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Married 1 year and cannot stop arguing

(75 Posts)
notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 11:49:14

Hi all, I am new to this so please bare with me.

Have been with DH for one and a half years (married 8 months after meeting) and things are getting me down.

I know getting married to someone so soon is pretty mad but, it felt so right at the time for both of us. With hindsight, not a good idea.

The problem is, I am starting to see things I didnt notice before. He is lazy (works in summer and not really at all in winter, he dosnt do much around the house, he never wants to socialize with my friends. I have the odd social cigarette, to which he goes mad. He has debt of £25000 he pays back £40 per month on. Dosnt give a shit about it really. Just says "he wishes he had taken more on the cards before they were closed". His work ethic is poor. When I have asked him in the past to do any DIY he moans. The last argument we had he said "what am I, the Fucking handy man".

I am rambling, but I think what I am trying to say is, how do I get him to listen to me when I have a moan about things instead of him telling me how wrong I am all the time. He never listens, just tells me I am wrong, and I am analyzing him, its not important to him etc..... I have 2 children from a previous relationship, 19 boy and 16 girl. He barely talks to them.

Really do want to work things out but I feel it is always his way or no way. He just cannot or will not take on board anything I say.

Any tips on how to get him to listen and reach a resolution.

Souredstoneshasasouredpebble Thu 01-Aug-13 11:50:29

Why do you want to resolve it?

Sounds like you want us to encourage you to leave

notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 12:01:40

If I could get him to compromise, I could live with our differences, but my frustration is that he never seems to see it my way and denys there is any problem. I dont really want to leave, just find a way of making things better???

noblegiraffe Thu 01-Aug-13 12:03:10

Why waste any more time on him? He doesn't seem like much of a catch. What does he do that improves your life?

notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 12:10:10

Well, when we met I was working full time, I now work part time. I was driving a Skoda, and now drive a Merc, and he likes his holidays so I have been on some nice holidays. It all seems to stem around money. I would rather he showed me respect and consideration. Maybe I expect too much??? I dont know.

Chopchopbusybusy Thu 01-Aug-13 12:13:56

How does he afford his nice holidays? Are you saying he bought you the car? I don't understand the situation at all to be honest. Your last post appears to contradict your first.

noblegiraffe Thu 01-Aug-13 12:14:01

Depends on whether you prefer his money to your self-respect, really.

notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 12:20:32

He sold a property that he had a bit of equity in. The car is his but I drive it. The holidays are paid for by some small savings he has. The debt is an old debt that he pays back monthly. He is quite generous like that !! I am beginning to think I maybe am moaning about nothing.

specialsubject Thu 01-Aug-13 12:22:58

what noblegiraffe said.

do you enjoy his company? Does he enjoy yours? Do you respect each other?

doesn't sound like it. To be brutal, are the flash car and the nice holidays worth it?

notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 12:24:24

I dont need his money. I own my own home and have always been very independent. He moved in to my house which I sometimes think he finds difficult. I am someone who prides myself on manners and respect and this is why I am struggling I think, because he maybe dosnt have the same values

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 01-Aug-13 12:24:51

Respect and consideration is expecting too much? sad No. This is basic. Of course you should expect respect and consideration, that's far more important than money. Money is a nice bonus but it shouldn't be the basis of your relationship...

PigOnStilts Thu 01-Aug-13 12:25:13

Well then... Every Man Hashis price...are you sure yours is a merc and some old debt?!

Think the fat that he doesn't try with your kids a big fat problem tbh

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 01-Aug-13 12:26:37

Yes, I think youve hit the nail there. Compatible values are the absolute base line of a relationship. Without those you will never truly work together.

whois Thu 01-Aug-13 12:28:28

Sounds like a looser. Why did you marry him? Must have some good points?

notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 12:29:26


That is my question to myself I think. I am not sure he enjoys my company, he seeem happiest when he is out the house playing golf with his friends or just out and about. He is a big drinker so the pub dosnt interest him. I, on the other hand like a drink so thats difficult. Not sure he respects me really, not sure he knows how to?? Do I respect him. Sometimes is probably the honest answer.

guiltyconscience Thu 01-Aug-13 12:33:18

It sounds like he is not a bad chap really . I wonder if he is a little confused himself over what is going wrong with the two of you, after all you must have been very in love and a whirlwind marriage at least that is what it looks like to me for ppl to marry after 8 months . As for your children well be honest is it that easy to talk to a 16 and 19 year old lol? Prapps I am wrong here but what does he feel like have you asked him what is going wrong with you both? Good luck op it's not easy I know.

fluckered Thu 01-Aug-13 12:33:38

well you just ask yourself do you love him and do you want this to work? playing devils advocate here but how do you approach him about issues you have? we know what his response is but do you think your a nag? do you pick on everything or can you see the bigger picture and pick your battles? were you living on your own for long before him?

notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 12:34:46


I think I got swept away by his initial charm and sense of fun but that has since gone. He now prefers to be with his mates on the golf course. Struggling to think of his good points really. That sounds awful, but its true. I now he would not let any harm come to us ???

Binkyridesagain Thu 01-Aug-13 12:34:57

What do you get out of this marriage that doesn't revolve around monetary things?

AncientCrone Thu 01-Aug-13 12:35:01

Whose idea was it to get married so fast?

Viviennemary Thu 01-Aug-13 12:37:43

I think you have to look inwardly to get the answer to this question and ask yourself what your expectations were and how they aren't being met. I know that sounds a bit clinical but sometimes it's the only way. And how would you like the situation to improve.

notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 12:39:07


I do love him and want it to work. When there is a problem I just say it as it is. We then start to row, its that simple. I maybe am a bit of a nag.... try not to be. And yes, I lived on my own for 13 years with my children with no help from their father financially or emotionally. Therefore it has been a massive change for all of us.

notnotnee Thu 01-Aug-13 12:43:27


I dont think he see's any problems. He just thinks its me. Tells me he loves me to bits and he really wants to make it work. He also says the same as you about the children. Not easy to talk to due to thier ages. He thinks I make everything up and there are no problems at all. He says he just wants a quiet life.

fluckered Thu 01-Aug-13 12:44:14

I was thinking that ... that you are used to life on your terms, sound very independent so it is going to be tough to gel your lives together. there is no point in asking why did you get married etc as others are doing as that is not helping ... you are married and you say you love him. so to move forward perhaps is it possible to have a sit down and not wait for an argument over something and chat. starting with of course how much you love him but give him the floor to tell his side or how he feels. you say your direct. that's a good thing but perhaps he feels he cant tell you how he feels.

maybe on a side note for yourself write down what the arguments have been about ... is it things like wont clean bathroom or pull his weight or is it more serious in your eyes. perhaps even if you both feel it would benefit seek out a couple therapy session.

HoikyPoiky Thu 01-Aug-13 12:44:19

OP I am sorry but your posts really don't make much sense and the situation seems a bit weird. I think you have to think about this properly and work out what the real issues are.

Going by what you have written it doesn't look very good sad

The loan sounds odd too. Your DH will be paying that off for the next 50 years and that's if it is a totally interest free loan.

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