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To change me childcare arrangements - Inlaw related.

(24 Posts)
NachoAddict Tue 30-Jul-13 20:57:52

This is going to be long...

DS3, 1 is looked after by MIL while I work, hegoes to nursery in the morning where she works then she has him in the afternoons.

Last night when we went to pick him up DS1 sat down to play his DS. SIL and her two children live with MIL. Nephew sat down to play DS with DS1, they were playing nicely for about 10 minutes.

SIL said kids get outside, its sunny out there. DP said leave them alone they are playing nice. SIL says No they can play outside, they aren't festering away all day when its nice outside. She then turns to me (dp is his step father) and says you are just a lazy parent letting him play the ds so you don't have to deal with him. He will never learn any social skills like that.

I replied that he had been in holiday club socialising all day so if he wanted to play his ds for awhile afterwards, well thats the point of buying for him, so he can. She started again calling me lazy and a rubbish parent.

I replied, well you parent your way and I will parent mine. considering I hadn't even opened my mouth about letting him stay inside or play outside (that was all dp) I think I was very restrained in my reply.

When I went to drop off ds3 with MIL (who wasn't there for the original argument) this morning she gave me a torrent of abuse and said if I want to parent my kids my way then I can do it in my own house and if I ever say anything like that again I can "take my fucking kids and fuck off" She also said that obviously I am telling DP what to say because he can't think for himself.

so would I be unreasonable to change my childcare arrangements so that I don't have to deal with either of these women again!!

selsigfach Tue 30-Jul-13 21:03:14

Oh my god. What your Mil said about her own grandchild was dreadful. I wouldn't let her anywhere near your child. I hope he didn't witness this vile outburst.

selsigfach Tue 30-Jul-13 21:04:36

What did you say in response?

Hassled Tue 30-Jul-13 21:06:35

Run for the hills childcare-wise. Even if you resolve this spat, it sounds like there will be another spat sooner or later, then another.

Do you have other options?

Joanne279 Tue 30-Jul-13 21:08:41

Oooooh don't get me started on mil's!!!!!!

Make other arrangements. How dare the SIL or mil talk to you like that!

I know it's hard, but don't be bullied into this being 'ok' just because you need the child care. Mil should have stayed neutral and left it alone, certainly not start swearing etc

I don't see an issue plsying a ds after interacting with kids all day. Sometimes they just need to chill.
Hth x

phantomnamechanger Tue 30-Jul-13 21:10:05

OMG!! sounds off her trolley - & not fit to be looking after your DC

NachoAddict Tue 30-Jul-13 21:13:46

DS3 was in the car with us so he saw it all though he is only just one so not sure he understood.

Selsigfach I said well I don't know why I am being dragged into this I hadn't opened my mouth. Which is when she replied that obviously I am telling DP what to say because he can't think for himself. By this point we had got to work so I got out of the car amd actually said Thanks for the lift as I do every morning. I think I was in shock because I wasn't expecting it!

hasseled I agree this is not the first time she has been vile to me and I didn't want to use her as childcare anyway but DP asked me to give it a go.

I have other options that I had alread researched before returning to work, knowing that sooner or later this would happen.

formicadinosaur Tue 30-Jul-13 21:17:28

How rude! Arrange alternative childcare now. Don't wait for a repeat. There are ways of saying things and if she had a point to make she could have made it in a positive constructive manner. Also if she is like this with you, what she like with the kids? And also does SIL's kids take precedence over yours. I must admit I don't like kids having lots of screen time but the is a time and place for it.

pianodoodle Tue 30-Jul-13 21:17:45

That's dreadful! Definitely do not go back. Make other arrangements what a way to speak about her grandchild!

I would not put up with being spoken to like that for a second.


DuelingFanjo Tue 30-Jul-13 21:21:18

Is ds1 her grandchild?

NachoAddict Tue 30-Jul-13 21:28:26

duellingfanjo no, DS1 and DD are not her granchildren and she doesn't provide childcare for them, they are school age and go to holiday club. DS3 is her grandchild and she looks after him, ds 1 and dd were with us when we went to pick him up.

formica I totally agree although DS1 had been at holiday club interacting with others all day and just wanted a bit of time to chill. However seeing as SIL wanted the kids to play outside I wouldn't have over ruled her. It was DP who over ruled her and I wasn't going to go against him, we try to back each other up and provide a united front to the children as much as possible. Plus I didnt want to get into an argument.

pianodoodle Tue 30-Jul-13 21:32:13

Also if I were in that situation with the SIL criticising and calling me lazy then MIL jumping in too I'd be fairly sure they'd been bitching about me for quite some time beforehand...

The way she spoke also makes me think she refers to your "fucking" kids as not part of the family (you mentioned step children) which is a horrible attitude to have.

Fecklessdizzy Tue 30-Jul-13 21:42:05

Run for the hills, they sound awful!

You're better off with a professional child minder who doesn't have some mad agenda of their own ...

LemonBreeland Tue 30-Jul-13 21:42:13

What a horrible way to speak to you, and about your DC. Definitely change your childcare. I would not trust someone with such a foul mouth to look after my child the way I wished.

I hope your dp backs you up on this too.

selsigfach Tue 30-Jul-13 21:52:37

Oh gosh, so after all that, you had to leave your little boy with her. What a compete bitch. Ditto with hoping your Dp supports you. If she treats 2 of your children so appallingly, she shouldn't get to see your ds3 (presumably the only one she cares about as he's a "proper" GC.

NachoAddict Tue 30-Jul-13 22:02:36

I imagine they have piano I wouldn't mind but I am actually a good parent and do lots with my children, just this one occassion I wasn't going to overrule DP when he had disagreed with her. She does treat them (step children) differently to the extent that I wouldn't let them go there unless I was there to make sure it was held in check.

Exactly, if thats how she is when I am there I dread to think what DS is exposed to when I am not!

DP is backing me up, he told his mum she is out of order and has agreed that we can change childcare.

I have the rest of the week off to settle DS in with the child minder that I originally wanted to use.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 03-Aug-13 12:37:51

Yanbu. Your MIL said very clearly you needed to anyway.

pianodoodle Sat 03-Aug-13 12:46:29

Glad your DP is in agreement! Hope you don't have any more nonsense from them they just sound stressful angry

cornypepper Sat 03-Aug-13 12:51:27

sounds awful
thank goodness you have other childcare to fall back on

MikeOxard Sat 03-Aug-13 13:05:52

YANBU, if I were you I would do exactly as MIL suggests and off with my **ing kids!! How rude - not someone I would want looking after my kids. How soon can you make alternative arrangements? It's a bit awkward and cheeky to take the lifts to work and childcare for the rest of the week, for example, and then say 'you were still good enough last week when I had nobody else, but now you're not'. Still, do what you have to, to avoid a second episode, just do it as soon as you can!

NachoAddict Sat 03-Aug-13 13:52:33

Thanks for the replies, my boss allowed me to have the rest of last week off, I have sorted the childminder I originally wanted to use and ds starts next week.

We have had more issues with her this weekend but that's a whole new thread. Just glad we have took the descion to not rely on her again.

LemonBreeland Sat 03-Aug-13 14:02:55

Glad you got things sorted. Your DS will be much better off at the cmer.

MikeOxard Sat 03-Aug-13 14:06:23

Well done, must be a weight off your mind. Enjoy telling MIL, haha!

NachoAddict Sat 03-Aug-13 14:06:30

thanks Lemon, I totally agree.

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