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WWYD not AIBU. Evidence of a friend's DH's (possible) infidelity

(191 Posts)
SelectAUserName Tue 20-Aug-13 14:19:11

I have a few ex-colleagues from my previous job as Facebook friends. I'm also FB friends with someone who used to work there and who met her now-husband there. She no longer works there (left before I did); he still does. She isn't in touch with many people from there on FB in her own right IYSWIM but she and I hit it off and have stayed in touch. We're not bezza mates but I went to their evening wedding reception, we exchange the odd email as well as keeping in touch via FB and I've met her for coffee when I've been back in the area, and I would consider her a friend rather than just an ex-colleague. Her DH isn't one of my FB friends.

One of my ex-colleagues on FB has uploaded some pictures from a recent work night out. I was having a scroll through at lunchtime and in the background of two of the photos is my friend's DH with a woman I don't recognise. In one of them they are kissing - proper, arms wrapped round each other, eyes closed, tongues round the tonsils kissing. In the other they are close, he has his hands on her waist/lower back and she has hers round his neck and they look as if they are gazing into each other's eyes. It looks like more than just 'night out friendliness' IYKWIM. In neither photo are they the main subject, nor do they give any indication they know they are in shot and he isn't tagged but it is unmistakeably him. There is a third photo where they are partly in shot - can't see faces but you can tell its them by the outfits and the angle relative to the other pics - and his hand is cupping her arse. His hand with his wedding ring on. sad

My friend's recent FB updates have been the usual chatty stuff she posts, mentioning her DH as normal and while I doubt we'd be close enough for heart-to-heart stuff, I think I'd know if they had split up.

What do I do? Do I do anything? Do I tell my friend and if so, how? She isn't FB friends with the person who uploaded the pics. I know it probably sounds OTT and melodramatic but seeing those photos has given me a real shock and I'm sitting at my desk feeling slightly sick. I keep trying to think of an innocent explanation but these photos don't look innocent. sad

Seenenoughtoknow Wed 21-Aug-13 22:54:18

I've been reading this whole thread with interest OP as I had to do a similar thing about a year ago. I did it with a heavy heart, but my reasoning was that if the situation were reversed I would want to know. My friend stayed with her husband, and our friendship suffered awfully, but it is getting better with time, and her husband speaks to me again now.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do OP, and the ONLY thing that gave me any comfort was my husband telling me that I had done the right thing. My friend was being made a fool of, and thankfully that was stopped. I knew our friendship would suffer when I told her, but like you I decided she had a right to know.

DaleyBump Thu 22-Aug-13 02:53:37

De-lurking to ask if you've heard anything OP?

worsestershiresauce Thu 22-Aug-13 07:32:09

seenenough it's awkward seeing any friends as a couple after an affair. I don't think it is down to what you did, I think it's just facing the world again is difficult. I've dealt with it by telling everyone, as then there is no elephant in the room, and I know that whoever I'm talking to isn't wondering about the gossip on the grapevine and trying to work out how much of it is true. Other people deal with it differently. DH (not surprisingly) would rather keep it quiet but as I've told him he has no right to an opinion, and my way of dealing and moving on is to discuss things with my friends, rather than hide myself away in a miserable little bundle and brood.

It'll probably always be a little awkward. I've learnt to ignore the slightly pitying smiles and 'how are you' I get from acquaintances. Close friends can see we've made it through and are finally happy and they're more normal round us.

If you act normal and relaxed your friend will be able to as well.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 22-Aug-13 10:00:40

You did the right thing and the brave thing OP.

SelectAUserName Thu 22-Aug-13 13:16:13

I have had a brief email from my friend this morning. Without going into too much detail as this is really her business, my email the other day prompted her to do some detective work via her 'D'H's emails/Facebook before she confronted him, and what she found sadly confirms that this does not appear to have been a one-off drunken snog. sad

She has thanked me for telling her, even though as she puts it "part of [her] would rather not know". I don't know what she's going to do, she hasn't gone into detail and I suspect she probably doesn't entirely know herself yet. I have simply reiterated to her that I'm so sorry and that I'm here for her if she needs me. For the time being anyway, she and I still have a friendship which is important to me. I know it's her husband's fault and I know it's better all round that she is able to move forward from a position of knowledge, but I can't shake off the heavy dull sad feeling that my email was the catalyst which has shattered her illusions about her marriage. I just wish the stupid twunt had kept his dick in his pants.

I don't intend to update further as this has moved away from "what should I do?" to "what is she going to do?" and that's not really my place to discuss on here. A final thank you for your invaluable support during the last couple of days. I only wish it had had a better outcome sad

worsestershiresauce Thu 22-Aug-13 13:43:50

You're a friend in a million, and she'll need you. Best thing my friends did for me was to act normally. We went out for dinner, drinks, coffee or just a walk and had fun. It was lovely to laugh, because when you are on your own you cry. The fact you aren't super close will help. My 'best' friends were too close, couldn't be objective and I didn't want their righteous indignation on my behalf.

StuntGirl Thu 22-Aug-13 13:46:10

As shitty a discovery as it is for her she deserves better than a cheating arse of a partner. I hope things work out for her. You're a good friend flowers

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 22-Aug-13 13:54:26

you did the right thing, your friend needed to know, i would want to know if oh was unfaithful - yes it hard to tell someone but least you had eveidence

seems from what you have said its not the first time sad

all you can do is be there for her

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 22-Aug-13 13:59:05

You did the right thing OP, however horrible.

50shadesofmeh Thu 22-Aug-13 14:20:50

Well done select its never pleasant telling something this horrific but in my opinion is if I kept tis secret from someone I couldn't ever be normal around them anyway.
She will be thankful one day that someone had the balls to make sure she knew the truth whatever she decides to do.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 22-Aug-13 15:48:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Aug-13 17:11:09

What a great friend you are

Lavidaenrosa Thu 22-Aug-13 17:11:38

I was in the same situation and I chose to keep my mouth shut. They are still happy (the couple with my friend not knowing about her BF cheating on her) 3 years on.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Aug-13 20:50:14

I wouldn't call that a happy relationship Rosa

Of course, not everyone wants to get involved though

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 22-Aug-13 23:42:31

Lav - she's happy as doesn't know any different

If she knew her dh was dick dipping course she wouldn't be happy

Notmadeofrib Fri 23-Aug-13 19:50:46

Well done OP

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