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I am BU but exactly how U am I being? And how do I get out of it once I've calmed down?

(120 Posts)
CharityFunDay Mon 19-Aug-13 20:39:34

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am 42 and have AS.

(Bear with me, this is lengthy).

I have lived independently since going to university, and only approach the Bank Of Mum And Dad when in dire financial straits (which, partly due to my dysalculia, is more often than I'd like).

My mother and father are divorced and remarried, and I do my best to keep them in separate compartments of my life. I love my mother to bits but have a somewhat (!) cooler relationship with my father. He was EA to me growing up and to my mother throughout their marriage which is why she eventually LTB.

I live in London. I regularly travel back to stay at my DSis's house, because I love her so.

My father volunteered to refund me my trainfare when I did so (£30 return).

Last time I was back, he blew up at me over nothing -- really had a go -- and then stormed out, delivering the parting shot: "And I'll see you next time you want something!" <door slam>

That did it for me. I have spent the last few years trying to build an adult relationship with my father, but it looks like I've failed.

NOW ... in addition to this, I drink too much. Not going to say how much, but it's a lot. I'm trying to cut down (last night was my first drink in a fortnight -- two V+Ts). I don't think I'm addicted (never drink during the day, never suffer withdrawal if not drinking, never have blackouts etc etc) -- I've just become a habitual drinker. Partly due to years of self-medicating my bipolar disorder. My family, however, worry on my behalf about my alcohol intake. I take their concerns on board, which is why I'm cutting down.

Last time I stayed at my sister's -- about a month ago -- I had an accident. I was just sitting down to go for a wee, when I sharted. It happens to us all. I cleaned myself up, did my business, and thought no more of it. However, I hadn't been directly over the toilet when the event took place, with the result that a bit of poo fell on the floor. I didn't realise at the time, but my sister informed me the next morning -- I was mortified and cleaned it up at once, apologising profusely.

HOWEVER ... a couple of weeks later, my sister told my mother that I had got so drunk that I had shat on her bathroom floor. Result: One very embarrassing phonecall last Friday but one (i.e., August 9th) from my concerned mother, who had swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I don't know why my sister said this, but she has got form for stirring.

I was livid and humiliated at the same time.

I now can't face speaking to any of them, due to anger, wounded pride, and embarrassment. I have ignored phone calls from all three of them until my phone's battery ran out. I haven't been opening the emails they've sent me. (On Wednesday I sent each of them an email saying that I'm OK, hope they are too, and I'll be back in touch "in due course", and left it there).

I am still simmering gently and getting irate every time I think about any of them. So I figure I'm not ready to re-engage yet. I suppose this is what you would call 'going NC' for a while.

How long should I leave it? Have I been a complete cunt to them? Should I take this on the chin as 'one of those things' that happen in families? And when I've calmed down and it's time to get back in touch, how should I do it?

In my head, I am determined that I won't speak to any of them until Christmas. But, having insight into my AS, I suspect this is due to my unnaturally rigid thinking. But at the same time, I can't help it. It's like recent events have tripped a switch in my head and a light has come on saying 'NO MORE'. I should add that I gave up one of my antipsychotic meds a month ago, because it was causing such weight gain. Has this clouded my judgement?

Please advise, you're a wise bunch and I need some perspective on what's just happened.

Sorry to be so longwinded, and thanks if you had the patience to read the foregoing.

CharityFunDay Tue 20-Aug-13 01:18:07

To be quite honest, I'm not remotely interested in flames about the sharting incident.

It was an unfortunate accident and if I had spotted the small piece of poo on the floor I would have cleaned it up immediately.

As it is, it fell behind my undies (which were round my ankles at the time) and I didn't notice it.

I was actually posting for advice on my current NC, so I'll ignore anything but advice on that front.

Just so as you know.

NayFindus Tue 20-Aug-13 01:34:24

Oh. Well in that case.

I think they're better off without you. You sound like really hard work.

I'm, sure you'll get back in touch when you want to use them for hand outs/free holidays.


CharityFunDay Tue 20-Aug-13 01:39:56

grin to you too.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 20-Aug-13 01:43:47

Firstly thanks for dyscalculia. I've been saying 'dyslexia, but for numbers' for years. I knew there was a word but couldn't get it right.

Secondly, get help with the drinking. You're 42. Time, ironically, to shit or get off the pot.

Thirdly, don't get angry with family for telling the truth. You do use your Dad for stuff, you do drink too much, you did shit on the floor. The truth is a defense.

Fourthly (is that a word?), call your Mum and sort it out. She's your Mum.

WaitressRose Tue 20-Aug-13 01:54:44

Thank you for sharing that lovely story with us, NayFindus


tabulahrasa Tue 20-Aug-13 02:08:49

I think you have AS, you're bi-polar, you're not completely financially independent, you're off your meds and drinking too much...your family are probably having a bit of a panic about you and now's not the best time to just cut them off, especially as it's more likely that the panic will escalate because of it - it'll more than likely have the opposite effect than the one you want. If you don't tell them, they don't know you're ok or why you're not in contact and will assume the worst.

Pick one of them, get in touch, tell them how you're feeling ask them to pass it on, then at least they know what's going on.

garlicagain Tue 20-Aug-13 02:34:27

Having AS and bi-polar must make life quite a challenge, emotionally and practically. I think you've been doing really well, fwiw, and I think you've underestimated the strain that all this coping has put on you. It sounds to me like you're starting to crack at the edges, I'm afraid (and have been there.) Replacing your meds with alcohol is very unwise. In fact, when alcohol tells you it can help you more than your doctor, it's already got a hold on you. Reach out. Don't let the booze win.

You've got some support in your sister and mother, although I'd tend to agree they don't sound ideal. At this stage, it's wiser to settle for good-enough support than hold out for perfect, which isn't anywhere on the horizon. Reach out to them, asking for support (not financial, the other kind,) and reach out to your doctor, too. Please tell them everything, without minimising or casting any emotional/moral slant on things. Invite an informed, outside perspective, and listen to it.

MrsVestibule's post gave good, straightforward advice on fixing things with your mum & sister. Please do trust your doctor, also - or if you can't, find another whom you do trust. Your life is pretty challenging: get help with it. You deserve it smile

Thumbwitch Tue 20-Aug-13 05:10:40

Taking everything you've said at face value, which is all we can do really, I would say that you need to call your Mum sooner rather than later. What has she done, really? She has heard that you pooed on your sister's floor, it was an accident, that's fair enough - you can explain (if you haven't already) that it was just a bit you missed and you cleaned it straight up. Have you told her your side of it or not? If not, do so.

You have admitted yourself that you drink too much - it's not going to be any great surprise that your family have noticed this too, and they obviously care about you and your health and are therefore concerned about it. YOU are concerned about it. You can go to the GP to discuss it - even though you don't feel reliant on alcohol, you could still be a type of alcoholic and you need to address this situation.

Re. your sister - you say she has form for stirring and you're angry that she felt the need to tell your mum and therefore humiliate you. But stop for a second and think about it - was she doing it because she was pissed off with you? Or because she was worried about you due to the potential for alcohol abuse? REALLY think about this, don't just assume the former. And in fact, when you speak to your mum, ASK her why SHE thinks your sister told her about it.

It might seem that it's no one's business but your own how much you drink, but if you are worried about it yourself (which you appear to be) how much more worried do you think your family are, who don't actually know how much you drink but what they see is bad enough?

Anyway. I hope you find it in you to phone your Mum - the rest can come later.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 06:10:04

I cant believe what bastards some people have been to OP on this thread.

Will return with answer when have picked jaw off floor

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 06:11:50

If you are all calling troll due to the OP's slightly unusual way of writing...

She has AS.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 06:38:04

Fortunately the last two posts were amazing and supportive

Can't add much to them

But please do phone your mum.

Thumbwitch Tue 20-Aug-13 06:39:34

Not "all" calling troll, Fanjo. Just a few. Several reasonable replies too. smile

Thumbwitch Tue 20-Aug-13 06:40:56


fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 06:44:53

Yes, I meant all the people being bastards were maybe calling troll smile

Bearbehind Tue 20-Aug-13 07:16:40

I don't think people are calling troll, they are just commenting on the fact that the OP doesn't seem to give a shit about her family's feelings despite a) saying she knows she is BU b) relies on her parents for handouts at 42 and c) shat in her sisters house when pissed

What's the point in posting in AIBU if you are going to completely ignore comments relating to the bits you don't want to hear.

waltzingmathilda Tue 20-Aug-13 07:20:25

As pointed out earlier - I've read this before on another forum, several years ago.

Perhaps there are two shitters? Not entirely impossible they should both, years apart, pick forums to discuss their bowel movements, using near identical phraseology and both have the same array of social poroblems

SellbyDate Tue 20-Aug-13 07:27:51

It sounds to me as if you are using your dyscalculus as an excuse for your finances being out of control.

It sounds to me as if you are using your Bi-Polar Disorder as an excuse for drinking.

Don't cut your family off, you need them, they care about you and are obviously concerned.

I have family member with Bi-polar who self medicates with Drugs and Alcohol. After a HUGE and public breakdown, hospitalisation and multiple incidents, she is now back in control, appropriately medicated and actually able to relate to us all and we all get the benefit of her lovely company again. It has been years of anxiety and stress for everyone. It's sad that she didn't sort herself out years ago as she has missed out on so much good stuff. You don't seem 'that ill' ....yet.

Don't punish yor family. If you really feel you need distance, use it to get help and sort yourself out. All of the conditions and difficulties you have mentioned are all manageable with help and motivation.

If you prefer being out of control then perhaps you need to work out why. People with addictive tendencies can also get hooked into negative emotions and feelings.

12 Step Programmes are great. Consider them.

There is Emotions Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous that would probably suit you. There are loads of other ones. Why not look into them.

Just admit you're really screwed up. Until you do, you won't get better. If it makes you feel better, loads of us are/have been! you just have to make the decision as to whether you want to stay that way or whether you want to begin the humbling and scary journey of sorting yourself out. Good things lie at end of it, i promise.

SellbyDate Tue 20-Aug-13 07:29:35

What is 'AS' ?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 07:34:22

AS= Aspergers Syndrome

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 07:35:10

Waltzing ,well report it then.

Of course it's too good a sarcasm opportunity I suppose

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 07:36:24


Maybe read a little about AS before posting that OP 'doesn't give a shit about her family's feelings'.


fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 07:38:36

Someone posts that they a condition that affects their social awareness so they would like some advice.

You'd think people might be slightly understanding.

But no, they just abuse the OP for not acting in socially acceptable way. Very sensitive.

And if you are right and it's just a rehash, Mathilda, the responses are still shitty and AIBU at its worst

Bearbehind Tue 20-Aug-13 07:40:59

Sorry fanjo I must have missed the bit that said anyone with AS can knowingly treat others exactly as they like despite posting on a forum saying they know they are BU but actually not wanting to listen to people who try and put across their views, and being pretty arrogant about it in the process.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 20-Aug-13 07:42:11

You are just so understanding, I am in awe

Montybojangles Tue 20-Aug-13 07:46:57

Be cross with your sister if you like for shit stirring, but why are you angry with your mother? She was given some information about you that she took at face value, and she has been motivated by worry for you and your well being.

You know your dad isn't perfect, that's why your mother left him. I think you have to accept him the way he is.

I would be pretty pissed off if you had shat on my floor, and I'm guessing that anger + concern is why your sister spoke to your mother. You need to get over it and speak to them now. Leaving it longer is only going to make it harder to contact them later.

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