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AIBU?

to ask that my childs father acts like a dad

20 replies

deedee81 · 30/07/2013 17:47

Hello, I am looking for advice about the current visitation agreement set up for my daughter and her father. I have taken him to mediation after the first 6 months of her life he would only spend 10-20 minutes per visit with her so I wanted to set up regular sessions and put in place a check list so to speak for him to do at these visitations like change a nappy, help with food and water and meet each visit as well as stay the duration. my daughter is now 11 months old and he is still failing to meet any of these targets with only 3 nappy changes and he regularly cancels. the visitations have for a couple of months been shortened to every other weekend being that cancelations are so often. he refuses to go back to mediations purely because he knows he has not met any of the targets set and doesn't seem to think there is a problem in what he is doing. my daughter has no kind of bond with him and is uncomfortable around him when he shows up due to the lack of consistency. I am at a lose as what to do next and though I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father I don't want it to be filled with inconsistency and disappointment as I feel this will do more damage then not seeing him at all. I have a brother who's father acted much the same and seen what affect it can have on a child and later on in life when they are an adult. he is not on the birth certificate and I don't not wish for him to be until he shows more reliability as a father. what should be my next step to get him to take his parental role more seriously?

OP posts:

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HebeJeeby · 30/07/2013 19:36

Hi, have you thought about seeing if he would attend one of these courses. I know it says it's court ordered but I"m sure you can volunteer to go on one.

www.separatedparentsinformationprogramme.com/

Have you asked him to explain why he thinks his level of parenting is adequate, why he thinks it is ok for one parent to opt out. I'm afraid you can take a horse to water...... Maybe you need to cut your losses now for your daughter's sake to avoid the disappointment you can see coming in the future. Who knows he may want to see her more often if you tell him he can't. No real help I"m afraid.

OfficerMeow · 30/07/2013 19:55

He needs to be on the birth certificate this is not something that is earned.

jacks365 · 30/07/2013 20:00

You can't make him I'm sorry. You can encourage but he doesn't have to bother, if he doesn't want to be a dad nothing you can do will make him step up to the mark.

SirBoobAlot · 30/07/2013 20:00

You can't. If he's not going to act like a father, you can't make him.

EagleRiderDirk · 30/07/2013 20:06

YANBU to ask, YABU if you expect he will though unless he wants to.

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/07/2013 20:11

He needs to be on the birth certificate this is not something that is earned

No he does not. It is entirely the ops right to have left him off it if she she's fit to do so. It is also entirely his right to attempt to obtain a court order to add himself and take it out of her hands but in the absence of a court order legally its her call.

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/07/2013 20:12

She sees fit

deedee81 · 30/07/2013 20:45

i think the parenting classes will have to be my next step. I have asked him and he just tells me he is a great daddy, being that he sees his other child thou again as and when he feels like it as well as telling the other child that he cant have them over night any more because he needs a social life! I feel he is a bit self deluded on this one.
I really don't want to stop my child from having a relationship with her father but i also don't want her hurt in anyway, so i am very torn on this one.

OP posts:

deedee81 · 30/07/2013 20:50

He is not on the birth certificate at this present time because my child has had numerous medical issues that he has in no way shown any concern, care or other towards. so i don't feel a man that has not shown or provided any care to a child that has been unwell should have any say in her medical treatments. correct me if im wrong but i don't think anyone would want someone whom has no interest in them or their care would want them having control over their treatments!

OP posts:

YoniBottsBumgina · 30/07/2013 21:01

In my opinion, leave it down to him. Why should he have everyone running around after him? If he wants a relationship with her then he should be the one stepping up. Children aren't toys that you can pick up and put away when something more interesting comes along.

She deserves a father who cares enough about her that he will pursue it for himself, someone who is interested enough to seek contact (not be told to increase it) and who cares enough about her to attend to her needs, not just the fun parts.

If he's not going to do any of these things, don't enable him and put him on a shining pedestal for her. If by his own lack of action she grows up seeing him as a vague background figure then so be it. It's healthier that way than her having some warped view of him as a great dad that he will later shatter when she gets to the age to start relying on him genuinely, rather than a version of him which you are puppeting and enabling.

It's not preventing him from seeing his child if you just stop doing all the work for him. Preventing is avoiding his calls, getting a court order to block contact or refusing all requests. I'm not saying you should do any of those things - just let him take responsibility for seeing her himself.

YoniBottsBumgina · 30/07/2013 21:03

Although as the main carer I do think you should get the final say on whether you think she's ready to move on tovlonger visits as and when he requests them. And to build up the tome gradually.

Viviennemary · 30/07/2013 21:12

It is a poor show if he cancels so often. I don't think I would stress too much about the feeding and nappy changes. Children can have a good bond with fathers who don't do a lot of this. That's my opinion and not to say fathers shouldn't but in such a short visit I don't see how it helps to make a big issue of these things when there are other issues to be tackled.

He should be visiting at least once a week in my opinion. And if it was me I'd concentrate on this once a week and being reliable and not letting you and his daughter down.

deedee81 · 30/07/2013 21:31

i have only asked for the nappy changes and for him to provide her with basic care so that i know that if and when he eventually has her one on one then he can meet her needs and that she is comfortable with him doing so. i don't feel that this should be to much to ask for being that i need to know he will be able to take proper care of her. thought he has never helped with her food or water nor does he change her nappies i don't make an issue of it until he asks for one on one access which he only wants to basically parade her off for his friends and family whom none of which (thou been offered) has shown an interest in meeting her, not even for her first birthday party that is coming up. i just dont know what more to say. i have written letters and been through friends court cases whom have fought to have access to see their children and taken years in some cases and it just angers me in a way that he has the chance to have a fantastic relationship with her yet shows very little to no interest. Its so frustrating.

OP posts:

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/07/2013 21:43

Hahahahaha perfectly good relationship with fathers who don't?

Is that if they don't starve first.

Viviennemary · 30/07/2013 21:56

Sorry. That sounded awful. . But I meant in the short visits.

YoniBottsBumgina · 30/07/2013 22:15

I agree though, he does need to demonstrate he's capable and willing to do these things. It's not fair to find out by sending the child off for 6 hours and having them come back starving and in a dirty nappy.

He's the one who hasn't been around, hence, the onus is on him to prove he can do it, IMO. It's different if they are there from the start.

YoniBottsBumgina · 30/07/2013 22:17

With little babies too, contact needs to be short but frequent. Every other weekend is far too long for an 11 month old to build a meaningful relationship. It should be about 3x a week for the first year.

IneedAsockamnesty · 30/07/2013 22:17

Oh dear I thought you meant like ever. Silly me.

rabbitlady · 30/07/2013 22:25

i'm still waiting for my daughter's father to act like a dad - she's 31, married and with a baby of her own.

advice:
a. grow a pair
b. tell him to get lost
c. stop waiting, it isn't going to happen.

itsaruddygame · 31/07/2013 10:04

Rabbit lady is right. He isn't going to change, why on earth inflict him on your daughter. It would be less damaging to her not to see him at all than to have an unwilling and disinterested parent foisted upon her. Move on and forget him ... you may meet another partner and your DD may end up with a fantastic Step DF like I did or if not she will be just fine without!!

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