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To want to complain about this nursery even though ds left two terms ago?

(29 Posts)
Stillhopingstillhere Thu 01-Aug-13 19:51:56

Ds started nursery last October (aged nearly 3 and a half). He was only going twice a week and had never been away from me before. The first session he was fine, the second he was wobbly when I left him and the third he cried the entire five hours.
At the end of the third session the SEN coordinator asked to speak with me. She spoke to me in front of my ds and said that he had no social skills, was "clueless", hadn't benefitted from staying home with me (the nursery had most children from six months old) and they would have to "scaffold" him in. I was stunned. My initial reaction was actually that ds was upset being away from me not because he had a problem with his social skills. She hinted that she thought he could be on the autistic spectrum.
I was beside myself. We persevered with the nursery until February half term, but ds never settled really. He cried before he went, he was wet when he was there despite being dry at home for over a year previously and he because quite anxious, carrying around a toy all the time. I assumed that it was just because he'd never been away from me previously. However as time went on I became concerned it was more than that. Ds started to describe himself as "pathetic" and saying that no one liked him. He said he was a stupid baby who would have to go back in the baby room because he couldn't do his zip on his coat. I removed him from nursery and he started at a preschool after Easter with only one term left before starting school this September.

He settled immediately at preschool. They had no concerns. He left with all his goals in the 40-60 months category and some sections he has completed already and is exceeding. He was dry there, he would eat (which he never would at the nursery) and he stopped carrying the toy around all the time. Since leaving nursery he now describes it as the "shouty" place. I do know of at least five other children who have had problems there too. This is an ofsted outstanding nursery by the way.

Anyway I should probably let it go shouldn't I? But I still feel angry about it. Especially being told that my three year old might be on the autistic spectrum after three sessions. It was incredibly unnecessarily worrying.

Should I still complain? And who to? I was a bit shell shocked at the time. The picture they painted of ds was nothing like the ds I know but I trusted them at the time.

Flobbadobs Thu 01-Aug-13 19:58:24

OFSTED. It doesn't matter that it was 2 terms ago, it really sounds like the nursery wrote him off very soon and the things your Ds said sound parroted to me. If he isn't the only one then it makes it even more disturbing.
Apologies but what does 'scaffold him in mean?"

Stillhopingstillhere Thu 01-Aug-13 20:00:43

They said they'd have to try and match him with children a similar age (some in his room were only 2) because he wasn't capable of making the friendships himself, that they'd have to "scaffold him in" until he learnt the social skills.
I thought that was normal for three year olds! But they made it sound like there was something terribly wrong with ds. She said "at least he has good eye contact so that's one red flag he doesn't have."

Stillhopingstillhere Thu 01-Aug-13 20:01:41

Honestly my ds is incredibly sociable, annoyingly so actually. It was simply because he wasn't used to being away from me and I think they'd shouted at him.

PoodleFlavouredFreddos Thu 01-Aug-13 20:04:33

I would! They sound awful. & I think as time is passing that is becoming more apparent if he has settled so well in the next place.

catkind Thu 01-Aug-13 20:06:33

Definitely, complain. Your poor little boy.

Stillhopingstillhere Thu 01-Aug-13 20:07:02

To ofsted? Or to the lea?

pigletmania Thu 01-Aug-13 20:07:14

Yes do complain, this nursery sounds awful, it sounds as though they were responsible for his problems, the things he as told you sound very worrying. No go to the manager and ofstead

LingDiLong Thu 01-Aug-13 20:08:03

Definitely speak to Ofsted. It sounds very concerning to me. There could be other children going through awful experiences there and if enough mums speak up something might be done about it.

Poor you, your poor DS sad Please don't just let it go.

pigletmania Thu 01-Aug-13 20:08:05

It sounds like a worker has told him those things, poor thing

Pixieonthemoor Thu 01-Aug-13 20:11:41

God it sounds awful and all the evidence you need is that he slotted beautifully into pre-school and they have no concerns. To try to identify a child as on the autistic spectrum after only three (settling in) sessions is over zealous in the extreme especially as it was his first time away from you and in that kind of situ. Outrageous. I would complain to ofsted in the strongest terms especially given that you know other children who had trouble there and this 'shouty' epithet is worrying. I would have that "outstanding" off them bloody sharp ish.

Stillhopingstillhere Thu 01-Aug-13 20:11:54

I was pretty certain someone had said those things to him, which is why I then withdrew ds. The impression I got was that basically they didn't want to bother with the children much, they wanted them to go away and play on their own.

SilkySocksSinkShips Thu 01-Aug-13 20:12:06

Sounds like the SENCO needs re-training. All of what she said to you was not appropriate. Did she have paperwork to back this up? I'm talking about observations on his interactions, tracked observations to show his preferences etc which could have showed why she thought he was on the spectrum? Because if not, that's poor practice. And if she thought that, your DS would have had an IEP (Individual Education Plan) or IBP (Individual Behaviour Plan). Do you know if he had one? Because if he did, you should have been included in that with every step they took (or should have, if they genuinely believed your DS could have autism).

Complain to OFSTED. Definitely.

milkymocha Thu 01-Aug-13 20:12:35

You should definitely complain.
Poor boy :-( glad hes doing well in his new pre-school now!

BrianTheMole Thu 01-Aug-13 20:13:58

Yes I would, to ofsted.

Flobbadobs Thu 01-Aug-13 20:14:18

When my DD started nursery she screamed every session for a week. For hours, even after an extended gradual admission. She wouldn't co-operate, wouldn't eat, wouldn't nap. Nobody even suggested SEN, just that she was struggling to adjust to her new surroundings and would be fine. And she was, with a lot of cuddles and new things to try she settled down and didn't want to leave to go to school.
What you describe sounds really very disturbing, especially what your Ds said about being 'stupid' etc. a call to OFSTED is definitely in order and if you can talk to the parents of the other children to see if they would do the same it would help.

Toni27 Thu 01-Aug-13 20:14:37

I have a son (4 yrs old) with autism, sounds like they did not give your son time to settle in at all and to suggest that he had autism just because he did not adapt immediately to nursery is so so wrong. It does sound like there were some funny goings on there and I would definetly complain, just make sure you complain to the right person or department because trust me there is a lot of arse covering in the world of nurseries and special needs coordinators, I pulled my son out of one setting and placed him in another, was incredibly worried about his treatment at the first setting, told people "in the system" and nothing was ever done about it. In fact I felt like the bad person for ever suggesting they did anything wrong, but at his next setting he absolutely flourished because he was treated wonderfully. Sounds like you have found a much better place fr your son now smile

SilkySocksSinkShips Thu 01-Aug-13 20:15:55

The last part in my paragraph means (or should have had an IEP or IBP )

BlackholesAndRevelations Thu 01-Aug-13 20:15:59

Oh my god, definitely, definitely complain. This nursery should not be allowed to operate in the way it is, destroying a very young child's self esteem like that. Your poor son. I'm glad he settled fine in the preschool.

BlackholesAndRevelations Thu 01-Aug-13 20:16:22

To ofsted

Stillhopingstillhere Thu 01-Aug-13 20:17:00

No he didn't have an iep etc.
After she said all that to me on the third session I came home and cried. Then I spoke to other people that know my ds and everyone said it sounded wrong. I rang the nursery and spoke to the senco on the phone (well she rang me back after being briefed on my wrath) and I said I thought she was over the top and she shouldn't have said what she did in front of ds and she backed right down.

When ds went to the new preschool they commented on how poor the record keeping was from his old nursery. They barely sent anything over at all. Just a tick box sheet with no observations or anything and most of what was ticked was dated after I'd given my notice to them so they'd obviously filled it in last minute.

Doubtfuldaphne Thu 01-Aug-13 20:17:38

I feel so awful for you and ds for going through this and so angry that there are places like this.
You must report to ofsted! I would love to know where In the world this is but I understand if you can't say.

Stillhopingstillhere Thu 01-Aug-13 20:19:34

It did really knock him. Each night he'd ask if it was nursery after this sleep and cry if I said yes. I should have moved him sooner, but I trusted them. I was an idiot.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 01-Aug-13 20:35:16

Oh that last post is so upsetting Stillhoping! Poor both of you! So glad you moved him but yes, do complain, I would. It's great that he is thriving at his new place though.

SunnyIntervals Thu 01-Aug-13 20:36:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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