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to be seriously thinking about registering the baby in my name

(169 Posts)
frenchboy Tue 06-Aug-13 22:46:40

DP and I are engaged, and expecting our first child imminently.

Recently we've had a lot of stress and money worries over CSA and contact issues for his daughter. It's got to the point where I'm wondering what the hell I've let myself in for, and often can't see myself staying around to put up with this sort of nonsense for much longer.

With this in mind, and the fact that even if all this were sorted out we could never afford even the most basic of wedding ceremonies, I'm getting increasingly sceptical about registering our baby with his surname.

Aside from all the practical issues - travel, school etc, I'd quite like my child and I to have the same family name. If DP and I worked through everything, and somehow got the money together one day to get married, we'd need to reregister the birth anyway so it would be no problem 'updating' baby's surname too.

AIBVU to be considering this? Haven't even broached the subject with DP yet, but he'd be very p'd off. Might leave it until we're actually registering to bring the topic up....

ChinaCupsandSaucers Fri 09-Aug-13 09:19:46

swallow If dad was hands on, wanted 50:50 care, and is maybe even currently fighting to have primary care of his DCs, why on earth would the OP be better off giving the baby her name, not Dads?

Using your argument, if Dad is going to be an equal part of his DCs life, then surely the OPs DC will experience the same questioning and stigma if they don't share his name?

It's clear you have concluded that Dad isn't committed and that's why you think the OP should use her name and not consider her DPs views at all.

swallowedAfly Fri 09-Aug-13 09:30:01

we've already been through this a million times and it seems silly to repeat the same reasons i, and others, have been through over and over.

most of my conclusion is based on the socio-political reality of the society we live in and what happens when parents split up in that reality.

QuintessentiallyOhDear Fri 09-Aug-13 09:35:37

Op I get you. You want to protect your future self and baby, you don't want a massi e custody battle. So you don't marry him, you don't put him on the birth certificate, and you don't give baby his surname.

Reading between your lines it is not so much IF it goes tits up but when.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Fri 09-Aug-13 09:48:04

Quin but the OPs DP can still apply to court for Parental Responsibility and contact with his DC.
It really does depend on what the issues with his older DCs are - is he an arse who can't be bothered with his DCs (in which case the OP may have to live with her decision to have a DC with him) or, is he a handson dad fighting for an equal role in his older DCs life, in which case the OP will struggle to exclude him from her DCs life irrespective of the name she decides on?

Only the OP knows as, regardless of the statistics about how many men walk away from their DCs, there are always exceptions to statistics - just as swallow has been at pains to point out!

Yonihadtoask Fri 09-Aug-13 09:55:27

I gave DS my surname. It was clear that his DF didn't want to marry me, so I was damned if I was giving exp the privilege of DS having his surname.

I don't understand why dc get the fathers surname when the parents aren't married. What a crock.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 09-Aug-13 09:58:43

Fwiw not putting him on the birth certificate will not prevent a residency Battle nor will it prevent him obtaining any of the rights being on it gives him.

If he wants to do so he can just take you to court for PR.

And in the great scheme of life it is highly unlikely for the csa issues to be caused by the pwc unless she's been fraudulent, its a cut and dried situation the amount they asses is the minimum you should pay but the max that can be enforced its a small % that gets reduced to accommodate your current situation.

The vast majority of csa issues are where the nrp has not bothered with paperwork job hopped to avoid it is lying about income or has to be forced to pay when they shouldn't have to be.

Its highly unusual for the csa to make a positive difference to the pwc when involved with a nrp who is willing fair amd does not mess about with payments.

swallowedAfly Fri 09-Aug-13 10:11:28

or denies parentage and so is forced to take a paternity test.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Fri 09-Aug-13 11:56:46

swallowed Only the OP knows for sure - and I'm a naturally half-full person, compared to your half-empty!

bluebell8782 Fri 09-Aug-13 14:11:52

I gave DS my surname. It was clear that his DF didn't want to marry me, so I was damned if I was giving exp the privilege of DS having his surname. I don't understand why dc get the fathers surname when the parents aren't married. What a crock. - Yoni

And I don't understand the thought process of not having a discussion about it as equal decision makers. Seems the man has to have a ring on his finger to 'have the privilege' - talk about being bullied up the aisle.

'Sorry mate - the baby might be half yours but because you won't marry me you are less of a parent' hmm

It wasn't that long ago that women weren't allowed to vote - but that was the law back then so it must have been right....

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 09-Aug-13 18:33:11

Last time the figures were given (think it was about 1-2 years ago) only 7% of all the babies registered in the uk had no father listed. I would hazard a guess that the mothers of those babies had a very good reason to not add them or the fathers felt they had a very good reason not to attend the appointment.

Its not as if there is a wide spread denial of men going on.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 09-Aug-13 18:34:21

And given that the dad can actually turn up at the registration with a court order forcing the mother to name him he already has recourse to prevent it.

If he's not interested the mother has no way of doing so.

swallowedAfly Sat 10-Aug-13 08:17:48

yes, you can't put the man's name on in his absence. so if he doesn't want it on there it doesn't happen. however if a woman leaves it off and he wants it on he can get it done retrospectively.

my glass isn't half empty and i wasn't suggesting anything about what the OPs partner had done actually - i was stating a reason that csa things can get dramatic or drawn out that had been left off of a list by another poster. you seem intent on accusing me of saying things i haven't.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 10-Aug-13 09:20:14

i was stating a reason that csa things can get dramatic or drawn out that had been left off of a list by another poster

But there are hundreds of other reasons that you haven't mentioned - the most simplistic is that the NRP is refusing to pay, but here's a thought - what if the OPs DP is the RP and it is his exW refusal to pay CSA? That's likely to create tension with her DP, and put significant pressure on their household finances!

My DPs ex refused to confirm to the CSA that the DCs spent any overnights with him, that created drama, too! Malicious reports to HMRC, employers who don't pay over the Salary name it, it's possible!

You have repeatedly focused on the assumption that the OPs DP is the NRP, who is in the wrong, when all we know is that, like many blended families, the complications are putting pressure on the OPs relationship.

swallowedAfly Sat 10-Aug-13 09:27:45

china you are projecting your shit with your dp's ex onto this scenario which isn't like that at all from what we can see.

you also seem to be redirecting a level of bile at me that surely has a more appropriate target? might explain why you keep saying i've said/believed/felt things that i haven't at all.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 10-Aug-13 09:39:17

swallowed No more than you are - its just as likely that the OPs DP is resident parent as he is to deny his paternity.....are you projecting, too?

The OP has not given details of the reasons her relationship is rocky beyond saying they are having hassle involving his older DCs maintenance - you only need to check out the Stepparenting board to discover the imaginative ways in which the life of a reasonable, hands-on Dad can be disrupted by a malicious ex and how many relationships fail as a result.

Of course, it suits some people better to assume that the OP is a poor judge of character and has 'got pregnant' by a man who isn't doing the right thing by his older DCs.

swallowedAfly Sat 10-Aug-13 09:40:16

and so it all comes out, predictably.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 10-Aug-13 11:12:45

swallowed it's always nice to have a balance of stereotypical posters, don't you think? wink

Wicked SM vs Man hating single mum always makes for an interesting debate!

swallowedAfly Sat 10-Aug-13 11:26:44

we could have our own little daily fail column.

swallowedAfly Sat 10-Aug-13 11:27:38

bloody mn. wonder where all the energy we've channeled into this thread (from which the OP scarpered long ago) could have been used? <eyes laundry pile>

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