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To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

(397 Posts)
glossyflower Tue 20-Aug-13 08:45:52

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

gindrinker Fri 13-Sep-13 21:49:22

glossy you need to sit down with him properly and go through your JOINT finances.
This is combined income, outgoings, potential earnings, maternity leave and what happens when you go back and any debts.

Also if he wants to go to gigs in London this needs to be in the budget. If you want to spend £200 on shoes this needs to be budgeted too.

I'm not great with money but my bank does a phone app so I can see my balance and decide if buying something is a good idea. This might help him?

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 13-Sep-13 19:56:05

Glossy - have you resolved this/ been to bank yet?

IfNotNowThenWhen Tue 03-Sep-13 20:48:55

God. I have read all this in horror.
Firstly, why are you defending this idiot? Why are you planning another child with him?
If he has debts that are crippling, the first thing he should do is go to and get on a debt management plan. This would lower his monthly payments, while at the same time making it impossible for him to take out more debt.
but imo he should do this as a single man, as frankly he has no business pretending to be in a partnership with you.
You would be much better off, financially and emotionally, without him.

aurorasky Tue 03-Sep-13 20:22:43

Have you been to see the bank yet?

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 02-Sep-13 16:44:56

When is your bank app glossy?

BeCool Mon 02-Sep-13 12:05:31

So he agreed you can have the passcode, then changed them but Gaslighted the OP blaming her for making a mistake and locking them out. When he finally confessed to OP he had lied to her and changed the codes himself, it was so she wouldn't discover he had spent £5 on a gift for her. shock

The guys isn't really a genius at all - but the OP is being so very blinkered about this. So he doesn't have to be a genius because even in the face of evidence re financial mismanagement, lying, deception and gaslighting, he spends a fiver of a gift that "must be kept secret" and uses that spend as a reason to keep the OP out of his account?

OP you seem like a lovely person, but I really think you need to wake up here.

Now you know the massive secret re the gift, do you now have the pass codes?

Have you agreed how much he will contribute towards his Cost of Living? Do you or him think it is reasonable for him to contribute to he Costs of your Family Living also? Or is that all under rug swept now?

I bet if any of your debt gets 'consolidated' he will use that as a way for you to pay all family costs, as after-all HE will be doing YOU such a huge favour.

You are in for a life of financial misery with this man.

Tenacity Thu 29-Aug-13 13:36:43

"I have told him if there is anything he is hiding from me, then that will be it for our marriage and that is something I haven't taken lightly..."

If you've been taken advantage of before, what's changed this time (in you) to prevent this from happening again?
With all due respect, your H seems to still be hoodwinking you...

failingatlife Thu 29-Aug-13 12:06:25

Tread carefully OP, your situation sound similar to a family member & her XH. He had debts she didn't know about then when she found it they consolidated them. This happened more than once, then they remortgaged too. Fastforwad a few yrs & they are divorced , house is repossessed & family member is living hand to mouth in rented flat with DC while XH seems to have a great life as he know lives with his parents & pays very little in child maintenance. Please be very careful & don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.

LessMissAbs Thu 29-Aug-13 11:15:40

bearbehind This guy is a fucking genius!

Certainly sounds like it!

FriskyHenderson Thu 29-Aug-13 09:14:55

So where is his money going?

VoiceOfRaisin Thu 29-Aug-13 08:58:28

Glad there was no really nasty shock :-) but going forward your OH needs to make more of a contribution to the house as you are scrimping and saving on basics whilst he is frittering money on himself every month. That's not fair esp as you do more childcare and do more work!

I am afraid that on divorce, assets are all in the pot and are distributed, primarily, according to need. The less your DP earns, the more he is likely to get on divorce. The fact you pre-owned the house will be taken into account (the longer the marriage, the less so) but not much. If your DP becomes a SAHD and then later you divorce, he is very likely to get the whole house.

comingintomyown Thu 29-Aug-13 08:38:03

Unless he signed a Deed of Trust then he has a claim on your house irrespective of whose name the deeds are in , when you marry all assets become jointly owned

Silverfoxballs Thu 29-Aug-13 08:33:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darkesteyes Wed 28-Aug-13 23:51:36

Is he going to be paying his fair share from now on then.

ChasedByBees Wed 28-Aug-13 23:18:02

And that link again:

ChasedByBees Wed 28-Aug-13 23:16:47

I said earlier I think you should clarify your legal position by seeing a solicitor and I stand by that. It doesn't matter than the house is in your sole name, you are married so he would have a claim against it.

Doing a quick google (I'm in bed and too knackered for proper research) from this:

It would be unusual for each party not to receive at least some share of the equity even if the house was only in the name of one of them.

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 28-Aug-13 22:41:48

Seems a bit weird to me. If was only £5 then would you have looked on the bank statement and thought omfg at price and where he brought it

There must be more too it sad or means he is spending £600ish a month on crap - salary minus loan minus food

Consolidating is good as long as does pay it and doesn't rack up more debt in a few years time and consolidate again

Your house is only yours if you made that clear when got married

I live with my oh - my house - mortgage free due to dh sadly dying and life insurance paying off sad oh moved in but i had an agreement drawn up that house belongs to me and he will never have a claim on it - even if he say put a conservatory etc on - if we get married then house still 100% mine and always will be even if spilt up - cost about £1k but worth it to make sure I was protected smile

DuelingFanjo Wed 28-Aug-13 22:27:10

So will he still be living there rent free and not contributing to any bills?

Bearbehind Wed 28-Aug-13 22:26:51

So you've gone from being, quite rightly, pissed off that your husband does and pays very little towards your family life, to being grateful that he 'hasn't done anything majorly wrong'.

This guy is a fucking genius!

ExitPursuedByABear Wed 28-Aug-13 22:22:53

Not sure you are right about the house.

MissStrawberry Wed 28-Aug-13 22:03:18

"hasn't done anything majorly wrong."

Other than lie to you and refuse to pay his fair share.

glossyflower Wed 28-Aug-13 21:56:43

I know in divorce the spouse is entitled to a share of wealth, but the house is in my sole name (I owned it before I met him). As we don't have any joint accounts by house is not at risk of being lost to whatever silly decisions he has or will make.

glossyflower Wed 28-Aug-13 21:53:45

Steady on there guys.

I never said I was just going to lay back and let him screw things over.

I am going to the bank because the other morning, he suddenly jumped up out of bed and said he was going to talk to someone about a consolidation loan - in his own name not mine.
He said he was just enquiring as he wanted to wait a couple of months due to his new job.
I told him I was coming too, if anything to ensure he didn't get the loan out there and then.
There was no one available to see us, so we made an appointment for the end of this week. There's no way I am putting my name to a loan right now!

We have an appointment with an independent financial advisor next week, he is coming to our house.

I found out what the surprise was. It's our first anniversary next week, and he bought me a paper 100 year old map for where we live.
(Yes I like old maps so it was quite a thoughtful present as paper is the 1st anniversary too).
The map cost a fiver, and I have verified this from his bank account (password now reset).

There's no big spends from his account, just lots of small things, mostly supermarket items, and some books from amazon (not more than ten pounds each).

I told him we are now doing internet shopping, which I will order once a month for a big shop (I can't remember the last time we did a big shop it's always bought on a 2 or 3 day basis).

I have told him if there is anything he is hiding from me, then that will be it for our marriage and that is something I haven't taken lightly (especially with a bad past experience from exbf). But as it has turned out, other than being unable to manage his finances very well, he really hasn't done anything majorly wrong.
He has apologised for the things he said, and although he's not perfect he's trying harder now with our finances.

MissStrawberry Wed 28-Aug-13 21:53:39


as I have read your posts you have got smaller and smaller and he has pissed on you more and more.

You are about to put yourself in a position where you lose your baby's home.

Do not consolidate anything with this man other than a divorce maybe. He is taking you for a fool and you are letting him.

He has NO idea about managing money. He assumes you should keep him as you earn a few quid more than him. He really has got it made. Why are you letting him? sad.

Gretagumbo Wed 28-Aug-13 20:37:16

I was in this situation, he had never grown up and paid a bill in his life. I was main earner, owned house, paid bills, looked after ds. I supported him through college. It felt like I was living in poverty, whilst he always found money for takeaways, weed and computer stuff. After endless attempts to negotiate, I finally asked him to leave three months ago. I feel so much more relaxed!

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