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AIBU to say if you cant be quiet you can go home

(23 Posts)
keelyboo Mon 19-Aug-13 12:02:44

Well not that rudely lol, I insist on a night or two where bf either goes home early or doesn't come round, as a single mum with no family help and no spare cash to pay a babysitter I until I met my bf used my evenings when the children are in bed to relax and have some me time. Usually a glass of wine with the tv off or catching up the soaps or reading my book, its peaceful and I found it my coping mechanism to getting through the week it would only be once or if I was lucky twice because normally evenings are spent catching up on housework.

BF is one of those people who doesn't like his own company in the respect he prefers to be around people he doesn't like silence so doesn't understand why I like that odd night, though he does agree he can see it does me the world of good.

I cant do those things when he is here because he talks non stop lol and he doesn't live here obviously so has nothing to do plus with work and the children our time together is limited so when he is here I prefer to actually spend the time with him, but because we spend so little time together he gets upset when I do want the odd night to just wind down.

aibu to want this and insist on it? I actually don't know if Iabu or not so am willing to accept maybe I am.

kinkyfuckery Mon 19-Aug-13 12:04:15

You should definitely be scheduling time for yourself, if that's what you need. If he doesn't understand that, he's a dick!

ilovesooty Mon 19-Aug-13 12:13:47

YANBU at all

He should be mature enough to be aware that adults need time for themselves and respect that.

BrokenSunglasses Mon 19-Aug-13 12:19:17


When I was a single Mum I had a boyfriend who had very little to do with my children through my choice. One of the reasons we broke up was because he seemed to think that because my children and work already took so much of my time, I should want to use any other time on him. He too found it very hard to get his head round that wanting time to myself was completely normal, and it wasn't a reflection on how I felt about him.

keelyboo Mon 19-Aug-13 12:26:27

He gets a lot of free time he is self employed so can schedule anything he wants to do around work, so I think he takes it for granted. I think its the mixed signals I get, he has understood as the months have gone by just how much I do with zero help and yet still has a bit of a sulk when I want an evening to myself.

wibu to just ignore the sulks, he has to realise eventually it is not something I am willing to give up, in the respect I wouldn't stop him going to watch the football despite not understanding why he finds it so fascinating

ChasedByBees Mon 19-Aug-13 12:30:49

Absolutely YANBU and I would use the football analogy with him. After all, why is he watching football when he could be with you?

I also need quiet time - I love having the house to myself. After being 'on' all day at work or with DD, I just need some time to be silent and still.

Ezio Mon 19-Aug-13 12:31:54

Ignore it, i know as a single mother, that peace and quiet is like the holy grail.

On my 30th birthday, after a day out i turned down the chance to get pissed, just so i could have the evening to myself.

softlysoftly Mon 19-Aug-13 12:32:21

YANBU DH works nights, I am very very busy with 2 kids, 2 jobs and a DH working all hours, most nights I have something to do. So when I schedule a little time off I am most curmudgeonly if I get a visitor or DH changes his plans to be there. grin

He needs to understand your needs or he is not THE ONE.

Libertine73 Mon 19-Aug-13 12:34:41

yes, definitely ignore the sulking or tell him to stop sulking!

In the end it doesn't matter if we think or he thinks YABU (I don't at all) but it's what you need, that's all that counts.

keelyboo Mon 19-Aug-13 12:43:29

softly, he arranged to go to football the other week so as eldest two were with their dad it was just ds and I, so I planned to get him to bed early and just relax. Bf then said he might not go and I admit I did growl a bit inside.

I have explained to him about football being the same thing and got "I wouldn't go if It meant I could spend time with you" I told him not to be so silly, unless it was a very important occasion he can watch football when he wishes in the same respect I wouldn't want an evening to myself say on his birthday or a family occasion, its give and take imo.

The relationship is brilliant in all other ways so I don't want it to become a huge issue so think I will just ignore the sulks

livinginwonderland Mon 19-Aug-13 12:49:06

YANBU! Just ignore him or say he can only stay if he agrees to shut up! If he doesnt't shut up, boot him out and barricade yourself at home with wine and chocolate!

Cerisier Mon 19-Aug-13 12:54:52

Tell him to bring a book or magazine to read or a laptop to browse on so you can enjoy a companionable silence together. Incessant chatter would drive me up the wall too.

DeWe Mon 19-Aug-13 12:57:27

I get exactly where you're coming from. I remember staying in once on my own when staying at pil. Then bil decided to stay because he had some important work.
He didn't shut up for 5 minutes despite having an important project to finish. You could hear him non stop:
"Now where is the cellotape, I don't know where the cellotape is, is it in this drawer... no... ah here it is, just a little, that's a bit much..." <walks into where I am >"I've just used too much cellotape, but I'm going to cut it off and start again..." <wonders out again> "I need to get all this done, I expect I need to change the first paragraph again, I've done it three times and I'm not happy..."

I don't think he even realised he was doing it. shock

OMG, it's 'My girl's mad at me' with a reversal of sex!

My girl's mad at me
I didn't wanna see the film tonight
I found it hard to say
She thought I'd had enough of her
Why can't she see
She's lovely to me?
But I like to stay in
And watch t.v. on my own
Every now and then

EllesAngel Mon 19-Aug-13 13:05:42

YANBU I need alone time too, it's essential to my sanity. I used to love the peace and quiet when I was at home and the dc were at school. The only one who is allowed to spend time with me at those times is Elledog.

sherbetpips Mon 19-Aug-13 13:09:01

my SIL said the same thing yesterday, we have her son this week for a holiday club and she was all happy because her DH was due to be away on business - a whole week to herself. Except he told her yesterday that he thought she would be lonely so has postponed until next week - when of course she will have DS back and have to do it all on her own. Daft sod.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 19-Aug-13 13:12:23

I'm in the same situation and quite often say I'm knackered and need an eve to myself! I've explained it's not him, it's just the only time I get and if I don't look after myself & have that silence where I can just vegetate in front of some shit tv and go to bed stupidly early then I'd resent DP and it'd be harder to look after DS without feeling like I've wound down.

He does sometimes bring a book and read that whilst I MN and go to bed early which is blissful but sometimes I need a night where I know I'm seeing no one and can do whatever I fancy.

Seriously, you need it and anyone worth their salt would appreciate that and how tough it can be having no real break besides the evening thanks

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 19-Aug-13 13:14:31

^ we obviously do have nice evenings when we're together btw! I only do that about once a fortnight if I'm feeling a bit tense but he also plays a bit of sport which means he's not here every evening anyway smile

dreamingbohemian Mon 19-Aug-13 13:15:48


I can't stand grown men who sulk. This is not a small issue.

TheOrchardKeeper Mon 19-Aug-13 13:19:40

^ agree with dreaming'

It's very important for you and not just some selfish whim & I'd be concerned that he's sulking about it, regardless of what he's saying.

VenusRising Mon 19-Aug-13 13:27:36

Sulking is a red flag!
You don't need a manchild. No matter what else is going on in the brilliant relationship, sulking brings it all down to nought. It's a deal breaker for me.

Being on your own and doing what you want is a basic human requirement.
You've got to fight for your right to not party!

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 19-Aug-13 13:27:37

Firstly, sulking is a red flag, so just be aware of that and keep your eyes open.

Secondly of course it's fine and normal to want time to yourself! Definitely speak to him about it, but watch his response, that is the telling thing. Also worth thinking about - do you see the relationship progressing to living together eventually? It would definitely be a good idea to set boundaries in place now because when he is around all the time it still doesn't mean you have to spend every night doing stuff together, I'm a extrovert but such clinginess would get on my tits! A girl needs her time to mumsnet wink

How long have you been together? I'd find it a bit weird if you don't live together but he is around every night. Is he eating there too?

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