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AIBU or is DH re work

(113 Posts)
hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 12:37:01


DH works in a small healthcare setting and a little while ago a vacancy came up that would be his line managers line manager. I thought it looked perfect for me and so I applied... I haven't heard if I have been shortlisted for interview but DH is now saying it would be a conflict of interest and he feels uneasy about it and wants me to withdraw my application...

AIBU is saying no, I won't or is DH BU for asking me to?

LondonMan Mon 05-Aug-13 13:16:42

I can't believe there are people here who think you are unreasonable. He doesn't have more right to work there just because he got there first.

Since this job pays more, if he really doesn't want to work with you, it would be better for both of you if you worked there and he left.

lovecupboards Mon 05-Aug-13 13:19:50

I agree with cinnabar, the problem isn't so much you and your dh, it's how it will be perceived by the others in your department. I've worked with wife/husband couples in a team before and its a pretty iffy setup. You're open to all sorts of accusations of favouritism (plus the temptation to indulge in it).

Whoknowswhocares Mon 05-Aug-13 13:20:10

So DH doesn't want you to apply for a job that will vastly improve your family finances, you would love to do and for a company whom he has expressed a desire to leave on numerous occasions?????????
Well someone is being unreasonable, but its not you OP!

DontmindifIdo Mon 05-Aug-13 13:30:40

I think it would be hard to suddenly have you partner be your big boss - you aren't even his boss, you'd be his boss' boss, that's the important person and might effect how his boss responds to him.

However, his pride is the real issue, and male pride is a sensitive thing. You need to talk to him about it. Try being the practical about it, focus on the money situation, that it's better for the family as a 'team' - if you get the job, then you can both help him start looking for something else.

diddl Mon 05-Aug-13 13:34:27


If you get the job & he's unhappy-he can leave!

livinginwonderland Mon 05-Aug-13 13:37:40

I can see where you're both coming from.

YANBU to want a better job and to apply for a job that you want to do, but he is NBU to not want you to be his manager. I can see that being awkward and quite hard for him to accept or cope with, especially straight away.

However, he is BU to want you to give up your career/job just because he works there. He has no right to tell you were you can/cannot work. My parents worked in the same place for 20 years - different departments, but it was never a problem. I met my DP at wok but he has since moved to a different company. It was never a problem, but again, we were in different departments and in terms of work, we had nothing really to do with each other.

Go for it and try it out, don't let it cause problems until it does smile Good luck!

DameDeepRedBetty Mon 05-Aug-13 13:42:32

Everyone HAS noticed it was OP who was involved with the company first and originally introduced her DH to the employers haven't they?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 05-Aug-13 13:42:59

Yanbu. He is.

There is no conflict of interest. You will both be working towards the same goal, the one of your employer.

Is he worried you may be harsher on him?

I think it is pride tbh.

There are not that many jobs around and not applying for a well matching one would be madness. He could change job in six months and you would kick yourself for not applying. Go for it and good luck.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 05-Aug-13 13:43:36

Dame I noticed and I did think it was a bit rich of him.

kritur Mon 05-Aug-13 13:45:28

If you're just finishing a PhD and the job is in the same place then I'm guessing this is a university based role? Does your husband also have a PhD? Could he be worried about having a better qualified and greater earning wife? (I had an ex husband who did not like me having a PhD...)

Fuzzysnout Mon 05-Aug-13 14:10:09

Sorry OP, I x posted with you. With the new info I would be less inclined to think that YABU. I agree with those who have said see what happens re. the application & take it from there. You never know, if you get the job it might motivate DH to be more proactive in making his career what he wants it to be. Good luck!

hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 14:14:59

Hi, its not a university based role, its a health care setting run by a charity for a special population in which I interviewed patients. I was involved with them for about 2 years before dh started working there.... I can't be too specific for obvious reasons. The teams are a mix of rgn and support Workers. DH is a support worker.

Crinkle77 Mon 05-Aug-13 16:50:22

Would you have much to do with each other on a day to day basis? Will you have your own office? Surely if he is a support worker he will be out and about during the day? I would say go for it especially as you say you won't be involved in the discipline side of thing. It sounds to me like he is jealous and doesn't want you being higher than him

mirai Mon 05-Aug-13 17:06:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 05-Aug-13 17:17:54

So currently you earn X, he earns 1.5X and if you got the new job you would earn 3X.

Ie you two would be better off financially if you took the job and he spent his days on the golf course / writing a novel / training for a triathlon than you are now?

Well there is your answer. If he is supportive of you getting the job and it becomes awkward or uncomfortable then you are supportive of him giving up work and doing whatever his dream is.

attheendoftheday Mon 05-Aug-13 17:25:02

I think YANBU. Your dh's career is not more important than your career. If you need the money then you should take whatever job you can find.

hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 17:44:09

Hi, yes basically at the moment I work part time and gross around £13k, dh works full time and grosses around £19.5k, the job is full time with a min salary of £35k so more than both combined at the moment....

MortifiedAdams Mon 05-Aug-13 17:47:52

You should take it if offered. How wpuld you feel if you turned it down and then your dh left?

pianodoodle Mon 05-Aug-13 17:52:34

It is a small unit but I wouldn't be directly managing DH and I certainly wouldn't be responsible for discipline

In that case I think you're fine!

I wonder if he would mind if the roles were reversed?

maddening Mon 05-Aug-13 17:56:23

I think you should not withdraw your application.

pianodoodle Mon 05-Aug-13 18:12:47

Also, I don't think there's room for much pride when it comes to a significant pay rise that'll help the whole family.

Trills Mon 05-Aug-13 18:25:21

As long as the employers know of the relationship and don't think that it would be a problem in this particular setup then you should go for it.

As said above, when you have the job offer on the table with the salary number written down DH is hardly going to complain then. If he wants to get another job (and jobs for him are more widely available) then there's nothing stopping him.

Oldraver Mon 05-Aug-13 18:25:32

Has he said why he thinks you shouldn't work there ? It certainly makes financial sense and as he has already said he wants to leave it would be silly for you to not go for it

I think he doesn't like the fact his wife will be coming in at a role much above himself

Optimist1 Mon 05-Aug-13 18:37:13

Funny how he didn't have scruples about "conflict of interest" when you got him a job there in the first place! Go for it, OP!

hannibalismisunderstood Mon 05-Aug-13 23:28:27

Well after an afternoon of being hounded to withdraw and an evening of sulking we have had a big row and I have decided to withdraw but I have also called an end to our marriage as I cannot be with a man who acts like a petulant teenager sad thanks everyone for your comments

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