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to think I have a right to know my child is going to have a sibling?

(55 Posts)
CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 22:49:46

My exHs girlfriend is pregnant. I guessed several months ago when our dd was moved out of the bedroom next to his against her wishes yet still my ex has not actually told me. I have had another child since we separated and ensured I told him rather than him hearing it from someone else as obviously having a sibling is a big deal for our daughter. AIBU to think that exH should have told my daughter and I? She found out yesterday when her old bedroom was left unlocked and saw a cot etc in there. Girlfriend is at least 5 months pregnant so not waiting for the 3 month thing.

Famzilla Tue 06-Aug-13 22:54:44

I think your DD had a right to know, not necessarily you.

Maybe his GF has had a late miscarriage or stillborn baby and didn't want to tell anyone? Especially a young child.

Famzilla Tue 06-Aug-13 22:55:19

I mean previously, not in this pregnancy.

FredFredGeorge Tue 06-Aug-13 22:57:31

You have no right, DD has a right and shouldn't've found out by seeing a cot, however they are not being particularly unreasonable about waiting longer than 3 months, but even then you have no right to know, sorry.

deleted203 Tue 06-Aug-13 22:59:22 old is your dd?

Don't actually think you have the right to know anything, but it's slightly odd that they haven't told dd. It is however, up to them when they inform people they are having a child. How do you know gf is at least 5 months pregnant? And how do you know they weren't waiting for tests to see whether they continued with the pregnancy? For all you know they might have been waiting for an amnio and the test results back before deciding to tell dd they were having a baby. I know having a sibling is a big thing for dd - but I think YABU to state 'I have a right to know'.

It's probably courtesy to inform you rather than you hearing it from someone else - but it's certainly not your right.

HeySoulSister Tue 06-Aug-13 23:00:29

How do you 'have a right'?

It's not happening to you

CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 23:00:44

No she hasn't Famzilla. Dd was moved to a different bedroom around 6 months ago - surely if she's that far gone dd needs to be told rather than just go for contact and find a baby there!

edam Tue 06-Aug-13 23:00:56

I'm not sure talk of 'rights' is helpful here. Clearly they will tell dd at some point - it's a shame she had to find out by glimpsing the cot. Was she upset at all, or merely passing on something she'd observed?

CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 23:03:32

I phrased it badly. In the ideal world, exH should've told dd by now and informed me out of courtesy as it's a big deal for her. They aren't waiting for tests or anything - everyone else knows.

HeySoulSister Tue 06-Aug-13 23:04:57

How do you know??

It's their news and up to them who they tell and when

CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 23:05:37

She was upset they weren't honest about why she had to move bedrooms, upset they haven't told her, upset that she hasn't seen a scan picture etc. She feels excluded.

Lweji Tue 06-Aug-13 23:13:13

How old is your DD?

I'd encourage her to ask them directly about it.
And give them the benefit of the doubt.

Cravey Tue 06-Aug-13 23:14:07

Your child has the right to know when her father and stepmother see fit, you have no right at all. How old is your dd ?

MikeLebowski Tue 06-Aug-13 23:22:35

I don't know about 'a right' to know but yup when I became pregnant Dh ex was one of the first to know. We don't get on particularly well, however as it's potentially upsetting and confusing times for my dsc it just seemed like the decent thing to do.
She appreciated the heads up.

Famzilla Tue 06-Aug-13 23:29:37

How do you know she hasn't? Can you honestly say you know everything about this woman's life?

Aside from DP, my closest friend and a few HCP's, no one knows that my PFB is not actually my PFB..

IneedAyoniNickname Tue 06-Aug-13 23:30:08

Actually I think you do have a 'right' for want of a better word, as the new baby will affect your dd.

My exs gf is pregnant. They told the dc when she was 3 weeks, but they didn't tell me as they didn't want to upset me. I only know as someone mentioned it to me, that was a shock I can tell you!

Ex casually mentioned "babyname" on the phone last week, I was so tempted to reply "who the fuck is babyname?" But didn't because I was in the co-op

Like Mike said its a potentially upsetting and confusing time for existing dc, and knowing would have made me trying to work out why my 8 year old had seemingly had a personality transplant much easier!

GiraffesAndButterflies Tue 06-Aug-13 23:35:22

Do you actually know for sure she is pg? Cot by itself doesn't mean that.

CuteFeet Tue 06-Aug-13 23:42:39

She's 8. They've told everyone else.

Oodelaranana Tue 06-Aug-13 23:42:40

You say everyone else already knows? What do you really know for sure and what are you just guessing? I don't think you have a right to know but it would have been polite and sensible to have told you. I do feel very sorry for your DD though if they haven't told her and included her properly. They are setting themselves up for trouble and hurting her by acting like that when she might have been really excited about the thought of a baby if handled better.

Cravey Tue 06-Aug-13 23:44:23

I think you may be just guessing here, how do you know who knows and who doesn't ? Regardless it's still down to them to tell your child. They don't have to tell you anything really. It's sad for your dd if she feels pushed out but it falls to you to make things easier.

crazykat Tue 06-Aug-13 23:46:08

Sort but its none of your business that they're having a baby together. They should however have told your DD but its up to them when they want to tell her. Just because you felt the need to tell your ex when you were having a baby doesn't mean he has to do the same.

Oodelaranana Tue 06-Aug-13 23:48:05

Can you gently ask them yourself? Perhaps say that DD has guessed because of the cot and see what they say? If you're sure other people know I can't see a good reason why they haven't told your daughter.

Viviennemary Tue 06-Aug-13 23:52:05

I think it is only courtesy that your ex should tell you his partner is having a baby if your DD sees them. I agree that it is the decent thing to do.

aldiwhore Tue 06-Aug-13 23:52:11

I feel for your dd, and I do think that although they shouldn't have to tell you everything, as this is something that will affect your dd, they should have told her and made her feel included, and because of that, it would have been courteous and better all round to tell you too.

But... people are odd. All you can do is support your dd, be positive, as positive as you can. It's not the baby's fault that your dd's father made her feel left out, and she needs to believe this.

olidusUrsus Wed 07-Aug-13 03:24:44

Yes I think they should have given you the courtesy of letting you know your DD was going to have a baby brother or sister appearing at some point. Your DD certainly should have been told, finding out by seeing the cot must've been horrible for her.

I'd do what Oodelara said.

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