Or is DH. Regarding bed time routine with DTs(118 Posts)
My twins are 12 weeks. We've established a routine of bath feed bed that starts around 6.30and takes usually an hour but often longer if they won't settle. It's improving with consistency,and now both are waking less at night and stretching out time between feeds. DH had an unavoidable meeting tonight where he had to attend to give a presentation. Totally fair enough as he's the wage earner right now. However, routine has gone to hell and I've been up and down the stairs umpteen times. DTs are now back down with me in front of Eastenders until DH gets home. The thing is, he now wants to go to football training every Tues night from 7-9. He already does footie all day on a Saturday, often playing at away matches a few hours away. I think all our progress will get undone as I can't manage bedtime for DTs alone.
so Sarah you get to decide what's a 'really good use of AIBU' do you?
The OP asked a question and said she'd take onboard the views of those with twins (some who said she WBU). Why would you think a DH who wants to fuck off one day on the weekend and one night during the week should get more 'respect' then a woman who's carried twins, given birth and has openly admitted she is struggling?
Although at 12 weeks I didn't want to do hobbies, I just wanted more fucking sleep... and I only had 1.
If she takes a day "off" as well at the weekend they will never have any time as a family.
But it's not about her having equal time off, it's about her struggling with bedtime on her own at the moment. Doesn't mean he can never do evening hobbies, just that right now it makes life really hard for her. I think it's selfish to leave her to do it in that situation. My dh has lots of hobbies, but would never want me to be struggling and the same vice versa.
I think the OP actually stated she would take on board the views of those with experience of twins, not necessarily just those who agree with her.
Has the OP stated anywhere that her husband has refused to let her also have a day and an evening to herself?
If he was wanting time to himself to enjoy his hobbies but refusing to take over care of the twins on a regular basis to let her have some hobby time then I would say that he is beng totally unreasonable and selfish, but this hasn't been said or if it has then i have totally missed it.
I think it is unreasonable to expect to be able to disappear off for a full weekend day and one evening when you have 12 week old twins.
Anyway it does not matter - OP has already stated that she is going to take on board the views of everyone who agrees with her and ignore the rest. Really good use of AIBU. Hopefully her DH's views get a little more respect when they do not accord with her own.
He gets to do his hobby because HINBU. She does not have to do everything, no-one is suggesting she needs to be a martyr.
I struggle sometimes with the 2 year old and 6 month old, I can't imagen how hard it must be with 2 babies
I think if he has all sat to play football he should wait until they are older before taking time in the week as well.
Unfortunatly late meetings may be unavoidable sometimes and you might find that the routine has to be more flexable on these days, keeping them up until they fall asleep then poping them into bed for example
My twins are 2yo now and we didn't do bedtime solo untiol about 20months. It was easier and quicker and both of them got the attention they wanted and went to sleep happy. In my book your DH is being unreasonable.
I understand there are people who have to do it solo, but its not the ideal choice. OPs DH doesnt HAVE to play football, he can wait until they're a bit older.
Tell him you are doing something one night every week that means he's doing bedtime solo and see how he copes....
And what Grandstanding said unelss you have two the same age, not an age gap of whatever, you will have NO IDEA of what it's like to deal with two the same age.
but she 's NOT married to a shift worker!!!! why does he get to do his hobby and she gets to do evrrything!????
One night a week is not that unreasonable anyway but how the hell do you think people married to shift workers cope.
Speaking as a mother of 16 week old twins and a 2 1/2 yr old. For your own sanity make sure u get one night off from bed time routine and ur OH gets one night off aswell. I used to bathe my singleton every night for a routine however with the twins , they get a bath at some stage during the week never at the crazy bedtime witching hour. Find what works and makes it easy for u, as it will all change again fairly quickly with teething/growth spurts. My husband is a cricketer n a rugby head an once I demanded the same hours as he had off he quickly reduced his two nights training and one full day at weekend . You do have to leave the house during ur time off though because oh will rope u in
Can I just say that as a mother of singletons, I am <cringing> on behalf of all the other singletons who have piled on to say that their 13 / 16 / 18-month age gap is more or less the same.
No. It. Is. Not. It is nothing like it.
The OP isn't bathing them every night to make things hard on herself. She is trying to get some semblance of a routine in order to ultimately make things a bit easier on herself. And 12 weeks is absolutely not too early to be doing this.
She is probably tying to wrap some semblance of control around a situation most of us cannot fathom.
wickerbasketcase - you're not being unreasonable. But posting here in AIBU did mean you were bound to get a load of competitive martyrs coming on to say that your DP is entitled to a night out, and you should sucki it up.
Well, I disagree. In these early days he should be helping.
I do not think I am extraordinary at all, blue.
I have posted on the thread without mentioning i had twins but it seemed that unless quantified it with my experiences, then my opinions weren't valid.
I wasn't going for smug and I am sorry if it came across that way. I certainly don't feel it, was trying to give my experiences in a nutshell and give another side to the whole twins must be horrific stance. I never said it easy but what I did to make it easier.
Thank you, queen, I feel very lucky to have mine too.
Yes but the reason OP posted is that she had to do bedtime solo as her dh had a late meeting. It's pretty likely this might happen again so it'd be a good idea to think about how to make it easier next time, surely?
I hope you've got extensive experience of looking after 3 dc under 3 feesh otherwise you know, you really have no idea either.
The hobby thing is a different question. All day Sat plus every Tues is taking the piss imho.
Leaving anything else aside, I always worry about newish mothers who get hooked on a routine with very little babies. Because it could be a proper routine-but could also just be a week of flukes. And either way it could go all haywire at the next developmental stage- and if you've invested heavily in the routine it feels even worse when it all changes. You've got the awfulness of everything being all over the place again, and the feeing that you've done something to "break" it. Rather than it just changing because that's what babies do. iYSWIM.
Feesh, I had twins and a singleton within 18 months, so really, I have triplets!
People who managed BECAUSE THEY HAD TO when their partner WAS WORKING. This woman's partner fancies doing a bit more of his hobby, WHY SHOULD SHE HAVE TO MANAGE TO INDULGE HIM? They are his children too!! Sorry for shouting.
I was just about ok with dh continuing his hobby one day each weekend when we had dts, but said evenings were not ok at all, I needed him home for bedtimes!
BUT as work frequently meant he was home late we developed our bedtime routine from the start which I could manage by myself when required. So definitely no daily bath, far too hard at that age on my own.
I think it is great to have the exact same bedtime rituals, in our case it was getting changed, dim the lights, bottles in their bouncy chairs, lightly swaddled, then put down in bed. Of course there were good days and bad, but we settled into a pattern that suited me and dh did his best to be home playing his part as much as he could.
I do fall into the camp that thinks life SHOULD change dramatically when you have kids, especially twins. How can it not? Days were easier to make subtle changes to but the biggest change for us was evenings: absolutely no going out or having people over because we had to be able to manage bedtimes.
alloutofideas I'm sure you realise how extraordinary you are by being able to have done what you did. I have the same gaps, and nearly went under. Please don't spoil your achievements by minimising what you did, and coming off as smug.
It's not about whether you can cope its whether you should have to. Football is not an entitlement when you have baby twins. It's just not.
I don't have twins, but I think he's massively taking the piss. All of those people basically saying "suck it up", why the hell should she? Why shouldn't he "suck it up" that his life has to change a bit too?
why the hell SHOULD a mother of twins do bedtime by herself just so that the father can have ANOTHER game of football when he already gets a whole day of football at the weekend???
it's not at all the same as having to do it yourself because you are a lone parent or your partner works late.
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