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To expect DH pay towards household bills?!

(397 Posts)
glossyflower Tue 20-Aug-13 08:45:52

I'm feeling rather cross.
When me and now DH moved in together, he paid £300 a month to me, as the house we live in I own, so all bills are in my name (and still are).
Then he decided he wanted to do an MA which I fully supported him doing. After a while he couldn't afford the rent so I was fine with it as he was working towards something.
Since the course is now long over, we have married and have a 4 month old baby.
I work full time but currently on maternity. I can't afford to take the full year off so I'm going back when DD is 6 months old.
DH was working in a crappy wage job but recently got a better office based job for slightly more salary.
Recently I have said to him I need some money again each month, £300. Initially he agreed. Now he's saying he needs to wait this month as he's only just started the better paid job.
This morning I said, should I go back to work full time? He knows full well I don't want to go back full time - I do three 12hr shifts a week and ideally would love to have just 2 shifts.
He turned round and said I should be going back full time as we can't afford otherwise. I said I could afford it if he contributed more towards the bills and he needs to give me £300 per month again. He then said he couldn't afford it as he spends so much on our food shopping.
BTW £300 per month is no where near even half the bills so I am being generous.
I am the main earner, and he mostly buys our food.
I can afford to pay the bills but by the end of the month I am struggling and I have no money to do anything for myself. I often can't afford to put diesel in my car, I drive and he doesn't. A couple of weeks ago he had some time off and wanted us to go to the Peak District, 2.5 hours away. I told him only if he could pay the fuel as I had literally no money, I went to put £40 in but then asked if I should put £50 in, he told me he couldn't afford the extra tenner. In fact I struggled a couple of weeks ago to find £10 to get my hair cut whilst DH has several gigs he's going to in a couple of months time and goes out on camping/climbing trips with his friend.
I've never understood with married people, the my money and your money thing, it should be wholly joint, I have said I would like a joint bank account and he's agreed but it never happens.
Recently I told him I wanted to sit down together and look at both our finances closely to see how much spare money we should have. I couldn't get him to sit with me, and all I got was vague answers like this loan is approx this much, I don't know exactly.
From this I gauged that £300 would be fair to him and he'd still have spare money for himself each month. This would also mean I could have spare money for myself.
I feel like a total doormat.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 20-Aug-13 09:39:19

He is going to be really surprised at how much his hobbies and incidental expenses add up to.

Is he trying to hide debts from you?

A benefit of setting out a budget is that you can see where it's possible to save money and where it isn't. Unable to afford dishwasher tablets while buying DVDs and going to regular gigs? What utter bollocks!

StuntGirl Tue 20-Aug-13 09:40:11

Sit down together with the laptop and draw up a budget on excel. He's taking the piss, and I think when you put it in black and white he will see that (and so will you!)

He buys the food? Oh well done him. Does he think he deserves a medal or something? grin As the lower earner obviously he will pay less for things, and that's ok, but it needs to be fair and equitable.

X come in from you, Y comes in from him, and your household bills are Z. However you split that is up to you guys to work out. Whatever's leftover is split between you. One partner should not be struggling for money while the other spends frivolously.

BeCool Tue 20-Aug-13 09:41:19

you need to have the Cost of Living talk with him.

He needs to cover, at the very least the Cost of His Living. Ideally he should contribute towards the Cost of Family Living. If there is a difference in income contributions can be worked out on a pro-rata basis.

THe fact is, wherever he lives, he will need to pay for rent, council tax, utilities, food etc etc etc. It is a fact of life and he needs to deal with it.

You are making a huge mistake calling the £300 "money paid to you' and 'you need money from him again'. It is NOT your income - it is his contribution to his cost of living and £300 per month is way too low in my opinion. It can't come close to a fair contribution to the family bills?

Any personal spending must only come after Cost of Living is covered. What is so hard to get about that?

He is completely taking the piss OP. If he is working he needs to contribute fairly.

I'd be mighty fucked off - you could afford a longer maternity leave if he was acting like a decent human being financially.

Don't put him on the deeds - at least not until he demonstrates is's capable of long term functioning like an equal partner, instead of an overstaying unpaying guest.

tallwivglasses Tue 20-Aug-13 09:41:49

shame him. ask his friends if he thinks it's fair. ask him if he thinks it's fair. if he does then I really think you've got a problem sad sad

BasilBabyEater Tue 20-Aug-13 09:43:02


BeCool Tue 20-Aug-13 09:44:24

if he is not financially transparent and trustworthy & completely honest I would not be opening a joint account with him.

I can't see how giving someone who is rubbish and secretive with finances/money access to their partners money as well, can be a working solution for anyone.

Smells like the road to hell to me.

BeCool Tue 20-Aug-13 09:47:06

If they split would the H have a claim on the house the OP owned before the marriage? Or it is just assets accrued during the relationship that are divided?

FoxyRoxy Tue 20-Aug-13 09:47:16

Is he in debt? It sounds like it, considering he has little money to contribute to household expenses and is vague and reluctant to go over finances with you.

My husband and I don't have joint accounts, for various reasons (we don't live in the uk) but we both know how much money we have, and any big spends are discussed. I would quite happily show him my bank accounts and vice versa. I am also on mat leave at the moment, so I know how hard it is to suddenly take such a wage drop. He is being unfair and he knows this but I think he's hiding something.

rosy71 Tue 20-Aug-13 09:47:44

We have a joint account which all our money goes into and all the bills etc are paid out of. We then have an equal amount paid into our own personal accounts for spending. I deal with all the money because dp is rubbish at everything like that! Personally, I think this is the best way (we tried several other ways before) and dp likes it because he doesn't have to think about the bills. hmm

Get the shopping delivered; it makes everything simpler!

LessMissAbs Tue 20-Aug-13 09:49:01

He really is dreadful. What he is doing is bad enough, but refusing to have a proper discussion about it with you is terrible.

He has such a bad attitude and is happy to use you and work you to the bone so he doesn't go without. I expect this is only just dawning on you now you have a dc. And being a grown man and never having learned to drive is another red flag.

I doubt he will change, and you will probably get more and more fed up with him til you divorce him. It will be cheaper to divorce him now as the marriage is short and you have recently enabled him to do an MA by providing him with free accommodation. It might not do any harm to make a quick initial appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand.

LittleBearPad Tue 20-Aug-13 09:53:02

You need to force him to sit down and go through all your bills ad other expenses. They are your joint responsibility.

Could you get a bills account to which you both contribute and from which all direct debits etc are paid. It might make him feel less like he's paying you money.

If he refuses then he's a twat

Inertia Tue 20-Aug-13 09:56:46

Basil 's one word answer sums him up.

He is taking the piss.

Get the shopping delivered and pay from joint funds which you both contribute to.

You'd possibly be better off living on your own - try telling him he will have to move out as you cannot afford to keep him now.

Blu Tue 20-Aug-13 09:58:24

He is freeloading.

Re the practicalities of money: do a joint household budget that lists every single household bill and expense; insurance, tv licence, etc. List all other expenses such as food, all clothes and costs for your baby. An amount for other family expenses, days out, holiday savings. Add an amount for house maintenance, boiler repairs etc.

Then tell him you would like to pay all this from a joint household account, to which you both contribute to by standing order from your wages each month. Maybe suggest you do this pro rata to your earnings, or else equally (though this could be hard if you are working p/t and doing childcare on your other days.

Then add up the value of your support during his MA. Show how much the cost of your maternity leave is, the loss of earnings due to childcare and the costs of childcare.

Tell him you cannot view him as your partner in the family team unless he behaves like one.

In truth, if he does not recognise this and agree to a fair sharing of family expense after all that then he will actually be shown to be financial abusive, IMO.

I suspect he has bigger debts than he has told you about. I think you need to know. For all your pre ownership of the house your marriage makes it a joint asset. In the worst case scenario it could be at risk if be has unpaid debts. Time to get tough.

jacks365 Tue 20-Aug-13 10:00:45

Him being on the deeds is irrelevant as soon as you married him the family home became a joint asset.

Sit him down and work out a full budget for bills food etc then add some to for an emergency pot then divide whats left equally if he won't then suggest he leaves instead, he'll soon realise he's better off working with you. He needs to realise its time to grow up.

shoppingbagsundereyes Tue 20-Aug-13 10:01:27

You are married with a child but haven't properly discussed and agreed finances? I find that mind boggling. You need to sit down and write down all bills. If you insist on having separate money, fine, but you need a bills account. If you earn double what he earns, then you put double into the account, if you earn half then you put half in. Food, petrol and public transport costs need to come out of bills account too.
Is simple. He is a jerk if he won't sit down and work this out properly.

sweetestcup Tue 20-Aug-13 10:03:33

I don't get him, you are married with a child, it should be a family income! Sounds as if still wants to act financially single.

holidaysarenice Tue 20-Aug-13 10:05:17

As it stands there is no way I would add him to the deeds.

I wouldn't go back to work full time if support wasn't coming from him for bills etc. Choose the hours you want and start cutting dp his share of bills to pay. Time for dh to cough up.

glossyflower Tue 20-Aug-13 10:06:51

I don't think he's hiding anything from me, it's just pure laziness.
But... Before he started his MA and before we were married he got a loan for 18k. The MA was self funded, but 18k was way more than what it would cost to do the course. He consolidated other debts with it but still had about £5,000 more than he needed.
At the time I told him not to have that much, just to get what he needed to get through the course.
He went ahead anyway.
Months later I discover he hadn't actually paid for his MA, in fairness it was the fault of the university and they hadn't informed him there was a mistake on their part and the payment hadn't got through; by this point he'd spent the 18k and had no money left over to pay for the course.
So then he was left with this rather large loan AND monthly payments to pay for his MA.
He hadn't told me about it, I found out by accident and confronted him. He came clean but said he didn't want to tell me for he wanted to save me the upset.
I was more upset he chose not to tell me.

Nanny0gg Tue 20-Aug-13 10:09:09

You have a problem Glossy. I'm really sorry, but it's quite a big one.

LittleBearPad Tue 20-Aug-13 10:15:58

He needs to tell you everything about his finances. It could be a lot worse than £18k.

Squitten Tue 20-Aug-13 10:16:10

All the way reading through your posts I was thinking he's hiding something that he doesn't want you to see. And now I read about the previous debt. I would be mightily surprised if there isn't something similar going on again.

You need to get a grip of this situation and get some clarity. How you can be a married couple and basically know nothing about each other's finances or your household costs is beyond me. Make him sit down with all the financial paperwork - bills, banks statements, etc, and work out a proper budget for the household and a proper list of your incomes and spends. This is not difficult and if he makes it difficult or is unwilling to show you what you need, then you know he's either not interested in contributing properly to your family or he's hiding something pretty major from you.

Time to step up and get this sorted out OP!

PearlyWhites Tue 20-Aug-13 10:18:24

Sorry I don't understand why people get married and especially then have a child if they don't share finances. I find it very odd. You need to get a joint account, you are a family.

PearlyWhites Tue 20-Aug-13 10:19:09

Yanbu btw but yabu if you let this continue.

LessMissAbs Tue 20-Aug-13 10:24:02

You are not at risk of losing your home if he doesn't pay debts solely in his name because he is not on the title deeds.

I'm astonished you've put up with him for so long! No wonder he doesn't want to change it!

I still think you have a chance of getting out of this marriage without losing your home as its a short marriage but you may have to pay him aliment or offer a financial settlement. Although tbh that will probably be cheaper in the long run. If he gives up or 'loses' his job it will cost you more. Please see a solicitor.

You could also just phone up to have the bills put in his name. I wouldn't pay my salary into a joint account with him. It sounds like he will spend it on himself. you could have a joint account and pay in a certain amount each for household expenses, but he's not going to do it, is he? I would do as much to disentangle myself from him as possible in preparation for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

primroseyellow Tue 20-Aug-13 10:24:33

How did he manage to spend 18k while a student for presumably a year? That is far more than most single people have as spare cash to spend on themselves. Rein him in. Take charge. Joint account, get his cards off him, give him spending money. Or he will carry on thinking he has vast amounts of spare cash to spend on himself - disastrous for you and DC.

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