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to wonder why online dating isn't working for me

(95 Posts)
hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 17:33:37

(Apparently) I am attractive. I am well educated, good job, own home, car, 33 years old.

One DD who is 14 months.

Not a jot of interest sad Plenty of messages from men 20 years older than me, usually one liners like 'you have a great smile' but nothing from anyone my age who seems to be up for a relationship. I don't think it's DD either as even before I had her I got no interest from the sites.

AIBU to feel unattractive and invisible to the opposite sex!?

hadababygirl Fri 02-Aug-13 21:51:00

Yeah, I like the forum idea. Will have to try and find one with men on it. I'm only really on mum & baby ones at the moment.

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 21:52:43

When I was thirty someone 45 messaged me saying it was a shame he was out of my age range (implying this was unfair of me) as he thought I was great and we'd get on well.

I asked him how many 60 year olds he messaged on there.

He said fair point and fucked off.

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 21:55:10

I think photos on profiles is a bad idea in a way. I'm put off men that I would like if I was just going on the profile.

When I first went on getting photos on there wasn't as easy and people were more cautious about it generally. I liked more of them then.

But then I met more only to be disappointed too!

ProphetOfDoom Fri 02-Aug-13 21:58:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse Fri 02-Aug-13 22:04:45

I think you are being a tad prickly over the photos thing. There was a woman a while back on Relationships who was wondering why online dating wasn't going very well (I think all chancers wanting to have sex) and she put up her photos, and although she was a very attractive person, they did give off a 'party' vibe that was clearly attracting the wrong crowd.

Getting a few different photos together and asking a really good friend for some advice on which is the most attractive/open/friendly looking picture is not a bad idea.

It can be hard to 'read' your own photo and profile from outside, might be worth seeking a second opinion.

I do think online dating is not a great way to meet people though, all my friend's experiences recently have been terrible, they haven't had a problem meeting men but really have had a problem finding nice ones who want a relationship. It seems to be a sweet-shop mentality with people 'hooking up' and moving on very quickly. I'm not sure if you should carry on with this plan or whether some of the other suggestions might be better (forums, clubs, hobbies).

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 22:21:45

Matilda Mumsy has it - there is no party vibe in my pictures or in my profile. I'm not a 'good time girl'. I'm reasonably attractive, my profile is humourous and good natured, I've tried to let my personality come across, but sexy I am not. Eye candy, I am not. I am really only attracting people because they think we might have something in common. Men who want a relationship.

I wrote it from the perspective of the man reading it. So I've said I'm not impressed by the car someone drives or expensive gifts. Because I'm not, so anyone who thinks that will be enough will know it's not, and anyone who is worried about gold diggers will hopefully at least start to think I'm not one!

It's difficult to know because I was chatting with someone earlier this evening. We've looked at each other's profiles before, he's a very good looking man and this evening I just thought, why not? And emailed him. He said he thought other men might not feel confident enough to contact me and that I was lovely. I think that's what I want men to think. Not "she's gorgeous" or "she's sexy" or "I'd do her" or whatever! I want them to think I'm lovely. Because I want the sort of man who wants to meet a lovely woman.

Perhaps, OP, you are coming across as so self assured that the men are being scared off.

WafflyVersatile Fri 02-Aug-13 22:22:01

Join a morris minor forum! bound to be lots of men on that. grin

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 22:27:20

Oh and although my profile has been looked at by men of all ages, the majority who have contacted me have been in my age range and only a couple have been outside it, but I've been contacted by as many who were too you as were too old.

I'm not interested in anyone more than 3 or 4 years younger than me.

I've included a bit of self deprecating humour too, simply because I've got some quite geeky hobbies and interests, but I'm not really all that geeky.

(I am).

I told my ex husband the other day about some of the new songs I'm working on with my guitar. And he told me (very good naturedly) that I was probably someone's ideal woman, he just wasn't really sure the world was ready for that man! grin

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 22:30:27

I meet plenty of men in the real world because of my hobbies and interests. Unfortunately, they are largely old, married, gay and sometimes a combination of those!

I'm really hoping OD works for me because otherwise I'm destined to be told that I'm lovely and I deserve someone very special by 70 year olds for ever more!!!

FreudiansSlipper Fri 02-Aug-13 22:37:55

20 year old tarts hmm

or do you mean 20 year old women who like to have casual relationships great for them why not

many men and women are looking for something casual but i have found many around my age have shown an interest some older and quite a few younger. yes i have had the odd cheesy line but also make the first move you then know if they are interest if they reply

FreudiansSlipper Fri 02-Aug-13 22:41:38

ok so you have messaged them

sometimes i think a profile that is too serious is off putting put some humour into it

ProphetOfDoom Fri 02-Aug-13 23:31:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 23:33:24

Hey Matilda I'm on a roll at the moment, why not! grin

ProphetOfDoom Fri 02-Aug-13 23:35:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx Fri 02-Aug-13 23:42:40

No. A different one. blush

I've got 2 dates next week, plus another pencilled in for the week after (he's away next week) and then hopefully I'll speak again with the good looking man from this evening.

I don't want to do this for long, I would like for one of them to work out, but for the moment at least, this is fun.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 02-Aug-13 23:48:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VelvetSpoon Sat 03-Aug-13 00:08:03

ODing is mostly a load of cobblers tbh, and certainly not as easy as some people would have you believe. If you do meet someone it is usually down to a huge dose of luck, or else having fairly low standards (like a friend of mine who would reply to practically any non-obscene message she received, whereas I might at best reply to the one in every 30 I found passably attractive).

I'm afraid I can't agree with all this 'you sound too self-assured', 'don't look a certain way in your photos' stuff. The right man won't be put off by anything like this, if he is then he isn't the right man. I'm not prepared to make myself out to be something I'm not just to get a date with some sad act who's scared of independent women, and OP you shouldn't feel you have to either. Likewise why should you have to consider men in their 40s, I'm in my 40s and I have yet to see one man my age who didn't look at least 10 years older. I don't do OD any more but when I did, I never searched above my own age, and mostly below it, because I didn't want to end up dating someone who looks old enough to be my dad!

TroublesomeEx Sat 03-Aug-13 00:14:03

Velvet That's so true. Under 40 - they seem quite ok but once they get over 40 they all seem to adopt a particular 'look'.

ProphetOfDoom Sat 03-Aug-13 00:33:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TroublesomeEx Sat 03-Aug-13 00:36:11

Well it's generally being fat and bald. Grumpy expression. Photo taken from an unflattering angle.

WafflyVersatile Sat 03-Aug-13 00:39:27

vlevet I agree with you to an extent.

For instance I could play safer with my humour on mine but it's out there and no one reading it thinking 'she thinks she's funny but she'f not' is going to message me because who wants to spend time with someone whose humour you dislike. It maybe lowers the pool of men wanting to contact you but they would have been no good to you anyway.

OTOH. An ex of mine (met online but on on OD) I would never ever have gone out with had I met him at work. Would probably barely have spoken to him. So out of those ones dismissed for not being attractive enough there might have been someone that you would find attractive in another situation.

I've not had the 'over 40 have a look' experience. Maybe on POF, but they all seem to have a look whatever their age.

itchyandscratchy26 Sat 03-Aug-13 08:36:51

In my experience from 2004-2007 when using match and dating direct, I found that poor spelling and grammar was one of best indicators of time wasters or men after casual sex. One of the things that attracted me to DH was his ability to write a proper message with no text speak or 'lols' etc.
I used this to filter out quite a few.

maleview70 Sat 03-Aug-13 10:03:53

Bit of a generalisation here but men in their 30's when given a choice of hundred or thousands will go for the prettiest
girls who are at younger. Clearly some of these men have got no chance but we blokes all think we are gods gift and
attractive to all women!

One thing that does appeal to men is if women message them first. Amazing how a man can suddenly become interested when he knows someone is interested in him!

Do you message plenty or leave them to contact
You first?

VelvetSpoon Sat 03-Aug-13 10:47:15

It's interesting you say that re messaging men first maleview, back when I was OD-ing I sent lots of initial messages to men, barely got any replies back and those that did petered out after 2 or 3 exchanges, as the men seemed quite uninterested.

Re attractiveness, I find very few of the men who contact me attractive enough to reply to (maybe 1 in 30). Of course only a few of those result in dates - and of those dates there was only one I actually found attractive in the flesh (the others were ok, but not as good as their photos).

Fairydogmother Sat 03-Aug-13 11:13:47

I've maybe had the opposite experience to a lot of people with online dating so I'll offer my 2ps worth!

Went on match aged 30 following a marriage split and can honestly say I had a great time! I kept my profile fairly light hearted and put about 4-5 photos on - different things such as one of my riding my horse, out with friends etc. there were a couple of oddities well outside the age range I'd put on (think I said 29-39) but mainly most contacts seems fairly genuine and nice. I met one guy and went out with him for several weeks but it became clear that he didn't really want a girlfriend so we called time on it. The second guy was gorgeous but seemed to HATE my dog so that didn't go anywhere. Then I met my now fiancée and he's perfect!

He said that he liked the different photos I had up and also what I'd written because it was about my personality and what I enjoyed rather than a list of what I didn't want etc.

I realise I was extremely lucky with dating this way but I honesty did y enjoy it and found it very good for my self esteem - it was v low at the time. I can see that a prolonged period doing it would be immensely frustrating tho. OP maybe take a bit of time away from it and see how you get on?

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