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not to invite my uncle to my mother's surprise party

(40 Posts)
HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 13:49:20

I'm planning a surprise party for a big event for my mum and am putting together the guestlist at the moment and have hit a bit of a stumbling block. Her brother.

He and I have never got on, even when I was young, but I was happy to host him in my house when he needed somewhere to stay about 8 years ago. He caused quite a bit of trouble for me over that and in the end I lost my temper and told him to stick it - not my finest hour, but he really had gone to town to cause drama for me.

A few years ago we were having a family Christmas shindig at mine and I invited him, thinking it the right thing to do and that the past was all water under the bridge. He declined and in his email told me that I was a despicable person, that I rode roughshod over other's feelings, that I was awful to my mother, that the whole family was scared of me and that he wouldn't stand for it (I hadn't had any contact with him for four or five years at this point). I wasn't doing well at the time and this pushed my MH into crisis. I remember being at the doctor not long after receiving this email from him and them taking 2 hours to decide whether to let me go home or not.

Anyway, I haven't seen him since and have no want to see him at all. But I know the right thing to do would be to invite him to my mum's surprise party (it's doubtful he'll turn up, he's generally rude and selfish when it comes to family things) but I don't really want him there - and I'm organising and paying it.

WIBU not to invite him or do I have to suck it up?

kinkyfuckery Tue 20-Aug-13 13:50:36

Would your mum want him there? If so, invite him. Like you say, chances are he won't come anyway.

Justforlaughs Tue 20-Aug-13 13:51:11

I think that if your DM would want him to be there then you should invite him. If she wouldn't then don't.

glossyflower Tue 20-Aug-13 13:51:15

What is his relationship like with your mum?

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 13:53:29

He's kind of in and out of my mum's life popping up when he wants something but she has this thing about him being "the only family I have" which is frustrating.

He is honestly the most awful man. And I don't want to include him.

glossyflower Tue 20-Aug-13 13:55:44

In that case I would reluctantly invite him. Sounds like he would decline anyway but at least you have done the right thing by your mum.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 13:55:57

I'm sure your mum would rather you were there and relaxed, than her brother turn up and set the cat among the pigeons. Is there anyway you can find out if she has any desire to see him - do they speak/meet up?

LemonBreeland Tue 20-Aug-13 13:57:14

How big is the party? If it is fairly small adn there is a chance he could turn up and ruin it, then don't invite him.

If it is a big party and loads of people then just invite him and hope he doesn't show.

SoupDragon Tue 20-Aug-13 13:57:43

If your mum would want him there, you should invite him.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 13:57:50

Oh right, Xpost. Tricky. I'd invite but organise chaparones to keep him the hell away from me. Has he wife/kids?

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 14:02:28

He has a wife, who I don't really know, and four children from his first marriage who refuse to have anything to do with him. Families are such fun, aren't they?

I kind of feel like I should invite him for my mother but don't want to for me - I promised to never give him the time of day after he sent me that hate mail - and kind of thought that my mother should have stuck up for me against him, though that's a whole other thread.

I know it's not about me though. Maybe I could conveniently lose his invitation on the way to the postbox smile

Crinkle77 Tue 20-Aug-13 14:58:42

It sounds like he might not turn up anyway but I would invite him. At least that way he can't complain that he was deliberately excluded.

MaxPepsi Tue 20-Aug-13 15:26:39

Where do you plan on having the party?

Will it be a small intimate lunch/evening meal or is it going to be a bigger party with music and dancing etc?

If it's in your home, no, don't even waste another thought on inviting him.
A small intimate lunch - do a table plan and put him well away from yourself. Let the staff know he's difficult then smile a greeting and avoid.

Big party - invite and just ignore him.

stickingattwo Tue 20-Aug-13 15:30:22

If you think your mum would want him there - landmark birthday etc -then i would invite him. It's her do. Doesn't sound like he'll come anyway and your conscience will be clear

ratbagcatbag Tue 20-Aug-13 15:33:19

Hmmmm, I'd not invite him, then if he moaned say I had. He obviously just wanted to cause drama, but then I really don't like my family.

xuntitledx Tue 20-Aug-13 16:22:38

Hmm, we have a person like this in my family and I feel obliged to invite them to any party or event that we hold but we've been lucky and they haven't ever turned up!

We invite said person because it would upset other family members if we were to deliberately exclude them so whilst it's super annoying and would be even more so if they actually turned up as we're paying for them(!), I'd rather take the higher ground and just suck it up.

BadgersRetreat Tue 20-Aug-13 16:26:44

Sorry but I would not invite him - no way would i include someone in a function i was organising and paying for who had been that vile to me in emails.

If he can't behave nicely within the family dynamic then sod him.

Scuttlebutter Tue 20-Aug-13 16:31:03

I don't speak to my mum/late father but we are both invited regularly to family events. Generally we just avoid each other - I think both parties don't want to embarrass other family members or make our disagreements spill over on to others.

I'd say invite, but ask a trusted friend/family member to act as wrangler and ensure seating plans etc. don't put you together. It's your mum's birthday so her party - if he doesn't turn up, that's fine, but you've done the right thing.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 20-Aug-13 16:32:04

You are having this party for your mum. OP, you know what you should do.

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 18:13:07

Yes I know what I should do, it just doesn't fit with what I want to do.

It's to celebrate a position she has got - a really big deal - which happened some months back and he hasn't been in touch to congratulate her, though we know he has been told. He wasn't invited to her big birthday a few years ago and she didn't mind.

I'm clutching at straws, aren't I. I hope that if the invite is from me he'll refuse it, and being more resilient this time I will tell him exactly where to stick it if he's rude.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 18:36:50

Is your DP scary? Can he call and tell him to behave or else? That's what I would do (I am a wuss when it comes to me but would happily make the call for you in my toughest weegie accent!).

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 18:50:22

Ha -DH is the mildest mannered man around!

I kind of feel that I do behave, I invited him to my home, and he's the one who responds with vitriol and hate so he's the one who can't behave. I wouldn't trust him not to cause a scene or ambush me and then blame me when I got upset with him.

I really have to suck it up though. And try not to call him uncle cuntface to his face.

jasmine3663 Tue 20-Aug-13 18:55:58

Don't invite him; you don't need the stress.

lovestogarden Tue 20-Aug-13 19:01:14

There's nothing worse than going to loads of bother for someone else and having the shittiest time.

I wouldn't invite him and make sure that your mum (and anyone else) knows exactly why (no drama, just the facts). I assume you are footing the bill?

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Tue 20-Aug-13 19:08:20

I'm footing a chunk of it.

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