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To be pissed off that husband has never got me a birthday present?

(82 Posts)
goodgollygosh Mon 19-Aug-13 09:54:39

Well there's more to it than that he has never got me a birthday present. But more so that he will buy thoughtful presents for every other member of his family!
I had nothing off him for my birthday not even a card from the children (yet on his family's birthday he gets them all those cards with pics of the children on). On Mother's Day I had nothing I made myself a card with the children yet his nan (mother is dead) got a picture card and framed picture of the children. Its now coming up to his younger brothers girlfriends birthday. She is a right cow to say I can't stand her is an understatement. She is very sly and tried to set him up with her relative and gave out his number. He has gone and ordered her £30 of items from benefit website. I could cry I don't even have any mascara and would love a benefit set! Its not even like they buy for us! He says its because they buy for the children (yeah cheap tat).
Tell me honestly am I being a selfish cow and sounding spoilt? I'm not so hope it doesn't come across like that I'm sooooooo generous to every one I just feel so unimportant to him (its always been like this).
Thanks ladies.

goodgollygosh Mon 19-Aug-13 11:01:30

Not much at present to be honest oddsockmonster.

VodkaJelly Mon 19-Aug-13 11:08:38

It is really sad that he values other peoples birthdays and feelings before yours. My DP used to be crap at birthdays but I always got a card, he has been alot better lately and I do at least get presents. He only buys for his parents as I refuse to buy for his family.

DP forgot my birthday once (whole other thread) and i think that it what shamed him into changing.

You need to stop buying for your DP and use the same excuses he uses. He might not be bothered, but if he is then he might see how much it hurts to be ignored.

miemohrs Mon 19-Aug-13 11:09:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonPeculiarJones Mon 19-Aug-13 11:11:02

What the hell are you doing with this arsehole?!

Wow. What a horrible man.

ouryve Mon 19-Aug-13 11:11:36

YANBU. He obviously remembers other people's birthdays so doesn't even have the forgetful excuse.

Buy yourself something nice.

ouryve Mon 19-Aug-13 11:16:42

And reading on, he's a grade A* arsehole and treats you like a possession. You can't go back and change anything from the past, but you can definitely make changes for the better, now (and it sounds like you've made a good start).

He's not ever going to care for you, so I'm glad you've started caring for yourself.

LaRegina Mon 19-Aug-13 11:19:41

He sounds like a selfish pig who doesn't give much of a shit about your feelings TBH sad

In the past I have had boyfriends who didn't bother (much or not at all) with birthdays/gifts/etc and their level of effort definitely reflected their level of day to day effort and care in our relationship in general.

My DH takes a lot of time choosing birthday/Christmas presents and little random gifts for me, because he loves me and wants to make me happy, as I do for him.

You deserve to be treated just as well. You say he's always been like this - so it will be a hard slog to change his attitude, sadly, if you can at all. How long have you been together?

Earthworms Mon 19-Aug-13 11:27:45

Get some counselling for your self esteem ( been there- it does work)

Dump the sorry fucker.

Hopasholic Mon 19-Aug-13 11:41:09

You sound like you have a lot going here and maybe this is the final straw?

You'll get lots of good advice and support in relationships if you want to move the thread there?

Any DH who treats his DW like that is not a good dad. He's a very poor role model indeed. Just because he does all the brownie point stuff does not make him a loving kind person does it?

Happy belated birthday. You can have a better life than the one you have you know. Everybody deserves to be happy flowers

RegTheMonkey Mon 19-Aug-13 11:46:35

You really do deserve to be treated muuuuuuch better than this. You sound like a really nice person and it's horrible that he thinks so little of you. Imagine another 5 years of this, another 10, another 15 - all those years of unhappiness stretching ahead, when you could be with someone lovely who would love and cherish you.

goodgollygosh Mon 19-Aug-13 11:49:50

Thanks everyone. Some great advice. Iam worth more than this. I don't deserve to feel second best to some slag who was sleeping around who quite frankly was an ugly bitch. I shouldn't dwell on how he thought so much of her but is too ashamed to be seen with me, but I'm feeling very bitter right now. I'm a nice person and I think I could be so happy by myself right now because all I'm gaining at the moment is self pity.

MarnieMadden Mon 19-Aug-13 11:58:01

My ex husband was like this. My sister used to end up buying me a Mothers Day card from my son when he was a baby. My ex used to go and buy one for his mother, and never had that train of thought that maybe he should get one for his sons mam (ie me!) too! Christmas and Birthdays were the same, even though I always made the effort to get stuff for him from me and our son.
This is one of many reasons why he is now my exh.

FayeKorgasm Mon 19-Aug-13 12:12:17

Oh he is a real charmer.

He is nice to everyone else so the world thinks he is a great bloke, but to his wife and the mother of his children, he reveals his true nature.

OP, you say he is a good father, I beg to differ. A good father would treat the mother of his children with kindness and respect. They are learning now about love and respect between adults. He is showing them that a mother/wife is at the bottom of the heap. This is a template they will use when forging relationships as adults.

I think the time to stop accepting his cruelty - and that is what it is - has come.

You sound heartbroken sad

stickyg Mon 19-Aug-13 13:01:26

Im a lurker and very rarely post of here but i had to come out of lurk mode to tell you what an absolute wanker this fucker is .

please dont let a scumbag like him treat you in such a cruel way. I would be packing his bags for him

goodgollygosh Mon 19-Aug-13 13:28:16

Stickyg never a finer sentence spoke. Its true he is a fucker, and I have been blinded by my devotion to him. I adore him its true. He is one of those people that when he walks into a room he is the centre of attention. But I've had enough of years of everyone else's feelings being more important than mine.

hotritenow Mon 19-Aug-13 13:31:18

Oh OP I feel so angry for you...I can't believe he is buying a present for his brothers girlfriend and none for you...I mean WTF is that all about...

Hercy Mon 19-Aug-13 13:41:54

I don't like to say it, but it does sound like he's ashamed of you and takes you for granted.

You say you are devoted to him, perhaps if you were to completely curtail all the nice things you do for him, be it buy him presents, bring him a cup of tea, do things he likes doing, cook dinner, wash his clothes...everything. To illustrate that you feel he doesn't care about you and your relationship is all one sided, so why should you do all these things for him.

Of course the grown up thing would be to have a proper talk with him, say how hurtful his treatment of you is and that you deserve better or it's over, but I suspect you've already tried this.

Hercy Mon 19-Aug-13 13:46:42

Oh and try to have as much confidence in yourself as you can, it's great you'd losing wight, new haircut and clothes etc. Keep doing these sorts of things for yourself, have confidence in yourself and realise and act that you don't deserve to be treated in such a way.

That might help him see how awfully he's been treating you and taking you for granted. Perhaps you putting up with his behaviour has desensitised him to it, so he sort of thinks oh it's only goodgollygosh, it doesn't matter. So you being more confident in yourself may be a real wake up call for him. And if it isn't? Well hopefully it will give you enough confidence to leave...

goodgollygosh Mon 19-Aug-13 13:49:39

I'm thinking of emailing him? He works in an office so has access to his emails. If I email I'm just going to come out with all of it and detail as much as I can of how he has treated me like a first class mug over the years. I've tried countless times, I've written him a letter before and at the start of the year around my birthday time I told him that it doesn't need to cost a penny but he needs to show me he has any feelings for me. It hasn't happened and I'm just about ready to tell him to piss off.

PedantMarina Mon 19-Aug-13 13:51:16

When I was a teen, there was something in one of the heartthrob magazines entitled "Fan, Friend or Forever Love". Don't remember the breakdown exactly, but based on your description, you fall into neither the middle nor latter category in the alleged-brain of your (I suspect) STBXH.

Some people (men) are not capable of friendships or love, but only of having what they consider fans. I had a [apparently not] friend who was like this: any attempt to be nice to the guy was taken for "oh, that's only my due because I'm such a fantastic poet" (he wasn't, btw): he was simply incapable of thinking people might do it because they're genuinely nice or caring or - gods forbid - that it's normal give&take of normal relationships.

In my case, the guy did it with pretty much everybody. In your case, I think he does it with you alone. And, sorry, I don't see how he's every going to think differently about you.

A classic MN LTB vote from me, I'm afraid.

Ghirly Mon 19-Aug-13 13:51:46

YADNBU - bang out if order!

I'd be gutted too.

Happy Birthday from me. X

goodgollygosh Mon 19-Aug-13 13:54:45

Thanks Ghirly but its not my birthday haha! Not for another 5mnths I'm just ever so slightly annoyed because of the (I want that) present he has bought for yet another person.

SueDoku Mon 19-Aug-13 13:57:14

Well, here it is - my very first LTB.

You deserve much, much better than this selfish man (?) angry

Ghirly Mon 19-Aug-13 14:04:27

Well happy birthday when it comes.

My ex doesn't buy me birthday card/present but does get me Mother's Day card from kids.

It's my birthday this week and I've resigned to not getting anything from him.
Just luckily I have two adult children who spoil me so that makes up for it.

The email sounds great.

FWIW I've recently ended a relationship with someone I ADORED because he put his exes feelings first and even after 17 months of us being together couldn't admit to ex he was with me.
We have no children - thankfully - so it was a bit simpler but still hurt massively.

We're trying to stay friends so I made a fuss over his birthday just gone. He knows mine is in 2 days...... I'm waiting with baited breath for.......... Probably nothing!

I feel your pain. Xx

misskatamari Mon 19-Aug-13 14:19:03

He sounds bloody awful. He doesn't sound like he does anything at all to show he cares about you. I agree with others that you deserve a hell of a lot more from a relationship. LTB!

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