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To Not Be Sure About Having A Second Child?

(50 Posts)
JRsandCoffee Tue 30-Jul-13 14:08:43

OK, briefly, DD is coming up to 9 months old. She has been an absolute angel on the whole, yes she has her moments but they all do, generally speaking she is calm, delightful, sweet, sunny, funny and I adore her, she has even (thus far, crosses fingers) slept (bar the odd blip) beautifully since she quietly stopped night feeding at about four months old. I AM RUINED, and I know it, really I do.

Now, everyone around me is broody as heck and I'm just not. I adore my girl, I love every second with her but I'm just not chomping at the bit to do it all again! Any child even if I conceived tomorrow would be born when I'm over 40 so the clock is ticking but I just can't seem to want to go for it. DD was prem and given that she took a while to come along I don't want to overshadow her toddler years in pursuit of a sibling and then if we did have another fear having another premie or a very stressful and not so calm baby and end up being frazzled with them both. I also feel that with one there is much that we could afford to do in terms of activities and hobbies etc that we took for granted as kids that now seem to cost proportionately more and therefore might not be on the cards for two. Might seem an odd thing to say but if like her to have the chance to do things I loved as a child. I also was never close to my brother so don't buy the whole it's nice to have a sibling line, there are cousins, family and lots of friends, I'm happy to put the effort in to making sure she has as much social life and activities as she wants.

DH has been away since DD was 4 months and it could so easily happen again, we've been fine this time but would worry on a second round! I can see a lovely future with the three of us and coping just fine when I'm inevitably left fort holding but equally don't want to get three years down the line and wish we had tried while there was still a vague chance!

So, anyone felt like this? Am I being unreasonably chicken here? Did anyone have a second an wonder what on earth they worried about or has anyone stopped at one and never looked back?

Groovee Wed 31-Jul-13 09:33:53

If you are happy with one child then don't feel you need to give her a sibling. I am the second generation of a family as my siblings were teens when I was born, so I consider myself an only child. I decided if I was having 2 children there couldn't be more than 5 years between them as I didn't want what happened to me to happen to any child of mine.

badguider Wed 31-Jul-13 09:24:16

So many people seem to have children two years apart that many of them must start trying when the first child is one or even not quite one.

When I was growing up I am sure the most common gap was more like four years, which I can more easily understand (first one off to school so one pre-schooler at a time).

I don't know if I'll have a second (first not due for another five weeks), and I don't understand the pressure to 'make siblings'.. I wasn't close to my brother growing up and although I see him occassionally as adults we're still not close. We're totally different people with totally different interests and life paths.

I will be very surprised if I even consider ttc till this one is around 3yo. By which point I'll be nearly 39 and so quite possibly won't have a second at all either by choice or nature.

jeanmiguelfangio Wed 31-Jul-13 09:14:38

Nope nope and nope, 1 is the magic number for me. DH and I have always said 1. I don't want her to share us, and I have PND and all sorts of other things so I'm happy.
Granted my DD is 5 months ...

petuniapickletits Wed 31-Jul-13 08:52:47

Agh reading this has confused me futher!

My situation is different in that time is on my side. BUT I can't see how we'll ever afford to buy a maintain our current lifestyle if we go for no2. ds turns 2 in a few weeks and only very recently have a begun getting a little daydreamy about being pregnant. .having a small baby.....not working so much! lol

We can't afford childcare fees, right now my job allows ds to come with. This would be I possible with two. I had always said we'd have to wait until he was in school at least, .not least due to the rough ride pregnancy gives me.

BUT whilst all the logic says waiting IS the best idea I just can't shake the wandering recently but also secretly feel im not ready yet. .im very confused!

I really love my ds..and actually parenting him as a lone child is so easy..even if he is a mini terror at times. Do Iwanna be that frazzled mum trying to calm her brood as they scream and shout down the aisles of the supermarket etc! lol As I say..time is more than on my side so im not rushed but can't decide! ?

Cherriesarelovely Wed 31-Jul-13 08:44:08

I know what you mean breathslowly. I felt like just having one was in some way "weird" for ages! I felt quite inadequate! Now Dd's 3 best friends are all only children. None of them are in any way weird or spoilt! They are just like her other freinds who have siblings.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 31-Jul-13 08:40:55

You have no way of knowing how you are going to feel once you've actually had a baby. I always dreamed of having a busy, chaotic house with 3 or 4 children. In actual fact I found I hated the chaos and didn't even consider a 2nd child till dd was about 3. It took us till she was 4 to really get things moving (complicated fertility situation), then it didn't work. We had a year or so of being sad about that and are now extremely happy with our one child, she is now 10. She is great, life is very calm and peaceful, she has lots of friends, we can do all sorts of lovely things together. I'm very happy with how things have turned out. That's not to say I wouldn't have liked to have had 2 but there are huge positives either way.

In your position I really would give it a few more months. Your dd is only 9 months old, still really young, see how you feel then.

gertrudestein Wed 31-Jul-13 08:30:13

I also always thought we'd have 2, but a difficult pregnancy made me change my mind. Ds has just arrived abd he's brilliant, but I don't think any human being could feel broody when they're looking after a new one ... Time will tell

Anyway I just wanted to add that my Dh is an only and sees no need for two children. He had a very happy childhood with lots of close friends. He is an extrly sociable, confident and creative person. ( of course these are not consequences of being an only child but things I've heard people worry their child will lack if s/he doesn't have siblings). Also, his parents are currently dying. It's very sad but I hope that I am a good support abd sounding g board for him. He doesn't miss having a sibling in this, ir any other, situation. Sometimes it's hard for those of us with good relationships with our brothers and sisters to imagine this - that only children don't experience a 'lack' (like we would if our siblings suddenly disappeared); they just have a different experience. Or at least that's how it is for my Dh

PassTheTwiglets Wed 31-Jul-13 08:30:03

As far as loving a second child as much as the first - it just happens. It's nature.

catgirl1976 Wed 31-Jul-13 07:12:49

I'm another one who was broody for years and wanted a baby more than anything

Now I have 20 month old ds. I adore him but I have no desire for another one

The lack of sleep has been hell and I can't face it again when we are just starting to get some sleep

The expense of extra childcare etc is off putting

I had a very difficult labour and DH is terrified of me going through that again (I'm not)

I'm 37 so not a spring chicken and DH is 40

I simply cannot imagine loving anything as much as DS

The broody feeling have gone and i feel complete with DS

breatheslowly Wed 31-Jul-13 00:18:13

We have a DD who is nearly 3. We are struggling with the decision about whether to try for no 2. I'm 34, so it might not be so time critical, but in terms of age gap, it is just getting bigger and bigger. Most friends with one a similar age to DD have another by now. Actually it feels like that, but probably isn't true, maybe 70% have. Somehow having two seems "normal" and by extension having 1 is "abnormal", I know this isn't true, but it feels like a hard idea to shake off. I completely see where Dogsmom is coming from, if we could have DD all over again, but without the health issues I had from having her then we would jump at the chance. I think we are going to go for it as I think it will just keep niggling until we do, but that seems like a bit of a crap decision. I'm confident that I'll have enough love to go round, but I am a bit worried about not having enough patience.

QueenofLouisiana Tue 30-Jul-13 23:57:47

I have an only DS, he is 8. For many reasons we decided to stop at one child and have no regrets at all. I had a brief blip (a day or two) when DS started school, but nothing else.

I adore being a family of 3 (plus mutt), we can follow DS' interests without worrying about the needs of anyone else. However, not everyone (yesMIL, I'm looking at you) thinks one is a good number. Choosing to only have one child means I have the same conversation with people lots of times!

You don't need to rush into making a decision, take your time and enjoy your family.

Dogsmom Tue 30-Jul-13 23:56:32

I could've written your post op, my pfb is 20 weeks old and she really is a dream baby, sleeps through from 6.30 and has done since about 6 weeks, she's affectionate, happy, very rarely cries etc and I've been wondering about whether I should have another.
My age is a concern as I'm 38 and she took 3 years to conceive, initially I was adamant I only wanted one but I'm finding myself being sad when I pack away the clothes that no longer fit and this week when a friend announced her pregnancy with dc2 I felt rather jealous.

I do think however that it's not that I want another baby it's that I want her all over again.

On the flip side I have a friend with a 1 & a 3 year old and she's full of guilt about not being able to give the older one enough attention at such a young age and thinks she's missing her toddlerhood by having to look after the baby.

MCos Tue 30-Jul-13 23:52:17

DD2 was a lovely but unplanned surprise. Took ages to get pregnant on DD1, didn't think we needed to take contraception too seriously, was expecting the same situation again. Just around DD1's first birthday I found I was pregnant with DD2.
9 years later, they have been brilliant company for each other pretty much since DD2 arrived. They do argue (way too much some days -DD1(11) is hormone city at the moment). But they are so close and miss each other terribly when apart.

Not sure how long it would have taken me to be ready for 'another' baby. It was taken out of my hands - but it was meant to be.

Can't really advise to just let nature take its course... It might not work as well for everybody. But it is an option...

DipMeInChocolate Tue 30-Jul-13 23:32:30

Like passthetwiglets, it took me 4yrs to feel ready to even consider baby2, despite DD being an easygoing child. Our reasons included, childcare costs, watching DD grow before bringing another child into the fold. Being able to discuss the baby and DDs feelings. Not having to potty train and have a newborn. DD at school means spending time with new baby.
It's worked for us but doesn't stop me feeling overwhelmed at times with 2.

PassTheTwiglets Tue 30-Jul-13 21:56:57

I never wanted to have an only child but after DD was born it took me 4 years before I could even consider having another one! So if I wanted another one and it took me so long to feel able to, then you not being sure about another one after only 9 months seems perfectly reasonable to me smile

Viviennemary Tue 30-Jul-13 21:47:13

Everyone has their own thoughts and their own experiences on this so you will get a different answer depending on the person. Here's mine. I was an only child and always said if I had children I'd have at least two (if possible) because I wouldn't have an only child.

PicardyThird Tue 30-Jul-13 21:42:04

I have two, two years apart, and am ttc no. 3 (a process proving sadly complicated due to recurrent mc) after a substantial gap. I didn't have to think much about ttc no. 2 - it was simply a given, for both dh and me. Am rather wavering aboit no. 3 at the moment, but don't think I would have without the miscarriages.

I love my dcs' close sibling relationship - it is wonderful to watch - but I think I would counsel against having another if the primary reason is to 'give' your dc a sibling (not sure whether this enters your thinking though). I know of lots of very happy onlies. It's a different path, not an inherently better or worse one than a multi-child family. The vibe I get from your OP is that you are happy as you are, and I wouldn't discount that feeling IIWY.

Good luck, whatever you decide smile

hamab Tue 30-Jul-13 21:06:05

Very good point higgle.

Thatsinteresting Tue 30-Jul-13 19:00:06

I had dd and could write pages about how much I loved her and how great she was. I had no urge to do it again, she completed me and I am not a baby/child person. Dh wanted another though and I can see the benefit in having siblings so when she was 2.5 I became pg with ds.
Ds is very different to dd but I can honestly say I love them equally and you parent differently the second time round which makes it a new experience. I adored my pfb but ds has been such a joy that I'm now desperate for a third.

Justforlaughs Tue 30-Jul-13 18:52:39

OP, it IS early days! Very early days.

JRsandCoffee Tue 30-Jul-13 18:49:44

Thanks again for responses! DP feels roughly the same as I do maybe slightly more negative but may come round a bit more of I really wanted to go for it. Some people say just to let things take their course and not stress either way but I'd like to be really sure I'd be as pleased as I was first time if I found I was pregnant! I've always wanted two so a little surprised at this ambiguity now!

I think I'm only confused by my lack of broodiness because I'm surrounded by friends with babies of the same age who are desperate for another and just can't fathom it! I thought it was early days!

Justforlaughs Tue 30-Jul-13 18:35:59

Of course YANBU to be unsure about having another DC. There si no right or wrong answer to "how many children should you have", I wanted as many as I could have (5 so far) and although I would still love to have another one, at 42 and with a DH who has had the snip I think I have to accept that it isn't likely to happen waiting for grandchildren now. I'm 100% certain that if you did decide to have another child, you would love them just as much as you love your DD, whether they slept or not. How does your DP feel?

Imscarlet Tue 30-Jul-13 18:22:36

My DD will be 3 soon, and I feel exactly the same. I also changed career into an area area where jobs are temporary contracts for some time before the chance of a permanent job comes along. Pregnant would make a mess out that! DH really wants another and thinks I am being selfish.

PrettyKitty1986 Tue 30-Jul-13 18:13:12

It's probably a bit smug and know-it-all but I do quietly lol to myself at this type of thread.
I had no intention of ever having any more when ds1 was 9 months. I now have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. The broody feeling for me came when ds1 was about 14 months. Df had wanted another for a while so he took no convincing.

You have a 9 month old baby! Of course you may not want another yet. why are you worrying about it? You may continue like this or more likely you may change your mind in a year or so, or less.

MrsPercyPig Tue 30-Jul-13 18:00:33

Also a bit hmm at "I got my little girl!" What's that about?

Anyway OP, I was adamant that I only wanted one child before I had my beautiful baby boy, yes BOY!

Now he's 6 months I'm really broody for number 2. You just don't know what way you will feel. No children, 1 baby, 2, 3 more- whatever works for your family is fine!

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