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I am BU but exactly how U am I being? And how do I get out of it once I've calmed down?

(120 Posts)
CharityFunDay Mon 19-Aug-13 20:39:34

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I am 42 and have AS.

(Bear with me, this is lengthy).

I have lived independently since going to university, and only approach the Bank Of Mum And Dad when in dire financial straits (which, partly due to my dysalculia, is more often than I'd like).

My mother and father are divorced and remarried, and I do my best to keep them in separate compartments of my life. I love my mother to bits but have a somewhat (!) cooler relationship with my father. He was EA to me growing up and to my mother throughout their marriage which is why she eventually LTB.

I live in London. I regularly travel back to stay at my DSis's house, because I love her so.

My father volunteered to refund me my trainfare when I did so (£30 return).

Last time I was back, he blew up at me over nothing -- really had a go -- and then stormed out, delivering the parting shot: "And I'll see you next time you want something!" <door slam>

That did it for me. I have spent the last few years trying to build an adult relationship with my father, but it looks like I've failed.

NOW ... in addition to this, I drink too much. Not going to say how much, but it's a lot. I'm trying to cut down (last night was my first drink in a fortnight -- two V+Ts). I don't think I'm addicted (never drink during the day, never suffer withdrawal if not drinking, never have blackouts etc etc) -- I've just become a habitual drinker. Partly due to years of self-medicating my bipolar disorder. My family, however, worry on my behalf about my alcohol intake. I take their concerns on board, which is why I'm cutting down.

Last time I stayed at my sister's -- about a month ago -- I had an accident. I was just sitting down to go for a wee, when I sharted. It happens to us all. I cleaned myself up, did my business, and thought no more of it. However, I hadn't been directly over the toilet when the event took place, with the result that a bit of poo fell on the floor. I didn't realise at the time, but my sister informed me the next morning -- I was mortified and cleaned it up at once, apologising profusely.

HOWEVER ... a couple of weeks later, my sister told my mother that I had got so drunk that I had shat on her bathroom floor. Result: One very embarrassing phonecall last Friday but one (i.e., August 9th) from my concerned mother, who had swallowed it hook, line and sinker. I don't know why my sister said this, but she has got form for stirring.

I was livid and humiliated at the same time.

I now can't face speaking to any of them, due to anger, wounded pride, and embarrassment. I have ignored phone calls from all three of them until my phone's battery ran out. I haven't been opening the emails they've sent me. (On Wednesday I sent each of them an email saying that I'm OK, hope they are too, and I'll be back in touch "in due course", and left it there).

I am still simmering gently and getting irate every time I think about any of them. So I figure I'm not ready to re-engage yet. I suppose this is what you would call 'going NC' for a while.

How long should I leave it? Have I been a complete cunt to them? Should I take this on the chin as 'one of those things' that happen in families? And when I've calmed down and it's time to get back in touch, how should I do it?

In my head, I am determined that I won't speak to any of them until Christmas. But, having insight into my AS, I suspect this is due to my unnaturally rigid thinking. But at the same time, I can't help it. It's like recent events have tripped a switch in my head and a light has come on saying 'NO MORE'. I should add that I gave up one of my antipsychotic meds a month ago, because it was causing such weight gain. Has this clouded my judgement?

Please advise, you're a wise bunch and I need some perspective on what's just happened.

Sorry to be so longwinded, and thanks if you had the patience to read the foregoing.

farrowandbawl Mon 19-Aug-13 20:46:00

Have you been to your GP for support for your drinking? Maybe they can get you some councelling to help with the issues with your family and the drinking?

Your sister was out of order & your mum is acting out of concern from what I can see.

I do think that your rigid way of thinking may actually be telling you to get some space away from these two for a while until you are in a better place.

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 19-Aug-13 20:49:44

I'm not an expert. But I think you need to draw a line in the sand and move on. They all love you and I'm sure will support you. We're all too hung up about bodily functions. Also, the longer you don't talk to people the harer it is to start agaiin. Go on - pick up the phone - tell your mum you love her and need her. She'll likely be made up and have a cry. Xx

myroomisatip Mon 19-Aug-13 20:51:42

Well, with regards to your sister, I think, at the very least she was unkind! It seems to me that her action was designed to humiliate you.

Does your Dad regularly blow up over nothing?

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. If you feel that going NC suits you then do it.

Maybe you will feel less inclined to drink without their hassle!

AgentProvocateur Mon 19-Aug-13 20:52:01

Without wanting to hurt or offend you, I'm not really sure what they've done that's so bad that you wouldn't speak to them till Christmas.

Your sister and mum are worried about your drinking, and the fact that you had an accident due to it.

You said yourself that you use bank of mum and dad more than you'd like, do your day's comment, while hurtful, was accurate.

MsVestibule Mon 19-Aug-13 20:54:54

I have very little experience of MH problems, so will have to just answer as though you're NT - if that sounds really wanky, I apologise.

- You say you have been living independently since you left university. If you've frequently been running to your parents for money, you haven't been living independently.
- Do you only ever see your Dad when you want something? If so, he's got every right to be annoyed.
- If your family have been concerned enough about your drinking to mention it, you probably have been drinking far too much.
- You say pooing on the floor 'happens to us all'. Er no, it really, really doesn't. I have been very drunk when I was younger, but have never pissed or shit myself.

No, I don't think you've been a complete cunt, but taking what you've written on face value, I'd be pissed off if I was your mum/sister/dad.

Presumably you've spoken to your doctor about coming off your meds?

waltzingmathilda Mon 19-Aug-13 20:58:42

I've read this before on another forum a couple of years ago

WafflyVersatile Mon 19-Aug-13 21:02:26

I think maybe what I would do is compose an email explaining what happened that you are hurt that it was represented as being something that it wasn't. And that you don't want to hear any more about it.

Then that you have taken on board their concerns over your drinking and are taking steps to cut down. Again this is not something you want to be nagged about. It's up to you and you alone to address this and you are doing so. You may or may not want to reiterate that this was about self-medicating for the bipolar disorder you are now getting proper medical attention for.

Say that you still feel wound up about it and need a little time to calm down but will speak to them in a couple of weeks. (this also gives you a limit for yourself to draw a line in the sand for you to stop brooding)

I'd send that to both your mum and your sister so they both have the same story.

As for your dad, ignore him or return the £30 then ignore him. You don't need anything from him, especially not his abuse. If he gets in touch then you can decide for yourself what to do.

CharityFunDay Mon 19-Aug-13 21:07:44

I'm not going to chip in at every response, because I intend to take a consensus on what should happen next, but I will say to MsVestible, I didn't mean that shitting on the floor happens to us all -- I meant that sharting happens to us all. Slight difference. In this instance, for the first time in my life, some poo fell on the floor. Unfortunate, but there you go.

wickeddevil Mon 19-Aug-13 21:12:53

Charity do you have a professional you could talk to?

GP would be a good start re coming off your meds and your drinking, but perhaps you have a CPN or SW you could speak to?

Hard to tell to be honest if your sister is stirring or if she has just had enough. Is it possible that her and your Mum were discussing your drinking because they were concerned? I would imagine it would be appropriate for her to mention it and as Mrs V says pooing on the floor really isn't normal.

Please get help, you don't sound like you are in a good place and may not be making good decisions. Good luck.

NayFindus Mon 19-Aug-13 21:21:51

I'm sorry, but you sound completely immature and too used to taking advantage of your family simply because you're related to them. If I went into my nice, clean bathroom and saw my 42 year old guest had left poo on the floor, I would be utterly disgusted. I would not want them back in my house. I would also think for ffs, grow up. Is your drinking a cry for help?

I understand you're bi-polar, but perhaps you're using this as a crutch? Do you work? Did you gain a degree at uni?

Bunson Mon 19-Aug-13 21:37:42

A grown woman who accidentally shits on the floor and doesn't even realise? You play it off like it was "just one of those things" but people do not shit on the floor, they just don't. This is a fact. Reach inside yourself, open the door of shame and have a think about exactly how drunk you were. You are Saint Paul. The turd is your road to Damascus.

StickyFloor Mon 19-Aug-13 21:51:04

You are Saint Paul. The turd is your road to Damascus.

^ wonderful!

Anyway, assuming you want to sort this out peacefully, my thoughts:

1) ring mum, say thanks for your concern, I am trying to do something about the drinking, although the incident she heard about wasn't actually as bad as it seems

2) ring / email sis and say you are very disappointed that she told your mum what happened, however, she can be reassured that you are trying to sort out your drinking

3) email dad say you are sorry he feels like that and that you are doing your best to sort yourself out and will not be asking him for help again- then make sure you stick to it

4) draw a line and move on

I appreciate you have issues going on and I may be oversimplifying but essentially you can choose whether to be angry with everyone, be upset, or just try and move on. Your choice.

magimedi Mon 19-Aug-13 22:07:17

Hmmmmmmmmmmm - your first post here?

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Mon 19-Aug-13 22:13:40

Were you drunk at your sisters? If so is it possible you were more drunk than you realised?

maddening Mon 19-Aug-13 22:18:39

what is sharting?

WaitMonkey Mon 19-Aug-13 22:22:42

When have you read this before Waltzing ?

TramadolDaze Mon 19-Aug-13 22:24:05

I've recently had an operation and illness that made getting to the toilet an interesting matter of great urgency at times. I'm not as young as I used to be either. Still never shat the floor though. It's all a bit odd isn't it.

MammaTJ Mon 19-Aug-13 22:27:56

Marking place to return when sober.

CharityFunDay Mon 19-Aug-13 22:28:06

Sharting = SHit + fARTING. What used to be called 'following through'.

WaltzingMatilda's memory is mistaken.

CookieLady Mon 19-Aug-13 22:39:14


NayFindus Mon 19-Aug-13 23:16:50

I've sharted before.

On holiday in India.

Dh (then dp) said 'that was quick' when food order came.

Started throwing up at 8pm (food poisoning)

Had shower to feel better then sat on toilet (naked as straight out shower) with uncontrollable pooing whilst throwing up into a basin.

Went to bed exhausted at 2am.

Had to fart about 2.30 thinking 'No. There can't possibly be anything left in there.'

Tiny bit poo ran out.

Got up, stripped bed (well sheet, was very hot there), scrubbed mattress, cleaned self and put towel on bed.

Binned sheet next day (they over charged me for mini bar so didn't feel too bad).

I reckon Op posted here, AIBU on Mumsnet, because she knows she gets away with murder as is bi-polar and family love her. I think you know you need a right royal kick up the arse op.

This ain't Netmums 'Ooh he pee'd all over me then threw up in the kids bed' 'Ooh ha ha ha men eh, he won't remember that when he sobers up'.

You need help. Get some.

MintyChops Mon 19-Aug-13 23:22:24

For a first-time poster you are scoring highly on Mumsnet bingo!!!

CookieB Mon 19-Aug-13 23:30:27

You are 42. Grow up. Maybe if you act like an adult your parents will stop treating/indulging you like a child. You really can't play down shitting on someone's floor. If a house guest did this in my house I would have the boke hmm.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 20-Aug-13 00:59:49

If you shat on my floor I'd rub your nose in it. Never ok.

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