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I am BU but exactly how U am I being? And how do I get out of it once I've calmed down?

(120 Posts)
CharityFunDay Mon 19-Aug-13 20:39:34

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am 42 and have AS.

(Bear with me, this is lengthy).

I have lived independently since going to university, and only approach the Bank Of Mum And Dad when in dire financial straits (which, partly due to my dysalculia, is more often than I'd like).

My mother and father are divorced and remarried, and I do my best to keep them in separate compartments of my life. I love my mother to bits but have a somewhat (!) cooler relationship with my father. He was EA to me growing up and to my mother throughout their marriage which is why she eventually LTB.

I live in London. I regularly travel back to stay at my DSis's house, because I love her so.

My father volunteered to refund me my trainfare when I did so (£30 return).

Last time I was back, he blew up at me over nothing -- really had a go -- and then stormed out, delivering the parting shot: "And I'll see you next time you want something!" <door slam>

That did it for me. I have spent the last few years trying to build an adult relationship with my father, but it looks like I've failed.

NOW ... in addition to this, I drink too much. Not going to say how much, but it's a lot. I'm trying to cut down (last night was my first drink in a fortnight -- two V+Ts). I don't think I'm addicted (never drink during the day, never suffer withdrawal if not drinking, never have blackouts etc etc) -- I've just become a habitual drinker. Partly due to years of self-medicating my bipolar disorder. My family, however, worry on my behalf about my alcohol intake. I take their concerns on board, which is why I'm cutting down.

Last time I stayed at my sister's -- about a month ago -- I had an accident. I was just sitting down to go for a wee, when I sharted. It happens to us all. I cleaned myself up, did my business, and thought no more of it. However, I hadn't been directly over the toilet when the event took place, with the result that a bit of poo fell on the floor. I didn't realise at the time, but my sister informed me the next morning -- I was mortified and cleaned it up at once, apologising profusely.

HOWEVER ... a couple of weeks later, my sister told my mother that I had got so drunk that I had shat on her bathroom floor. Result: One very embarrassing phonecall last Friday but one (i.e., August 9th) from my concerned mother, who had swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I don't know why my sister said this, but she has got form for stirring.

I was livid and humiliated at the same time.

I now can't face speaking to any of them, due to anger, wounded pride, and embarrassment. I have ignored phone calls from all three of them until my phone's battery ran out. I haven't been opening the emails they've sent me. (On Wednesday I sent each of them an email saying that I'm OK, hope they are too, and I'll be back in touch "in due course", and left it there).

I am still simmering gently and getting irate every time I think about any of them. So I figure I'm not ready to re-engage yet. I suppose this is what you would call 'going NC' for a while.

How long should I leave it? Have I been a complete cunt to them? Should I take this on the chin as 'one of those things' that happen in families? And when I've calmed down and it's time to get back in touch, how should I do it?

In my head, I am determined that I won't speak to any of them until Christmas. But, having insight into my AS, I suspect this is due to my unnaturally rigid thinking. But at the same time, I can't help it. It's like recent events have tripped a switch in my head and a light has come on saying 'NO MORE'. I should add that I gave up one of my antipsychotic meds a month ago, because it was causing such weight gain. Has this clouded my judgement?

Please advise, you're a wise bunch and I need some perspective on what's just happened.

Sorry to be so longwinded, and thanks if you had the patience to read the foregoing.

SellbyDate Tue 20-Aug-13 07:47:23

Ah... shit OP. Aspergers. Yeah, we've all kind of thought our family member has Aspergers too. She is a bit older than you though.

D'you know what though, we love her to bits and she is funny, witty, clever, insightful and can be massively supportive. (now she has got her drinking and meds under control) How you are experiencing life at the moment isn't actually how it is. It's skewed a bit by what you have got going on and the AS. People love you even though you probably confuse and infuriate them at times.

Don't worry about the poo thing. God. You might be able to laugh about it in the future.

Good luck. I have a belief about Aspergers. I actually believe that people who have Aspergers are kind of functioning at a more advanced level than others (in lots of ways) The social and emotional issues that go with it can become manageable. I (think I) have valid evidence to support my theory too! Good luck, you have a lot of challenges but none are impossible to overcome.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 07:49:43

Sellbydate what a lovely post thanks

lougle Tue 20-Aug-13 07:54:18

OK, the first thing that jumps out at me is that you gave up an antipsychotic medication 'about one month ago'. These need to be weaned off, so that was unwise.

Secondly, meds and alcohol don't mix. You may well be damaging your liver far more than you think.

Thirdly, you say you are 'trying to cut down'. You are beings that stage. Trying to cut down is for someone who is a bit indulgent, not someone who is congratulating themselves on 'only' having 2 vodka and tonics, especially if that was a home measure of vodka because you can almost guarantee that the quantity was more equivalent to 4 pub measures of vodka, as research has shown.

Fourthly I have to agree with others that sharting is not par for the course and even if it was, unless you are very ill, you should be able to position yourself on the toilet seat sufficiently to avoid dropping faeces on the floor. If I were your sister, I too would conclude that you were to drunk to sit properly on the toilet.

How much had you had to drink on that night? Why were you drinking heavily while visiting?

Regards your Dad, are you sure he intended to refund you every time you visited, or did he offer once and you have taken it to be a standing offer?

PigOnStilts Tue 20-Aug-13 07:55:48

They are clearly worried about your drinking. Shelf the pride bullshit and deal with the drinking.

And tell your sister off for being s stirrer.

And also don't take money off parents if you don't like them, because no matter how reasonable you are about limiting an EA parent, you will just seem like a user...I speak from experience here sad

lougle Tue 20-Aug-13 08:01:23

Fanjo, I know it's hard to read threads that may see into the future of our children, but I don't think people have been intentionally unkind. The tone of the OP is very unrepentant and further responses rather curt. You can't expect everyone to see it with a knowledge of ASD and know that it covers the turmoil the OP may be feeling.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 08:03:31 DD sadly won't be so able I'm sure, so I am not relating to her.

It's the fact the OP has asked for advice on her social behaviour and people have said things like ' yes drop them they will be better off without you'.

Firm and sensible advice is fair enough but there have been some nasty posts. (nayfindus' and bearbehind's in particular)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 08:04:53

I was just shocked, nothing to do with Dd, who is pretty far from having AS. Just that people wouldn't even try to be a little understanding.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 08:06:22

Maybe it's too much to expect of people that of they read someone has AS they might be a little understanding of someones responses appearing 'curt'.

I didn't think so though

lougle Tue 20-Aug-13 08:16:26

it's not, in isolation, but that added to an OP which gives the impression that the OP doesn't think she's done too much wrong, probably tipped it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 08:19:29


But there is of course a distinct lack of kindness in some quarters of AIBU grin

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 08:20:30

I suppose I just feel for the OP.

Must be hard trying to get it right.

Bearbehind Tue 20-Aug-13 08:23:44

My post wasn't nasty fanjo I simply pointed out that the OP is being knowingly dismissive of her family yet doesn't want any advice that doesn't suit her. Having AS doesn't abdicate her of even attempting to show others consideration and allow her to dismiss everyone's opinion she doesn't agree with.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 08:26:17

She asked for help here, which is a good start and indicative of her trying to do the right thing, surely?

IrisWildthyme Tue 20-Aug-13 08:34:44

Hi Charity - and well done for writing it all down and seeking advice from MN - it's a good first step to getting things to be OK again (though there will be lots more steps to come)

I don't think any of your family is being particularly unreasonable. They clearly love you very much and are very concerned for you.

I don't think you are being hugely unreasonable in the same way as some of the entitled AIBU posts we see on MN a lot - obviously a lot of your recent actions are problematical but the AS, Dyscalculia, Bi-polar and possibly alcoholism issues are limiting your ability to be reasonable. One human being just doesn't have the strength to overcome such difficulties all on their own - you really need all the support your family can give you, so do not cut them off.

However, because they love you, hopefully they will be deciding now that the support they have been giving you up till now has been enabling and perpetuating an unsustainable situation. They need to change the type of support they give you to help you to change how you live. This may lead to confict and upset, but things cannot go on like this.

As other posters have said, correctly, you have not been living "independently" really as you have needed your family's support for lots of things despite living elsewhere. They will be getting worried about what will happen once your parents are too old and frail to give this support, or when they die. They may already be considering (and if you are wise you should agree to) arranging some kind of financial power-of-attorney to ensure you can't get yourself into unwise financial scrapes due to your dyscalculia. You definitely need to stop drinking alcohol, and that is going to be massively difficult. You can't make the AS or Bi-polar go away, but you can manage them well by taking the advice of the lovely people in your life who have your best interests at heart.

How you "get out of it" is to say to your family - "I am really sorry about all the things that have gone wrong. I can see I'm not managing as well as I thought I was. Please can you help me to get my life together again?" -

They love you and they will help you - but they will help you to have a functioning and non-chaotic life which may include saying "no" to some of the things you want.

Bearbehind Tue 20-Aug-13 09:10:51

I'm not sure how much help she has asked for though fanjo as it reads to me like she wants enabling on sulking until Christmas and isn't prepared to take on board suggestions that she shouldn't be allowing this situation to continue at all, let alone until Christmas.

CaptainCapybara Tue 20-Aug-13 09:30:23

I know you are embarrassed but I really think you should speak to your mum, I can't see what she has done to justify ignoring her until christmas. Give your sister the benefit of the doubt too, maybe she wasn't stirring trying to humiliate you but worried and thought maybe you would respond better to a talk about your drinking problem from your mum.

SellbyDate Tue 20-Aug-13 10:37:28

I'm not sure how much help she has asked for though fanjo as it reads to me like she wants enabling on sulking until Christmas and isn't prepared to take on board suggestions that she shouldn't be allowing this situation to continue at all, let alone until Christmas

For god sake BB she has got AS! She is trying to find a way to be flexible, it's bloody hard for people with AS!

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 19:15:14


OP has shat on her family. She has SHIT on her own family.

She/he has ignored all advice.

I'm bi-polar.

My mother is bi-polar.

I do not give a shit if you don't like me wiping her dumb arse care if you don't like me being honest. If charity cannot be arsed to make things better take advice/ steps to make it better, then things aren't going to get better are they???


fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 23-Aug-13 19:18:57

Wow what a lovely post.

And get my name right

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 23-Aug-13 19:25:26

There's being honest and being a rude bastard. It's a fine line

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 19:31:06

Yup, and there's just being petty.

FanJo, I just shit all over my family. They're a bit upset smile

Oh that's okay Charity - it's not like they're people are they? kiss kiss kiss hugs

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 23-Aug-13 19:33:13

She's got Aspergers and asked for help with managing the situation


Such ignorance and harshness on MN at the moment. Ugh

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 19:41:21

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

NayFindus Fri 23-Aug-13 19:43:53

Communicating so well.

I mean, wouldn't want Mumsnetters to bitch about grammar and ignore the big issues now, would we???

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Fri 23-Aug-13 19:50:48

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