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Am I or is MiL?

(17 Posts)
PseudonymForProtection Tue 06-Aug-13 13:59:00

I've name changed as I'm newly pregnant, and I'm not quite ready to out myself.

We had an early scan (8 weeks) due to some health issues and as everything was alright, we decided to tell the In laws. If my mum was still alive I would have called her the day I did the test, so don't feel it's fair to stop DP telling his mum, despite the fact when we told them about DD, she told the rest of the family before we had a chance, which at the time I felt was a little unfair.

Anyway, here is where I need to know if I am being unreasonable, apparently MiL is happy for us, but wasn't very excited, and definitely not as excited as she was about DD. I've had issues in the past where I've felt the MiL was happy to show off DD but has never really taken the time to get to know her or take an interest in her.

Am I wrong to think that she should be just as excited about this new baby, and fear that this baby may play second fiddle to DD in MiL's eyes?

DP seems to think it's not unusual and that I'm over thinking it by being a bit deflated by MiL's reaction.

One last point before I turn myself over to the MN jury (and I am prepared to be told IABU) FiL is happy and very excited, but he's always been more invested in a relationship DD, and has always made time for her, and seems to genuinely want to spend time with her.

Slipshodsibyl Tue 06-Aug-13 14:02:38

People tend to be more excited about your first and this doesn't usually affect their relationship with the child when it arrives. It might be that your mil isn't as devoted a grandmother as you would like, but that is pretty common I think.

neolara Tue 06-Aug-13 14:03:09

I'm afraid I think it's completely normal for grandparents to go absolutely gaga over their first grandchild and to not have quite have the same special relationship with subsequent grandchildren.

NoisesOff Tue 06-Aug-13 14:04:23

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I don't think you should read too much into her reaction - who knows how she's thinking, really? Maybe she's just distracted by something else at the moment.

Also there's no reason to think that reaction to news of pregnancy will correspond to actual relationship with grandchild in the future. Pregnancy news is a bit theoretical compared with meeting an actual real baby.

cacamilis Tue 06-Aug-13 14:05:58

I have found with some people the first child brings lots and lots of excitement, subsequent children less so. My sister is expecting her 6th and I have to make myself act excited, that's probably really bad.blush
But I know when the baby comes I will love him.

To be honest you know what your mil is like so in future learn not to expect any better and you won't be disappointed. Be happy your dec has at least one loving grandparent, many don't even have that.

PrettyKitty1986 Tue 06-Aug-13 14:11:37

I felt just like you - when df and I told my parents we were expecting dc2, the reaction was lukewarm at best.
With dc1 there was excitement, tears, my dad acting like a kid and asking excitedly if he could be the one to phone my nan (his mum) and tell her.

None of that with dc2 - a 'oh! Lovely' and that was about it. I went home and cried my eyes out I was so disappointed.

BUT it has not affected how my parents act towards ds2 at all - they treat them both the same. The excitement did grow to a degree as the pregnancy progressed (although, never to the same height as the first time).

I just had to accept that people are usually never as excited the second time around. Probably because, once a young family has one dc, it's kind of 'expected' that another one will follow at some point so isn't the huge surprise the first one is.

Try not to take it to heart, i'm sure it's not meant. I promise you that there is absolutely NO difference in the way ds1 and ds2 are treated by anyone - but universally the excitement was more with ds1.

PseudonymForProtection Tue 06-Aug-13 14:41:53

Thanks so much for replying, I hope you're right and that it will grow with time, and as caca pointed out, I should be grateful for FiL, he is a wonderful grandparent

I guess for now I will be excited enough for MiL and anyone else who is slightly less than over the moon (dances off snoopy style )

for those who don't know what I'm talking about

Wibblypiglikesbananas Tue 06-Aug-13 14:45:00

I think people are less excited about 2nd and subsequent babies. My DM was super excited about the news that I was expecting DD, but when I told her DC2 was on the way, she asked if the pregnancy was planned!

SarahBumBarer Tue 06-Aug-13 14:45:17

Yeah - no-one really showed much interest in DC2. Errr - not even us to be entirely honest - certainly we did not have the whole pg calendar thing and stuff like that. There are even less appointments with the midwife with your second too so even they are not so bothered grin

Sorry but you really need to get used to it. Presents and flowers after the birth are not so good either shock grin

BoundandRebound Tue 06-Aug-13 14:47:57

Nobody makes a fuss second time round

Doesn't mean the children are less important just that it isn't the first time for you any more so it isn't as big a deal to be honest

HaroldLloyd Tue 06-Aug-13 15:12:03

Im sure she is excited. My mother loves both by DCs but her response when I got pregnant the second time was "Oh what if you split up you will be a single mother with TWO children. Oh dont have any more than 2 will you"

I just told her not to be a grumpy bastard.

Im sure that she will treat them the same when they arrive, there is usually less of a fuss on the birth of DC2, less presents less fanfare etc but its not to say that they wont be equally loved by family.

BrokenSunglasses Tue 06-Aug-13 15:22:10

I think you are over thinking it.

People are generally more excited about a first baby because its the start of a new little family. It's almost assumed that there will automatically be a second child somewhere after the first, so the second baby isn't the start of something new in the same way that the first one was.

It's not a personal thing against either of the babies, it's just the way it is.

TheYoniWayIsUp Tue 06-Aug-13 15:35:58

I had this. Good luck with your 3rd, people truly don't give a shite!

PseudonymForProtection Tue 06-Aug-13 16:23:56

Harold your mom's comments made me laugh - sorry

But thanks all - it's good to have mumsnet for those times, when you need someone to tell you to just stop being quite so precious

Amber76 Tue 06-Aug-13 16:26:25

Be prepared for it not just being your mil who isn't interested... I had my second baby 2 months ago and have yet to receive acknowledgement from my one of my brothers and various other family members!!! Was disappointed in the lack of interest and still think its poor manners but baby is fantastic so their loss!

Viviennemary Tue 06-Aug-13 16:28:24

I think it's only human nature to seem be more excited over the first grandchild. It doesn't mean than they will love the new baby any less. But a first grandchild is something of a novelty for most people I think.

MrsKoala Tue 06-Aug-13 18:00:35

I thought my parents would be over the moon when i told them about my first pregnancy, but they weren't bothered. In fact they were quite angry with me for telling them as if i lost it they would be upset and i should keep it to myself so as not to risk that they are also impatient and found the pregnancy really irritating as they wanted the baby out NOW. They just were irritable with my whole pregnancy really and saw me as annoying. They are extremely literal and immediate people and only really cared when DS arrived - and now dote on him. BUT till he was here i was just a pita to them. I have no doubt they will be even worse with my second pregnancy.

They'll love the baby just as much when it's here OP.

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