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AIBU to keep getting annoyed and upset about this bloody situation

(37 Posts)
DropYourSword Tue 20-Aug-13 06:16:04

I'll try to be as succinct as possible!

I married DH in December after 4 years together. Before I'd even met him he got caught up in a business venture that went tits up. It eventually left him in a huge amount of financial trouble as his business partner fled abroad and abandoned him to deal with it on his own.

DH jointy owned a property with MIL (his DM). He was forced into this at a young age when his DP's divorced and MIL was stuck. When he started his business MIL was aware of, and indeed cosigned papers that used the property as collateral for the business. When the business failed the property got repossessed, just about the time I popped up into DH's life.

Now, I have a huge amount of sympathy for MIL's situation. Although she wasn't living there she has lost her property and with it security for her future. She had never worked and lives on benefits, but the property was paid off when she was married. Now she had nothing because of her DS's mistake and that's awful. Sometimes I get extremely irritated that DH was so stupid to get involved in a business he had no clue about and risked MIL's future security. However, however irritated I get it is done now and we can't turn back the clock.

My problem is that family got involved and demanded he make it right, saying he should pay her back for her half of the house. We will never never never be able to afford to do this, so it was agreed that we would pay her back an agreed sum. This amount is more than my (and his, we earn roughly the same) yearly salary and it was decided we would pay her it within 3 years.

I know she deserves to be compensated, but this is affecting my life so much now. I wasn't around when these mistakes were made yet I now feel I'm paying the price. Between rent, bills and this repayment I have so little left at the end of each month. I'm so sick of not being able to afford anything nice when I worked and studied hard to get where I am right now. We got married on an absolute shoestring (and I truly mean that, registry office, back to my parents house for the reception, mum baked a cake etc).

I just checked my bank account this morning and I'm over drawn although I spent no money on nice things . It's all gone on petrol, insurance, registration and union fees. We are only 18 months in to the repayment and I just keep bursting into tears thinking how I can't even consider starting a family until this is over. I just feel like I'm paying a very steep price for something that was never my fault but I love my husband and he deserves support too. I just want this to be over with.

( For what it's worth, MIL is not a particularly nice woman.)

oldgrandmama Mon 29-Dec-14 11:19:30

I hadn't spotted that it was an old thread either. So glad you're at the end of paying back MIL. And buying a house, and trying for a baby. Well done. As for going NC with MIL, don't blame you and your DH.

madsadbad Mon 29-Dec-14 10:06:37

I didn't notice this was an old thread, what a lovely update. Best wishes.

Optimistletoe1 Mon 29-Dec-14 06:39:35

Just realised that most of this thread was Ancient History! I was thinking throughout that paying off the agreed amount within the agreed timescale was the thing to aim for, with a view to your DH being able to disconnect from his old life and commit financially and emotionally to you. It sounds as though now the financial shackles are off he'd like to be even further removed from his mother - can't say I blame him. Congratulations to you for supporting him through this, and best of luck with your plans for the future.

MokunMokun Mon 29-Dec-14 06:31:15

Well done! I didn't notice this was an old thread but I think you did the right thing. I really hope things move onwards and upwards from now on.

Name7 Mon 29-Dec-14 05:51:37

I'm so glad you've finished, you can do what you like now, conscience free (including going nc). Very best of luck ttc and with the house. And I love your user name!! x

DropYourSword Mon 29-Dec-14 04:07:16

An update for anyone who is interested. We have now come to the third and final instalment of the payment agreed. We are now TTC and have had an offer accepted on a house!

Unfortunately DH is considering going totally NC with his DM, as whatever we do, nothing is ever enough for her and she continues to guilt trip him endlessly.

Lavidaenrosa Wed 21-Aug-13 22:01:18

Money comes and goes. But you don't have all the time in the world to have children. Think carefully because IVF is expensive. I say you should re negotiate the payments and pay over a longer period of time.

mumofweeboys Wed 21-Aug-13 04:40:25

If your dh is bankrupt then woudnt it be impossible to get a mortgage? I would start to ttc, if something happens then renegotiate with his mother

PorridgeBrain Wed 21-Aug-13 03:27:04

You could wait 9 months before ttc, so if you did conceive straight away you would still be clear of debt before baby was due. Could also get a 2nd job for 9 months-1 year to get some extra income behind you for the baby.

Next May is not that long away as a goal for starting a family IMO

I sympathise but I do think you have to suck it up unfortunately and if it were me, I would want to be debt free as soon as possible rather than extend the loan date.

DropYourSword Wed 21-Aug-13 02:35:55

Hi Stickyfloor ... I think the thing is, if we weren't making these payments to her I could have used the money to save up for a deposit on a house instead.

My concern, like some others have pointed out is that although I'm not too old to ttc delaying it isn't always a great idea. Really interesting to hear everyone opinion, as believe me, I've gone through a lot of those thoughts myself!

StickyFloor Tue 20-Aug-13 21:02:48

I think the ttc issue is blurring things here - if you weren't repaying this amount it doesn't sound like you would have a mortgage, house and savings safety net that you wished for, so you can't blame the repayments for not being where you wanted to be.

People's circs change all the time, clearly in your dh and dmil's case they know that, so if you fall pregnant there is even stronger grounds for you to say we will honour the agreement but over a longer period of time. If she has a problem with that and actually prefers to see her son and grandchild suffer then you can cancel the whole agreement with a clear conscience.

But there is no point harping on about the fact that this isn't your problem, of course it is. If you met someone who was fabulously well off for reasons that happened before you met then that would be part of your life, or if they had children, or elderly relatives to take care of etc etc. We all have baggage and you took dh on together with everything that was part of his life.

SugarMiceInTheRain Tue 20-Aug-13 20:59:00

I have a friend who unknowingly exceeded the savings limit for benefits (she didn't have loads stashed away but has always budgeted very carefully to save a little something for her sons' future) and has now had everything stopped and has to pay back all the benefits received over a certain period since she exceeded the savings limit and has received nasty letters threatening court action despite complying with everything and paying all of her savings to clear what she now owes them because despite giving them all she has in the bank, they are claiming more back and family are having to loan her money. Your MIL could well fall foul of this and have all her benefits stopped.

Feel for you, sounds like a horrible situation, so frustrating and unfair on you - it shouldn't be impacting your family plans IMO. I do agree with PPs who have said that MIL knew what she was doing, it's an unfortunate situation, but she also exploited your DH for financial gain to an extent. Sounds like whatever you do she won't be happy, so why should you be miserable and jeopardise your chances of having a family in order to pay her back?

Steben Tue 20-Aug-13 20:51:08

I don't understand how you got dragged into this, surely it could have been his sole responsibility?

StuntGirl Tue 20-Aug-13 20:48:31

My thoughts exactly parakeet. How often are women on here told to start trying for a baby nownownow no matter what the circumstances? And this woman is being told the opposite!

parakeet Tue 20-Aug-13 20:46:04

Look, I'm sorry to be the voice of doom here, but from what you say you are either 31 or 32 and desperate for children. You shouldn't delay trying to conceive a moment longer.

If you go with this plan and the worst comes to the worst, you conceive straight away, and then you'll need to have a discussion with your MIL about reducing the payments.

If you continue with your plan and the worst comes to the worst...

StuntGirl Tue 20-Aug-13 20:43:28

I think renegotiation is the way forward definitely. Legally they don't have to pay her back. Morally they don't really either imo (all adults! all knew - or should have known - what they were doing!) It's a v. nice gesture that they have paid what they have.

When these 'repayments' are causing the OP to go overdrawn then they are unsustainable and need to be amended anyway.

I'm sure there are a million factors the OP hasn't gone into here but as the post stands, I don't think they HAVE to pay any more back and they shouldn't feel terrible if they decide not to.

BrokenSunglasses Tue 20-Aug-13 20:37:52

I don't think you can stop paying her, and I'm surprised anyone thinks. It would be ok to do that. You made the commitment, you have to stick to it.

She did make a mistake, but I think mothers can be very easily led into misguided belief in their sons abilities, and that's really what her mistake was. She trusted your DH, the price for that mistake shouldn't be complete financial ruin. Especially when your DH probably talked her into it while knowing that she had never worked so probably wasn't in a great position to make a sound business decision.

It won't last forever, you just have to keep battling through until its paid off.

teenagetantrums Tue 20-Aug-13 20:34:02

but, your DH used the house for his business so he should pay his mother back, how old was he when he set up this ill fated venture? how much money had he paid into the house?

edam Tue 20-Aug-13 20:26:56

I think you need to renegotiate. Dh and MIL were both adults who both knew what they were doing - or had every opportunity to get legal advice. They've both lost out but dh appears to be paying twice. And, depending what benefits MIL gets, you are right that this could be bad news for her as well.

Renegotiate the total amount and the period to something more payable. If you just stop, you will risk causing a breach with dh's family, which is something only you (plural) know how you could handle.

StuntGirl Tue 20-Aug-13 20:21:27

I think morally making some financial gesture was a nice idea but these were all adults who made decisions off their own back and took the risks that came with it. Your husband lost his business, his mum lost her house. They both knew what they were getting into. Why is your husband paying for his mistake and hers?

I'm going against the grain here but I would tell her that you've looked at your finances and you can no longer afford to keep repaying her, and since you were never obliged to anyway you are stopping it. Give her say three months notice so she can plan her finances if needed, don't just dump it on her. At the end of the day her finances are not your responsibility.

Start your family and move on from this.

LovesBeingOnHoliday Tue 20-Aug-13 20:06:30

You can reduce the payments and have this hanging around for longer, or both go flat out to pay it off ASAP and be closer to being able to try for a ba t or thirdly tell the witch to lump it she's had all she's getting from you

CreatureRetorts Tue 20-Aug-13 17:32:27

Don't take a second job.

Also try and extend the payment terms. Who demanded it should be paid within 3 years?? If I were you I would either extend the term, reminding MIL that it was partly her mistake, and no negotiation. You cannot get into a position where your overdraft just gets bigger and bigger!

primroseyellow Tue 20-Aug-13 17:13:40

I think it is a really bad idea for you to take a second job to pay your DH's debts. Could DH do overtime? Or adjust his hours for a period to enable him to take a second job? Or get a better paid job? Or at least a job with regular hours so that he can take a second job?
Surely DH can see that it is more his responsibility than yours. It just sounds as though you are trying harder than him to make it all work and jeopardising your own potential future family life. IMO it would be unwise to try and conceive without resolving the situation eg re-negotiating amount to be repaid and reducing repayments.

Justforlaughs Tue 20-Aug-13 11:11:03

Have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? Does he know that you really want to start a family now? I also think that your repayments will/ should, if they are declared, affect your MILs benefits, in fact your DH has probably done her a favour in a roundabout way, if she had owned her own house she wouldn't have been able to live on benefits all these years, and would have no security at all because all her money would have been spent on just surviving. I feel very sorry for you, but I also think that you went into the situation knowing what it was so you have little choice between leaving, sucking it up or renegotiating the terms of the repayments, if your DH is happy with that. I wish you well.

glossyflower Tue 20-Aug-13 11:00:22

I'd have to agree with what mathilda says.

MIL knew and co operated with what was going on. Least of all DH stepped in to help her out of her own sticky situations - something that his siblings didn't do.

As for paying her the money back, yes it's probably morally right to pay her some money. But no I don't believe you should sacrifice and put your lives on hold to do so.

Sounds harsh but you guys are just starting out in your lives, she's lived hers. She made her own choices too and DH did not intentionally get the house repossessed.

Is this repayment legally binding? Did you go to a solicitor and make it legal?
If not I would talk it through with MIL say you cannot afford the repayments as it stands right now, that you will pay her just not the timescale originally agreed.

You having children is not an extravagance! It's your right to have a family of your own.

Good luck xxx

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