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AIBU to refuse MIL & FIL to stay in our home while we're abroad for 3 weeks?

(554 Posts)
lineup Tue 30-Jul-13 19:38:11

Just found out that MIL has asked DH if they could stay in our house while we're on hols in August & he has agreed - I've only just found out

I'm not having it - trying to get DH to phone them to say sorry it's just too short notice, another time would be best

FFS - she is very snoopy - i dont trust her one bit, so AIBU?

why would I allow her to stay here whilst I'm not here? Bloody cheeky of her to ask in the first place

NayFindus Sat 03-Aug-13 05:46:25


In laws are people.

Some people are nice.

Some people are lonely, sad and insecure because they repel people like ducks repel water with their thoughtless words and behaviour not nice.

Ignoring someone else's privacy and using them at will having no respect for their feelings is not nice.

But then if you have to be told that I can see why you wouldn't understand the op.

ChippingInHopHopHop Fri 02-Aug-13 23:49:24

(bloody laptop has a posting mind of its own!)

However - in all seriousness, the EX inlaws (nasty evil people they were) weren't welcome when we were home, let alone when we weren't.

ChippingInHopHopHop Fri 02-Aug-13 23:45:13

I'd have preferred my EX inlaws to stay when I wasn't there grin

I don't really mind who does/doesn't stay and as we used to run our business from home, we always had one of the staff stay when we were away - mainly to cat sit smile

LindyHemming Fri 02-Aug-13 23:33:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel Fri 02-Aug-13 23:27:56

Oh Curlew!! what a snoop!!!

curlew Fri 02-Aug-13 23:17:55

Right- I'm staying in my sil's house while they are on holiday. I've just opened a door in the bedroom I've never opened before and discovered a hidden en suite. Am I allowed to use it? Or is opening the door a sign of snooping.

Bogeyface Fri 02-Aug-13 22:42:08

I remember the Oz forms thread, what actually happened there? I dont think I read the outcome!

2rebecca Fri 02-Aug-13 22:25:46

What she would say to her parents is irrelevent as they may not be snoops, also if her parents had asked I presume she'd have discussed it with her husband and had several weeks to sort things out.
It's the last minute invasion of a snoop that is the problem here, not a visit from a relative per se. The personality of the relative is extremely relevent, and the amount of notice given.

Coffeenowplease Fri 02-Aug-13 22:24:11

Im so with OP. I dont even want my own parent staying im my home to be honest but then we do have quite a strained relationship which only improved when I moved 200 miles away.

If I had a MIL that when through my private financial/medical things, quite honestly she wouldnt set foot in my home again for a long time, if at all.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Fri 02-Aug-13 22:02:57

Squinkie I was just about to say exactly the same thing about the Australia emigration forms! I totally remember that thread, it was genius.

Biffensbridge69 Fri 02-Aug-13 21:57:50

We've always been careful about leaving paperwork around when the outlaws have used our house. I did leave the DH's lovehoney 'prostate massager' in the top drawer though...oops

SquinkiesRule Fri 02-Aug-13 21:54:34

If they are staying, you could plant the application forms to Emigrate to Australia like another poster on here did one time. She'd have to explain her snooping when she confronts your Dh about moving out of the country

Biffensbridge69 Fri 02-Aug-13 21:50:18

If your parents asked the same thing what would you say ?

Bogeyface Fri 02-Aug-13 09:14:44

And just how much mess to do you let your children make?!



StayAwayFromTheEdge Fri 02-Aug-13 08:13:24

Is it only me that lets guests use my bedroom so they have the luxury of the en-suite bathroom? It just seems the easiest thing to do.

And just how much mess to do you let your children make?!

Iwaswatchingthat Thu 01-Aug-13 09:16:14

bettern Exactly. grin

Betternc4this Thu 01-Aug-13 08:53:05

Twaswatchingthat I could have written your post but replace m-I-l with adult stepson - that is exactly how I felt as I said on Wed @ 16:33.

Glad someone understands it is - well - your bedroom and bed , ffs , which is the most personal place to a couple you can get really. If that's not sacred then <throws hands up in air>.

Those who think it strange imagine going into a hotel room and finding the staff members lying on top of your bed after just making it up clean from the last guest. Their heads on the pillows that yours will be on later on. I think most people are forgetting that m-I-ls and in my case adult stepson are not blood relatives and are people we have met only as adults. We don't have that physical complete comfortableness with them as you would say with a sibling or your own DC whom you have possibly shared beds or even baths with etc in your/their childhood.

ineedtogetoutmore Thu 01-Aug-13 08:47:50

Ultimately I suppose it doesn't matter whether it's your pil, parents, sibling etc its a trust and boundary issue.
Maybe your dh has different boundary issues to you.
Personally I stay at pil's house a few times a year when they are not there (they travel a lot) and live in a lovely seaside house but dh's brother won't do this as he thinks its odd. Tbh it would never even occur to me to have a snoop that's their house neither would it occur to me to tidy anything other than our own mess as we are on holiday!. We buy our own food and don't use anything of theirs ie shampoo etc and leave it as we find it plus thank you card, bottle of wine and chocolates. We also let bil and family stay at our house for a week when they came to see us when we got married. We stayed with my parents. Again it never crossed my mine they might snoop (maybe they did lol)i wolso not find it weird to let most of my family members / friends to stay here as I only have a close circle of friends but I really trust them. but I could never do a house swap holiday as it would be too much for me to trust a stranger in my home they might snoop lol.
I'm not saying you should have let her that is upto you and dh but don't think your dh deserves the bashing a few people have given him. He obviously trusts them and was happy to make that decision without consulting you assuming you felt the same. If my dh had allowed his parents to s without askingfirst.wouldn't be too upset I would just make sure itwess was was him that cleaned the house!

Did they stay in the end?

Iwaswatchingthat Thu 01-Aug-13 08:27:46

I know how it sounds, but if you knew her you would understand.

She was not babysitting or even I invited round. One minute she was walking in, the next she was virtually in my bed. She wasn't reading the story DH was. She was doing nothing, but lying there.

At that point in m life (new baby and one year old) my bedroom was the only sanctuary I had ( apart from the cot in it!!).

Not to mention it was a total 'new baby' tip with piles of sorted washing on the floor and ironing to put away on the bed. Not a hovel, but not 'come in MIL and see my room' ready.

I think at a time when they were always round I felt it was the final straw and nowhere was safe or private anymore.

She has a problem with boundaries. So yes I do think she should have waited downstairs. I would have in her house. As would my mum in mine.

MissTweed Thu 01-Aug-13 06:40:44

If it goes ahead and MIL stays I would put traps everywhere! Eg in your bedroom or any room where she has no need to go.... When you close the door for the last time put a sock on the floor behind (keep the door slightly open and stick your head/arm around to do this) when you come back you can open door slightly, stick head round and see if sock is still there. If door has been opened fully the sock will have been pushed back!! ( I used to do this when our landlord used to come round) also put traps on drawers so you know if they've been opened. Put a note in each drawer saying "if you are reading this I am fully aware that you have opened this drawer" is should panic her into not rummaging any further!!

Pitmountainpony Thu 01-Aug-13 01:05:45

Look maybe some of you on here have forgotten how your house is with young children o maybe you were the type A who kept you house clean and tidy in spite of the daily avalanche of mess kids make if they are actually at home rather than in daycare......I no longer get my home immaculate before I go away....there are piles of mess all over are fine with that but I ill very much feel obliged to DIY up before someone came in as frankly I don,t want people seeing that is currently how we live. Our business thanks. Bad enough my mum staying after I had a c section and saying I had to be up working on the house as soon as the day started.....she was unsettled by the mild chaos we have lived in since no 2 arrived......anyway I for one am knackered by the life that is two under 3 kids and frankly the last thing I want to do is deep clean for several days so someone else can enjoy my home in a state it is never in for us....nothing to do with it being a fortress.....just how we live in private is not often the same as others and some tidy freaks will be amazed by this, especially a snooping mil.
Bit like guests...some are a pleasure to have and some are a pain in the arse and make personal remarks about the state of your home.
Now if you are well mannered you have learnt not to snoop but truth is some people do not learn manners and have no sense of whatis apppriate.....I think the op knows ER own mil better than us. Do not think your lovely mil is what everyone has.....some are undeveloped and lacking any of the commonplace virtues we may prefer
they had even in the smallest degree. I like the way there is a lot of crowing about how generous and Unprotective people are of their homes on here.......maybe you are not 9 weeks pregnant with two small children and maybe your mil is not a snooping pain in the ass who is assumptiiv about her right to make herself at home in your home.
Team op all the way.......did you even need to ask op? Next time you husband pulls anything lik this gt him o clan up...he will stop doing it fast......

PomBearArmy Thu 01-Aug-13 00:54:52

Do some people think that MILs are identical creatures that roll off a MIL factory conveyor belt? Just because some people have fantastic MILs it desn't mean everyone does! I never let my EX-MIL in through the door - not once - because she was that unpleasant. When she turned up unannounced one day she got no further than the drive, and I'm still pleased about that.

OPs DH, as lovely as she says he is, was a dick for agreeing to his parents staying without checking with her first. If my ex had done that when I was in my first trimester then forget the holdiay, he'd have been sleeping in the car.

Have a nice holiday OP!

Bogeyface Thu 01-Aug-13 00:00:03

I have to admit that the stepson on the bed thing, and the MIL with her son and grandson on the bed made me hmm

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance Wed 31-Jul-13 23:55:11

Euphemia Lennox on page 16. Yes. Very yes. Exactly that.

ShadowMeltingInTheSun Wed 31-Jul-13 22:41:03

I'm with the OP on this one. If DH told me, just before our holiday, that he'd agreed to let someone stay in our house while we were away, I'd be very very cross. Regardless of whether they were his parents, my parents or anyone else, and regardless of how snoopy they were.

IMO it's the sort of thing that both partners have to be happy with, and discussed well in advance. And even if the guests aren't snoopy and don't have ridiculously high housekeeping standards, I'd guess most people would want to make sure that the house was cleaned and prepared to their own standards before the guests arrived. A day or two's notice, on top of holiday preparation, doesn't give much time for that (Although maybe I'm unusual in not routinely cleaning the house from top to toe before going on holiday?).

Also, given the OP doesn't live in a touristy area, and lives quite a way from the OP, I don't quite get why the PILs would especially want to visit when the OP's family are away? Surely it's more normal to arrange visits to family members homes for when they're there, so that you get to actually see the family members who live there?

My PILs live in a pretty touristy region, a couple of hours drive from us, and we have often visited them in order to take advantage of the free accomodation - but we almost always visit when they're around so that we get to see them as well as the touristy stuff. It would seem kind of daft and pointless to go all the way to their house and then not see them because we've deliberately gone to stay when they're on holiday.

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