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AIBU to look at dp in a completely different light after he said this?

(127 Posts)
stripeyspots Tue 30-Jul-13 16:50:05

First of all just to say that dp comes from a small town where the population are predominantly white, I'm from a diverse and multicultural city.

Dp is one of the most laid back, placid people you could meet, never really has a bad word to say about anyone and has never been racist in front of me.

Recently came back from a beach holiday abroad with dp.

While we were there we briefly met this guy who was there with his young daughter, he happened to be black.

One day dp and I were lounging around by the pool, this guy was sitting over at the other side reading a book while his daughter played.

Dp went to say something to me and then stopped, he said he wasn't going to say it as I'd think he was stupid. Of course I was like 'no go on you have to say it now'.

He turned round and said 'well, see that black man over there sitting in the shade reading his book, well if you were black, woud you really come to a place like this?'

I almost burst out laughing and asked what on earth that was supposed to mean. And he went on to say 'well he already has a tan, if he just wants to relax would he really come to a place like this'.

I was astonished, I of course pointed out that the guy was doing exactly what everyone else was doing, come on holiday and that (a) I wasn't there to get a tan either and (b) black people can still sunbathe and get a tan if they want to and (c) the guy can come on holiday exactly where he pleases for whatever reason he chooses whether it be he wants to relax by the pool, swim in the sea, taste the local cuisine and that it was a completely bizarre thought to even have.

Dp agreed he was being daft and no more was said about it.

But I keep thinking about what he said.

I have told a few people two being my dad and bil who can both be a little bigotted at times and even they couldn't get there breath when I told them and just think he's thick as two short planks.

But it reminded me of another comment dp made about a year ago which I thought was strange.

One of our neighbours is black, I'll call him Bob, it doesn't really even enter my head which neighbours are black, white I just don't see it iyswim. But one day dp was looking out of the window and said 'look Bobs going jogging'. I got up to look purely because dp had mentioned it and Bob isn't really the jogging type, and dp burst out laughing and said 'ha ha it's not really Bob it's just another coloured man'. He thought it was hilarious. Firstly I said I just don't get the joke, so you see a black guy and pretend it's Bob?? And also people haven't really used the term 'coloured' since the 80s and it's not something people really like to be referred to as.

Dp said he didn't realise and just thought he was messing around. His jokes are terrible at the best of times.

But seriously? Am I in a relationship with a racist or just a daft idiot who has lived a bit of an enclosed existence?

AnnaFiveTowns Thu 01-Aug-13 09:21:16

I don't think he sounds thick or racist. Just clumsy. He does sound a bit Aspergers. But if you love him and you're happy, so what?

stripeyspots Thu 01-Aug-13 07:26:18

I don't think he was staring, not that I noticed.

Do is such a worrier, unless it's just me picking. For example two things I noticed last night.

Dp is going out Saturday night say at 7. I said can he come with me to take ds and my nephew for a pizza at lunchtime for nephews birthday and he started flapping saying he might not have time as he have to get ready? Dp is the quick shower and throw clothes on without even ironing them type. I explained that we'd only be a couple of hours ans be back by two, plenty of time to go out at 7! He's ok about it now but I know Saturday hell be panicking.

Other thing, bil offered to do something for us. It's not a big thing and won't put bil out at all, but bil will need to know when to know if he can.

Dp rang bil last night as we'd decided what date would be good, we needed to know as if bot we can make other arrangements. Dp then had the most awkward conversation with bil and ended up being very vague on dates so it's tended up back to square one really where nobody really knows what they're doing!

whitesugar Thu 01-Aug-13 01:47:11

I am so sorry for saying this but this thread has made me laugh so much. I suppose everyone is different and that's what makes the world go around. He sounds like he has a lot of good points and so long as you love him that's all that matters. He probably thinks it's really weird that some people can't fix things.

Where I live lots of people basically speak English with no concern about tenses and make up words like instead of saying I drove they say I driv, they say I was learned instead of I was taught.

I hope I haven't offended you by laughing, it really was in a tender way and not malicious.

Gruntfuttock Wed 31-Jul-13 20:19:15

How the hell can a grown man actually think he can get flu because he hasn't had his hair cut? That goes way beyond ignorance into total stupidity.

BananaramaLlama Wed 31-Jul-13 19:55:39

I wouldn't find calling a blanket a rug that weird.... I'm Scottish, is that the difference on that one?

funkky Wed 31-Jul-13 19:27:32

I think it's being deliberately ignorant your dp's comments. It's also nice to consider people's feelings as I hope ur p wasn't staring rudely at the man and daughter on holiday. I say this cause I have been on holidays and very uncomfortable being stared at by 'lovely but ignorant people'

Btw, I never saw a white person till I was 25 years old, I am now 32 but don't ask silly questions, I just use my brain to deduce things.......,

LyraSilvertongue Wed 31-Jul-13 19:18:58

What you said about restaurants isn't daft at all. If the people who know the type of food best go there then it's prob good. Like when you're abroad, people say eat where the locals eat if you want good, authentic food.

PeriodFeatures Wed 31-Jul-13 18:42:13

lizza Aspergers doesn't exist anymore apparently! It got taken out of the DSM earlier this year.

Yeah strpey He sounds anxious. And lovely still...:D

stripeyspots Wed 31-Jul-13 18:16:07

I keep typing do instead of dp as auto correct on phone

stripeyspots Wed 31-Jul-13 18:15:05

Yes honestly he really did, when I pulled him up on it he admitted it was crazy but he thought it was less hygienic, don't know how I manage with my long hair.

stripeyspots Wed 31-Jul-13 18:13:28

Sorry its turned into an analyse do thread!

Asoergers or on the autistic spectrum has crossed my mind but I'm in no position to think that really.

He is definitely anxious and I suppose I haven't considered how consuming that can be, at the same time dp will work up a sweat about taking something back to the shop, he wakes up at night worrying his vans being broken into, yet he's oblivious to things like locking the car doors especially when we're in a bad area or stuck in traffic, he's the type that would leave the door unlocked. isn't concerned walking in a high crime area at night.

I suppose I was daft to say I don't notice colour/race, of course I'm aware, and I am a people watcher too. But I don't think it would occur to me to wonder why somebody is doing x or y because of it.

Or maybe it would actually, if I'm going for a curry I usually think such and such a place is good and a lot of Asian families go so it must be good, is that as daft as what do said? blush

Lizzabadger Wed 31-Jul-13 18:08:18

I also think he sounds a bit Asperger-y but not malicious or racist or anything.

happygirl87 Wed 31-Jul-13 18:03:05

sorry, stripey

happygirl87 Wed 31-Jul-13 18:02:50

I know this is not the point, but stripy please please please explain- he thought he had flu because he hadn't had his hair cut?!

LyraSilvertongue Wed 31-Jul-13 17:57:31

I notice colour. But then I'm a people observer and notice a lot of things.

PeriodFeatures Wed 31-Jul-13 17:54:26

He hates any social event, has no interest in getting to know anyone, he can actually be a bit unintentionally rude to people. He's not emotional at all, in all the years we've been together I've never seen him cry or get emotional about anything. Sometimes I get frustrated because he feels a bit of an empty vessel, no interest in politics, no strong opinions on anything. Worries about everything

He sounds like an anxious person. Lovely but a bit anxious. Anxiety can have the effect of 'freezing' people emotionally and intellectually. Anxiety take so much energy it can be impossible to think properly. Some people have it for years and years.

Re the race thing, I don't think it's anything to worry about. I was brought up in an area of the UK where there are no people of any other background other than white anywhere. I went for coffee with a friend one day who literally burst out laughing when a bloke walked past. He said Oh my god..Look how 'Black' he is!! I kind of mulled this comment over and over and and I think he just basically was surprised and a coming from a bit of a backwater didn't know how to respond.

DiseasesOfTheSheep Wed 31-Jul-13 17:54:22

That said, I do have strong opinions on nearly everything, so I'm not quite as odd as your dp grin

DiseasesOfTheSheep Wed 31-Jul-13 17:53:05

He calls a blanket a rug, I find that one a little weird

That's an Enid Blyton-ism... Or rather, it presumably was an acceptable term for a blanket in a certain segment of society back then, since the kids in her stories were always taking "rugs" camping.

I used to want to take actual floor rugs camping as a child since I misunderstood this. Then when it was pointed out it meant blankets, I used to refer to them as rugs too - annoyed the fuck out of my mother, I can tell you grin

I can also understand the logic of calling the base of a cot the "floor". In my head, it's definitely the floor of the cot, and I could well shorten that to refer to it just as the floor...

I also notice colour, outward signs of religion etc, like your dp. It may be because I grew up in a less multicultural area, or it may be because I'm crap at recognising people, so I have to take in something wink I don't think it's a sign of anything too concerning!

chocoluvva Wed 31-Jul-13 17:48:02


Betternc4this Wed 31-Jul-13 17:20:20

I tend to think not out and out racist but not very pc it has to be said.

The first suntan comment I would lean towards ignorance and thinking everyones main reason for a holiday in the sun is the white mans/womans obsession with getting a tan.

The second comment would worry me slightly more tbh as it has a bit of 'they all look the same' kind of suggestion to it.

stripeyspots Wed 31-Jul-13 17:12:36

Off the topic of the initial subject, I also don't think thick and dim are particularly helpful. But I'm I can be a bit 'thick' myself. And do worn be seeing the thread as I've n/c.

Do is educated to A level but vocationally. He is skilled in his trade and is brilliant at anything practical he can just about fix anything, navigate his way around anywhere.

I guess to me there's just something about my do which I can't quite put ny finger on.

He hates any social event, has no interest in getting to know anyone, he can actually be a bit unintentionally rude to people. He's not emotional at all, in all the years we've been together I've never seen him cry or get emotional about anything. Sometimes I get frustrated because he feels a bit of an empty vessel, no interest in politics, no strong opinions on anything. Worries about everything,

Pendeen Wed 31-Jul-13 16:26:07

What sort of education has your DP achieved OP?

Some people have said he must be dim, thick or poorly educated.

I don't think he is, it sound to me like something quite different is going on but what do you say?

Like others here ,I am from a very 'un-diverse' part of the UK and have never met a black person. I believe this is not as uncommon a situation as many assume.

TheCraicDealer Wed 31-Jul-13 16:13:41

Like Glastocat, I'm from NI. In my year group at school there was one girl of Chinese descent, and a fella whose dad was Brazilian. That was about as diverse as it got! 99.15% of our population is white.

Conversely DP grew up in the midlands in a town which has a high proportion of asian residents. I would admit that I notice people of different races more quickly than him, simply because I'm not used to seeing people of a different skin colour in "real life". It wouldn't make me treat them any differently though, and I would try to keep my musings on their choice of holiday destination to myself. It's just another part of the fabric of someone's identity.

Your DP sounds a bit tactless and sheltered; it doesn't seem like there's any genuine malice behind it.

WafflyVersatile Wed 31-Jul-13 16:03:46

Just sounds like it is something that he hasn't had much experience of, has never given much thought to, has never needed to, just isn't that important to him until a thought pops into his head.

There is a thread here just now about 'only just realised'. We all have these things. Perhaps your DP is just a bit like Joey from friends. Knows a lot about one thing and other stuff barely registers.

Scruffey Wed 31-Jul-13 15:55:48

I think your dh just sounds thick. Doesn't really sound racist to me, just a defective thought process going on!

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