to be seriously thinking about registering the baby in my name

[frenchboy]

DP and I are engaged, and expecting our first child imminently.

Recently we've had a lot of stress and money worries over CSA and contact issues for his daughter. It's got to the point where I'm wondering what the hell I've let myself in for, and often can't see myself staying around to put up with this sort of nonsense for much longer.

With this in mind, and the fact that even if all this were sorted out we could never afford even the most basic of wedding ceremonies, I'm getting increasingly sceptical about registering our baby with his surname.

Aside from all the practical issues - travel, school etc, I'd quite like my child and I to have the same family name. If DP and I worked through everything, and somehow got the money together one day to get married, we'd need to reregister the birth anyway so it would be no problem 'updating' baby's surname too.

AIBVU to be considering this? Haven't even broached the subject with DP yet, but he'd be very p'd off. Might leave it until we're actually registering to bring the topic up....

[Bambi27]

I think if you make the decision not to give your child your fiancées surname then he will be completely gutted and it may be the final nail in the coffin to your relationship. A wedding doesn't have to be expensive a registry office will do the job so if money is what is worrying you you don't have to have a big white wedding...however if you don't feel you will stay together that's your choice to put your surname but I think you really need to consider how this will affect your relationship.

Maybe don't think about it now wait until baby is born as it maybe your hormones making you think this??

[Shellywelly1973]

By giving the baby your name but having your dps name on the birth certificate, means your dp will still have parental rights over the child.

As your not married you could go & register the baby by yourself, give the child any name you chose & dps name can't be on the certificate unless he's with you at time of registration.

I would think long & hard...

[ImperialBlether]

Is he a good father to his daughter?

[Sirzy]

Why not change your name by deedpoll?

[Hassled]

Can you do a hybrid-surname? Mine are Hassled-Bloggs, for example. Is that a compromise?

[Amarena]

Regardless of nails in coffins, I would go ahead and register baby in your name.

You can change it to his if and when you get married but it would be a hundred times harder to do it the other way around. And if you do split, everyday things could be just that bit harder if his name is used.

Hugs, hope you're ok. I know from experience how emotional and stressful relationship problems at this point in a pregnancy are.

Xx

[MrsTerryPratchett]

DH and I are married and I still use 'my' name. Which means that DD and I have different names. We travel internationally, have lives, without the slightest issue. You can get married for next to nothing.

That leaves whether you actually want the new DC to have your DP's name. Do you?

[notanyanymore]

It is quite a big statement to make.
All my DC's have DP's surname (I felt it meant more to him then me) and it has never caused me any practical issues (even through the 18 months when we split up)

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I absolutely would not register the baby, who your partner is as much as part of as you, without at least discussing it.

Before the baby is born. So all is agreed and as calm as possible when s/he actually arrive.

I think it's appalling you would consider doing this without discussing it within the baby's father and man you are intending to marry. Communication is vital.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Registering the baby in your name is neither here nor there in my opinion, as long as adult discussion has gone on first.

[SummerHoliDidi]

Speak to your dp. He might be more enlightened than you think. A double barrelled name might work as a compromise. Even if/when you do get married you might decide to keep your own name, lots of women do.

My dd1 has my name, but dd2 has dp's name. It's strange having 2 separate surnames within our family but it works for us.

[frenchboy]

Thanks Amarena. You've pretty much summed up my worries. I'm not sure we're going to make it as a couple. I've said as much to my partner numerous times when all this has got too stressful recently. And things are going to be difficult enough if we split, without factoring in the awkwardness of having a different surname from my child. I would of course not seek to exclude his name from the birth certificate, I'm just not sure about giving our child his family name when I can't say how much longer we'll be a family.

[Leeds2]

My DD (15) has OH's surname, with my surname as one of her middle names. I was however always confident that our relationship would last, and it doesn't bother me having a different surname to my daughter.

In the circumstances you describe, I think I would want to give the child my surname. But I would discuss it with DP first.

[frenchboy]

I know I'm going to have to discuss if with him; I'm just dreading it.

We've had discussions before about my leaving due to the situation, but it never really goes anywhere as there's not a lot really he can do and we both want to make things work. This is different though, because of the set time to make a decision. And it will feel pretty final.

I'm pretty much decided that I want to do this. I guess I just need to get around to bringing the topic up now.

[Wonderstuff]

Why should the chid not have your name, regardless of whether you are going to marry? Why if you do marry should you change your name?

Could you double barrel?

[Wonderstuff]

I know the politics of the patriarchal naming system weren't your agenda, but bloody annoys me the assumption that children will take the fathers name.

[frenchboy]

Wonderstuff - completely agree on the whole patriarchal name system thing. I like my family name. And when I actually had some type of career, then I loved the associated reputation that came with 'my' surname. But DP - useless in even having this sort of conversation with him. He would never get it. Case of picking your battles.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Why would his desire to have his surname used be more important than your desire to have yours used?

It wouldn't be they are both equally valid but as you are not married legally its totally up to you.

[littleblackno]

I'm getting the impression this is more about your relationship than the name?

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

I would register the baby with my name if I was you - if it's the final nail in the coffin, then you were never going to make it as a couple... and if you get married you can either double barrel yours & DS's or change his by deed poll if you want to then.

Just remind DP that things are on rocky ground and if you don't make it as a couple you will be the one left in pretty much sole care of a DS with a different name which is not what you want and that if things settle down between you and you get married, then you can talk about changing his surname.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I am all for feminism. I consider myself a feminist.

I do not see how keeping your father's (or grandfather's or great grandfather's) surname and then giving it to you children is more feminist than giving your child the surname of their father. It's a patriarchal name system. Whatever one does, that's what it is.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Its not her dads or her granddads name its hers,it may also happen to be the same as those other relatives (if it is)but that does not stop it being her surname.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

But it is her dads/grandfathers etc surname that has been passed to her. That's how surnames work in patriarchal societies Sock.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

There's nothing wrong with keeping the surname one was born with nor with giving it to ones children. But I don't see it as being massively feminist.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

I agree its not a huge feminist issue.

But that does not change that its her name and became her name the day it was given to her just the same as the dads name became his the day it was given to him.

For all we know both parents could have been brought up by single mums who used there own names not the dads. ( unlikely I'm guessing but we do not know either way)