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AIBU to look at dp in a completely different light after he said this?

(127 Posts)
stripeyspots Tue 30-Jul-13 16:50:05

First of all just to say that dp comes from a small town where the population are predominantly white, I'm from a diverse and multicultural city.

Dp is one of the most laid back, placid people you could meet, never really has a bad word to say about anyone and has never been racist in front of me.

Recently came back from a beach holiday abroad with dp.

While we were there we briefly met this guy who was there with his young daughter, he happened to be black.

One day dp and I were lounging around by the pool, this guy was sitting over at the other side reading a book while his daughter played.

Dp went to say something to me and then stopped, he said he wasn't going to say it as I'd think he was stupid. Of course I was like 'no go on you have to say it now'.

He turned round and said 'well, see that black man over there sitting in the shade reading his book, well if you were black, woud you really come to a place like this?'

I almost burst out laughing and asked what on earth that was supposed to mean. And he went on to say 'well he already has a tan, if he just wants to relax would he really come to a place like this'.

I was astonished, I of course pointed out that the guy was doing exactly what everyone else was doing, come on holiday and that (a) I wasn't there to get a tan either and (b) black people can still sunbathe and get a tan if they want to and (c) the guy can come on holiday exactly where he pleases for whatever reason he chooses whether it be he wants to relax by the pool, swim in the sea, taste the local cuisine and that it was a completely bizarre thought to even have.

Dp agreed he was being daft and no more was said about it.

But I keep thinking about what he said.

I have told a few people two being my dad and bil who can both be a little bigotted at times and even they couldn't get there breath when I told them and just think he's thick as two short planks.

But it reminded me of another comment dp made about a year ago which I thought was strange.

One of our neighbours is black, I'll call him Bob, it doesn't really even enter my head which neighbours are black, white I just don't see it iyswim. But one day dp was looking out of the window and said 'look Bobs going jogging'. I got up to look purely because dp had mentioned it and Bob isn't really the jogging type, and dp burst out laughing and said 'ha ha it's not really Bob it's just another coloured man'. He thought it was hilarious. Firstly I said I just don't get the joke, so you see a black guy and pretend it's Bob?? And also people haven't really used the term 'coloured' since the 80s and it's not something people really like to be referred to as.

Dp said he didn't realise and just thought he was messing around. His jokes are terrible at the best of times.

But seriously? Am I in a relationship with a racist or just a daft idiot who has lived a bit of an enclosed existence?

WorraLiberty Tue 30-Jul-13 16:53:42

He's not bigoted or racist imo

Just bloody dim! grin

I'm white and I have a sun allergy. When I go abroad I sit in the shade...and still have a thoroughly good time.

As for the Bob thing, that's just a little weird but he does sound as though he has a weird sense of humour?

LaurieFairyCake Tue 30-Jul-13 16:55:24

I wouldn't want to be married to a thicko

Does he have a kind nature? Or a ten inch tongue?

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Tue 30-Jul-13 16:56:59

You're in a relationship with daft idiot.


Was just a dim comment. Don't give it any more thought!!

OwlinaTree Tue 30-Jul-13 16:57:59

I think just a bit daft. He lacks this particular life experience that you have had.

He said in the first eg he was being daft. 2nd eg is a bit strange. Do you think he did think it was Bob and was to embarrassed to admit it?

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 30-Jul-13 16:59:59

I think my 5 yr old is brighter than your DH.

Sorry. It's kind of incredible.

Feminine Tue 30-Jul-13 17:00:44

His comments indicate he has led a really sheltered life...

Nothing serious.

Feminine Tue 30-Jul-13 17:02:09

I don't think he sounds "dim" though confused

It is what happens to folk when they are not exposed to much!

WorraLiberty Tue 30-Jul-13 17:02:42

Am I in a relationship with a racist or just a daft idiot who has lived a bit of an enclosed existence?

On a serious note...

You should absolutely know the answer to your question, unless you've only recently met this guy?

WorraLiberty Tue 30-Jul-13 17:04:04

'Thicko' is unkind but I do think it's a teensy bit dim to assume the only reason anyone goes abroad is to top up their sun tan grin

TantrumsAndBalloons Tue 30-Jul-13 17:04:08

I think he is just a bit....unaware, shall we say?

It doesn't sound as if he was being nasty, just a little bit daft.

parakeet Tue 30-Jul-13 17:04:41

I really don't think your husband is racist. I'm sure you would know yourself if he truly was.

I grew up in a small town in the 70s and therefore met very few people who were not white until I was 18. It does make less multicultural in attitude and outlook in all sorts of ways.

Just one reason why I love living in London today.

Thisisaeuphemism Tue 30-Jul-13 17:05:37

Are you married to Steptoe?

stripeyspots Tue 30-Jul-13 17:06:39

He's not some rowdy loud mouth who would ever say these things to anyone else. I wouldn't say that he was unkind.

He just has the strangest thought processes. One of the things he says a lot is everything on the floor. So if something is on the table it's on the floor.

I discovered he did this when ds was a baby and dp went to check on him asleep in his cot. Dp came back in and said oh he's fine he's just on the floor. I was like wtf he's on the floor? But he meant the floor of the cot i.e. the mattress. But to him everything is the floor.

I'd love to get inside his thoughts sometimes and understand them.

sparkle12mar08 Tue 30-Jul-13 17:08:36

Okay either he has a speech processing disorder or yes, he's just a bit dim...

WorraLiberty Tue 30-Jul-13 17:10:01

Then why are you asking us if he's racist, if you know he has a weird thought process?

Parmarella Tue 30-Jul-13 17:11:33

Dim, not racist

Feminine Tue 30-Jul-13 17:12:26

The weird thought process would explain his comments then op


He sees things a bit differently.

chocoluvva Tue 30-Jul-13 17:12:35

DS (14) asked me the other day if people with black skin get sunburnt!

Beastofburden Tue 30-Jul-13 17:15:08

I think to be racist you have to automatically think less of someone because of their race. Does he? Would he react badly if DS had a black partner?

Is he generally tactless? Does he make sexist or anti-gay jokes/ comments?

invicta Tue 30-Jul-13 17:15:20

Alot of people use the term 'coloured' without realising its non-pc, or out of habit. They are not being racist, just ignorant. I think if there was no maliciousness behind it, then don't worry.

WorraLiberty Tue 30-Jul-13 17:15:20

Which is a very intelligent question chocoluvva

shinytoe Tue 30-Jul-13 17:16:24

Nah, your husband was just being a bit ignorant.

It's like when people get surprised that dark-skinned people tan, or are happy when they tan. The only reference that is usually in the media about Indians and tanning, for example, usually then uses Aishwayra Rai as an ideal and goes on and on about skin-lightening products, suggesting that all naturally dark-skinned people should avoid the sun because in some Asian cultures, lighter skin is seen as desirable. This fashion doesn't necessarily transfer to all darker-skinner people and lots will still want to sunbathe for a variety of reasons!

MrsRajeshKoothrappali Tue 30-Jul-13 17:17:45

The calling a table/cot the floor would worry me more.


Cherriesarelovely Tue 30-Jul-13 17:18:21

Not that bad, honestly! Loads of people express surprise that my Dp sits out in the sun and gets even browner than she already is. I was once having my nails done in a beauty place and some guys came in to use the sun beds. They were all mates and one of them was black, his friends were all ribbing him in a lighthearted way about wanting a sunbed when he already had a great colour, he was laughing about it too but said he wanted to go darker!

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