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To have left them all to go and get something to eat?

(273 Posts)
DfanjoUnchained Tue 30-Jul-13 21:01:43

In short:

Dp's mother and sister come over at 3pm, still sitting around at 7.30pm but don't want to eat.

I'm starving, having a very painful and heavy period (sorry) and ds (7months) needs to eat too. I didnt have lunch either as ds teething and v difficult at the moment.

Dp was meant to cook or get food; he did neither. It got to half 7 and I couldn't wait any longer and said I needed to eat something as was feeling unwell. I asked what they all wanted to do and they said they would eat at home, fine.

I said goodbye to mil and sil and said sorry, ive really got to go, feeling unwell etc hope you dont mind, they said no go its fine. I left with ds and ate out.
When I get back they're gone and P is really angry, says my attitude was terrible and I shouldn't have 'stormed out'.

Apparent SIL feels unwelcome now confused and I need to apologise if I want any kind of friendship with her. Was I meant to sit there and starve before another night of no sleep due to teething baby and horrible period pains??

Tbh I'm so annoyed at him for not supporting me, he knew I was feeling like shit and didnt support me.

Crumbledwalnuts Sat 03-Aug-13 11:02:35

No, it's not unreasonable not to want her round. And if she does come, to disappear upstairs or go out.

Crumbledwalnuts Sat 03-Aug-13 11:00:54

"She burst into my bedroom while I was feeding ds and trying to get him to so she could nose at the room and I don't like this sort of 'overstepping void ride' behaviour. "

Yes I've had this. In through the door, not even taking the coat off, bursting in, disrupting things when you need to be all straight with the baby and get settled in preparation for an afternoon of visitors.

CalamityJ Sat 03-Aug-13 00:38:20

OP it's hard to be assertive with MIL's isn't it? I never have any trouble telling most people how I really feel except her! grin And in your case you have MH issues/social cue blindness to contend with. I'd echo other posters about putting yourself and your DS first in as least passive aggressive and more proactive way as possible. If you don't want her in your room when you go up to it say 'DS shouldn't be disturbed for the next blah because xyz so I'll see you blah'

cuntingrimmer08 Fri 02-Aug-13 22:53:03

Of course yanbu . And I think you should spend some time at your mums for tlc because you obviously don't get it at home sad

waltermittymissus Fri 02-Aug-13 22:44:13

You're not being U at all if it's not something you're comfortable with and that's the end of that! smile

DfanjoUnchained Fri 02-Aug-13 22:32:46

Thanks for replies. Good food for thought!

Emilythornesbff Fri 02-Aug-13 22:27:21

And YANBU to feel the way you do btw.

Emilythornesbff Fri 02-Aug-13 22:26:41

Ah yes.
What 2rebecca said.

2rebecca Fri 02-Aug-13 22:20:08

If she has a mental illness that means she doesn't respect normal social cues then you and your partner have to be more forceful with her about what you agree is acceptable behaviour if she visits eg she can visit but only for 2 hours then gets told she has to go so you can do x and that your husband will show her to the door. Seething because she doesn't recognise social cues is pointless. Your house, if people don't leave when expected you show them the door.
I agree visiting may be better as then you can just walk out. Her schizophrenia doesn't explain why your SIL didn't take her mother home and realise it was dinner time. Many schizophrenics do recognise social cues although often empathy can be a problem as they are so wrapped up in their own heads and their view of the world, although I presume she's not floridly psychotic at the moment.
If you don't want someone in your bedroom you ask them to leave. You need to become more quietly assertive as well if this relationship is to last and be firmer about your boundaries and what you regard as acceptable behaviour.

Pollydon Fri 02-Aug-13 22:11:05

No OP, YANBU to visit rather than be visited, not at all <voice of experience > wink

DfanjoUnchained Fri 02-Aug-13 22:09:23

You're right. For me it's not really a safety issue as my ds is always with me. It's more that I feel uncomfortable around her as she stares with a very straight face, plus she doesn't leave until hours later, by which time I'm knackered. Also I just don't like her for what she did to P as a baby/child.

Next time I think ill just go upstairs with ds when it hits 7pm.

Emilythornesbff Fri 02-Aug-13 21:47:00

Well it sounds very difficult for you.
And for your DP too.
You must do what you feel is best for your DS. But i would have thought it best if you and DP can work together.
How you handle this will depend on a few different factors, including how well controlled her PS is. She may well have some "socially awkward" traits but if her illness is well managed there is not neccessarily a safety issue.
Maybe a MH professional such as a CPN could help with some problem solving??

DfanjoUnchained Fri 02-Aug-13 21:22:23

Fairy and high horse stew was amazing grin

Emily I don't know, maybe it is. But to be honest if p won't tell her it's time to leave then ill dread her 6 hour visits! She doesn't have any normal social cues.
She has paranoid schizophrenia.
Yes, I closed the door to put ds to sleep and she burst in 5 mins after without knocking and I didnt really want her in my bedroom tbh.

ElphabaTheGreen Fri 02-Aug-13 20:58:35

Fairy and High Horse Stew, rather blush

ElphabaTheGreen Fri 02-Aug-13 20:56:27

This thread has come up with some of the most boss rejoinders ever. Sheshelob at 31/7/13 08:51 had me crying, OP's retort to Fakebook's Emergency Visitor Feeding Protocol was killer and I think Fairy and High Horse Pie needs to be reported to MN Classics.

<Applauds OP and the sane majority>

Emilythornesbff Fri 02-Aug-13 20:11:51

I dunno.
Is that a bit mean?
What mh issues?
Burst in to the room?
Not enough info fo me personally to call if YABU tbh.

DfanjoUnchained Fri 02-Aug-13 20:07:27

He has such a weird relationship it's hard to tell. She was very abusive and neglectful due to her illness when he was little but now she is the opposite so I think he has a guilt issue.

He knows I'm not comfortable with her coming around. Maybe if we made more effort to go there so she can see ds it wouldn't be as obvious, like you said Silver

waltermittymissus Fri 02-Aug-13 19:48:23

What would your 'd'p make of it?

If she can't respect you, you don't have to have her in your home. It's that simple.

SingingSilver Fri 02-Aug-13 19:07:21

Yes, of course. You might initially want to be proactive about calling and asking to go over to her for a visit, it will make you look better than if you fob her off about coming to yours.

Plus she will probably be flattered that you want to come round and see her, and your OH should be pleased about that too. No-one needs to know it's that you don't want her in your house!

Or if you don't get on that well, just make excuses. My ex MIL thought I had a constant migraine for five years...

DfanjoUnchained Fri 02-Aug-13 16:54:33

If anyone's still reading, would it be unreasonable to not want Ps mum to come to my new place? I really rather we just go to hers, that way we are in control of when we arrive and leave. Plus I just don't want her in my private space.

She burst into my bedroom while I was feeding ds and trying to get him to so she could nose at the room and I don't like this sort of 'overstepping void ride' behaviour. (She has mh issues)

DfanjoUnchained Fri 02-Aug-13 09:18:43

Thank you Piano

pianodoodle Fri 02-Aug-13 07:59:31

Coming in very late here I know but just wanted to add to the YANBU!

Haven't been on Mnet that long but sometimes it's like looking into another universe just the maddest stuff it would never occur to me to say (what's the food got to do with it?!) grin

If I was in your shoes and asked my RL friends about this they'd ALL say "fuck that how dare he/they be pissed off at you?!"

The issue of how I went about feeding myself would not come up!

Anyway - hope you do manage to make things work I hate the silent treatment attitude especially when he's in the wrong but it sounds like you're pretty clued up enough to know what you can and can't tolerate x

DfanjoUnchained Thu 01-Aug-13 22:43:42

^ grin

waltermittymissus Thu 01-Aug-13 22:34:41

What I don't get is why you just didn't pop to the shop, get some fresh pasta and some stuff to make a sauce, cook it, serve it

Er, cause she doesn't fucking have to! hmm

ArrowofApollo Thu 01-Aug-13 12:47:21

Maybe Wuldric is the OP's MIL....

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