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Does a 'save the date' for the whole day mean you should be invited to the whole the wedding day?

(105 Posts)
TallulahBetty Tue 30-Jul-13 15:36:40

A year ago, we (me, DH and DD) received a 'save the date' for a wedding this September. It specifies for the whole day. Today, we received a wedding invite for all 3 of us, but only for the evening. Is this normal practice? I'm a bit miffed to be honest, but if this is normal I'm happy to very told I'm BU.

(Background - this is a girl I lived with at uni, and her boyfriend from uni. They came to our wedding 3 years ago - the whole day. I know that doesn't mean we SHOULD have a whole day invite, but we did save the whole day as she said we should. The evening do starts when DD goes to bed, so she can't go. And we live 3 hours away, so it would mean a 6-hour round trip for a few hours in the evening. We don't really want to stay over just felt an evening do. Other people we lived with have been invited all day.)

AIBU to be a bit miffed? Or is this normal and 'save the date' specifying the whole day doesn't always mean that?!

TallulahBetty Tue 30-Jul-13 15:37:39

Sorry for the typos - on phone!

farrowandbawl Tue 30-Jul-13 15:38:15

Yay! Another wedding one with a Save The Date.

If the card stated for the whole day and the ivite then says just the evening then you are right to be miffed.

farrowandbawl Tue 30-Jul-13 15:38:27


Bowlersarm Tue 30-Jul-13 15:39:04

I would be miffed.

However, from recent threads on here I don't think anyone should expect anything anymore!

'Save the date' seems to be creating a whole new load of etiquette questions.

TallulahBetty Tue 30-Jul-13 15:39:23

Sorry, have we been overrun with wedding threads recently wink it is wedding season after all grin

frissonpink Tue 30-Jul-13 15:40:08

I'd probably be a little miffed on the grounds that you invited them to your whole day.

But it is their day and you don't know the reasonings behind their day/evening invites etc.

If you'd have been invited to the day, who's to say your dd would have been invited anyways?! I'm having a child free wedding. Your friend might be doing the same. So saying, your DD can't go just because you've only been invited to the evening is a little hmm

Either get a babysitter, go and enjoy yourself, or send a 'no thank you' rsvp.

Really not worth losing sleep over!

SantanaLopez Tue 30-Jul-13 15:40:21

I'd be miffed too.

Coconutty Tue 30-Jul-13 15:42:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TallulahBetty Tue 30-Jul-13 15:42:15

I'm not losing sleep, I'm going to graciously decline and send a cheque, as they've asked for. money, and a note explaining. I don't think I'm being U by being disappointed tho, surely?! I know it's her day and I myself had a child-free wedding. But I didn't tell people to save the whole day for them and their kids smile

picnicbasketcase Tue 30-Jul-13 15:43:08

People should just send a bloody invite telling people which bit they're invited to, these Save the Date cards are a minefield.

expatinscotland Tue 30-Jul-13 15:43:54

Decline. Don't buy a gift, either. Just send a card.

georgedawes Tue 30-Jul-13 15:43:56

Very rude

expatinscotland Tue 30-Jul-13 15:45:46

Why the are you sending them money? They are 'asking' you for money for a poxy evening do that would cost you a fortune to attend for a sausage roll and a glass of wine? Send them a card and a bottle of bubbly .

Send them a cheque, my arse!

Ragwort Tue 30-Jul-13 15:45:48

Very rude, and why send a cheque? Surely a card and your good wishes is enough?

Bowlersarm Tue 30-Jul-13 15:46:40 would be frustrating had you excitedly written the wedding day in your diary when you received the 'save the date', and turned down some really lovely other invitations for that date in the meantime. That would change the situation from mildly annoying to extremely annoying.....

expatinscotland Tue 30-Jul-13 15:47:06

It's no one's 'day'. No one owns a day. Your friend is a bit of a one, particularly the note explaining why they want money. Shit, so does everyone.

LazyMonkeyButler Tue 30-Jul-13 15:47:16

I've never come across a "save the date" in RL thank god.

Yes, I probably would be a bit miffed - but more so that the other friends you both lived with have been invited to the whole day and not you. That would bother me more, unless you & the bride/groom were never that close to start with.

It could well be that Great Aunt Aggie has insisted on having her hairdresser's-dogwalker's-niece & 12 DC invited to the whole day and numbers have had to be 'tweaked'.

I really wouldn't go to just an evening do that involved a 6 hour round trip though TBH.

CaptainSweatPants Tue 30-Jul-13 15:48:49

Oh yes I've got a save the date card for next summer

No where on it does it say which bit I'm being invited to but it's a work colleague so I'm assuming just the evening

She's given one to everyone in the office

What if someone leaves! Very odd

orangepudding Tue 30-Jul-13 15:49:05

Don't send money if you can't go. If they were really good friends and you had been invited for whole day perhaps but not for an evening invite.

Helltotheno Tue 30-Jul-13 15:50:44

Absolutely no to money!! A refusal accompanied by a card is more than enough....

Viviennemary Tue 30-Jul-13 15:50:52

I would have thought the same as you, but from the threads on here that's no longer the case. I wouldn't do a 6 hour round trip for an evening invitation. And asking for money in an invitation is cheeky anyway. And asking for money from evening guests is a downright abomination.

meditrina Tue 30-Jul-13 15:51:45

I think the best thing to do is write a friendly, generous letter, saying that you had indeed saved the day and had hoped very much to be there. But because of DD's bedtime, you would never have both been able to make an evening of it. So with great regret, it's not going to make sense to come just for the evening. But you really do wish them well (here's the cheque etc). Then other friendly news if you have any.

This is on the assumption that you do wish them well, and want to continue on a friendly footing.

"Save the day/date" cards are a fairly new thing, and I think the scope for misunderstanding is pretty high. Then again, only inviting people to some bits is new too and tends to lead to disharmony rather than adding joy.

expatinscotland Tue 30-Jul-13 15:53:23

Here's the cheque? Asking for money for an evening do is tacky beyond belief!

Can't come, here's a card, perhaps a bottle of wine if you are feeling generous but handing over money for an event you can't attend? Stuff that.

TallulahBetty Tue 30-Jul-13 15:53:44

Hmm ok, re-thinking the cheque now. I guess I was hoping to show that there's no hard feelings, although actually why am I bothering?! And yes, the fact that others we lived with are invited to the whole day has made me angry too. I can only assume therefore it's because we're the only ones with a child. Again, I get that - if she wants a child-free day, so be it. But she's obviously changed her mind from a year ago...

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