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(51 Posts)
Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:25:38

Quick help please from the early risers squad.
I am due to have DS2 on Thursday. DH starts new job basing him away from home from following Monday. (This can't be avoided - he is gutted). DM agreed to be his stand in, and take over looking after me, DS1 and newborn, for best part of 6 weeks. All great. :-))

Now, months ago, DS and her Husband planned to have family holiday in London so to be close to us when DS2 is born, see baby etc. They have 2 kids of their own, aged 4 and 2. But now BIL says he can't take 10 days off (is boss of v successful company - has had 2 weeks off for holidays with mates this year). So now this is the plan:

DM (aged mid 60s) is coming on train with DS and my nephews, day before c section, Wednesday, they are then going to stay in hotel together. I have c section on Thursday, DS can't visit as there is no one to look after kids, except for max of 10 mins. On Friday, BIL is coming to London for business meeting (he has chosen this date), so Friday morning DS is going to accompany him, and DM can't come to hospital as she is baby sitting the kids. Friday afternoon we had designated in laws and for DS1 to meet new baby. Saturday, BIL goes home leaving DS in London with 2 kids and my DM being there as back up. On Sunday night, DM comes to mine to be sudo hubby. DS then wanted to come to our village on the Tuesday and hang out all kids together and my DM, 5 days after c section....

I appreciate this is complicated, feel free to give up, but I guess AIBU that I just wanted my mum to have no distractions week I gave birth, and also for her to be fresh for when she is going to be stand in for my Dh. There is no way she will have the energy to help with my DS's kids and then us.

Plus I am being told I am being unreasonable by all involved and all this is so DS can see the baby. But she will only see him for 10 mins on the Thursday, and for the remaining time she is choosing a business meeting (she doesn't have to go - if I told you why she was going it would be a big red flag) and otherwise will have her kids to mind.

Didn't want my DM to be pulled in different directions, 2 daughters during this week. DS always has a habit if needing my DM, and her needs taking precedence, e.g on family holidays (mainly because BIL chooses to be stare at his blackberry instead). Also early in year, DS got upset at thought of having to share DM with me as quote "I see you as my mum only".

Please don't flame me if IABU, have moved house, having baby, dH starting new job all in same 4 weeks, so feeling quite stressed...

Justforlaughs Sun 28-Jul-13 07:29:44

YANBU, but my God, you confused with your DSs!

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:31:29

Sorry, all DS references are about DSiS, not son!! Especially the reference to not wanting to share her mother!! Sorry.

Roshbegosh Sun 28-Jul-13 07:35:11


Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:36:26

Ok. Will pull thread. Probably too hormonal to write anything that made sense!

Justforlaughs Sun 28-Jul-13 07:36:27

I might be being daft, but why can't your DM, DS or whoever bring the children to visit you?
YANBU to think that YOU should come first right now, just a bit confused about why they are all babysitting.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 28-Jul-13 07:37:49

I didnt read all the ins and outs but yanbu your mum is coming to help you, not entertain your sister. not much you can do if nobody will listen to you.

Justforlaughs Sun 28-Jul-13 07:38:34

And for what it's worth, my DM wouldn't be able to cope with that either. Try to take one day as it comes, it will probably all be so much easier to deal with as it comes. You'll be so wrapped up in DS2 that you won't be worried about what anyone else is doing (except DS1 of course)

saintlyjimjams Sun 28-Jul-13 07:39:15

Well I think YABU to want your mum fresh & undistracted for you. Your mum is an adult & entitled to spend her time how she wishes whether that's nightclubbing, seeing her other grandchildren or gardening. And she doesn't have to look after you - it's nice that she is, but I think dictating how she spends her time before she sees you is going a bit far really.

You would be quite entitled to tell your sister to leave seeing you though (although i presume she'll be off doing other things with the kids as well & as she's there may as well see you for ten mins)

CaptainSweatPants Sun 28-Jul-13 07:41:30

Why is she going to a business meeting ?
God how annoying the whole thing sounds !
Do you really want your mum living with you for 6 weeks anyway? !

saintlyjimjams Sun 28-Jul-13 07:42:49

People do treat subsequent children quite differently btw. First child everyone makes a fuss, second, third & onwards you're very much expected to get on with it - c section or not (btdtgtts). I would get your mum making a fuss of your eldest dc while she's there - that's prob the most practical help she can be.

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:45:11

She is going business meeting as they usually give away fab freebie stuff. I know I can't dictate my DM's life, just wish I had been allowed to be focus of attention from Thursday for a week, now I am not. Probably very petty and childish. I imagine, it is the hormones plus all the othe stress of moving house, Dh starting new job away and this is the straw that has broken the camel's back.

Loveleopardprint Sun 28-Jul-13 07:45:16

Will you have your DH there from the Thursday to Sunday anyway?? It all sounds a little bit panicky as anyone would be about to have second child and DH going away. Don't worry and let it all sort itself out without upsetting you. I am sure you will be the priority.

saintlyjimjams Sun 28-Jul-13 07:45:42

I missed you had her coming for 6 weeks??? I love my mum, she's been a great help each birth (and all mine have been sections) but we would have driven each other mad had she been there for 6 weeks. I think you just have to let her do what she wants of she's coming for that long tbh.

Justforlaughs Sun 28-Jul-13 07:47:03

saintlyjimjams in my experience, it was the younger siblings who got and get the attention!

Justforlaughs Sun 28-Jul-13 07:47:54

saintly sorry, misread, thought you were talking about OP and her sister, not about this being a second birth. blush

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:48:21

Thanks loveleapardprint, That pretty much sums it up. Bl@@dy hormones and panicky. Will try and put it in context. :-))

saintlyjimjams Sun 28-Jul-13 07:50:30

OP - I mean this nicely - it was a bit of a shock to me as well- is that you just don't get the fuss second time round that everyone makes the first. The focus is often the existing child/ren (which is fair enough they need it) and ime people pay little attention to the mother. If your mum is on hand to help cook meals and look after your older child that first painful post section week I would just sit back & let it all happen around you to be honest. Don't concern yourself with the details.

Beautifulbabyboy Sun 28-Jul-13 07:55:58

I had not thought about it being second time round, and you just have to get on with it. So doesn't feel like I should be going into this as an experienced hand! Feeling as nervous as first time!!
Guess I am just upset at DSis pulling on my DM, which is somthing she has done quite a bit of in te past, and I didn't think she would do it this week. Obviously it is my insecurities at playing second fiddle to my DSIS that have upset me... Will work on them. (I know my DM loves us both equally) got I am mid 30s with silly sibling rivalry issues - tells self to grow up!!!!

saintlyjimjams Sun 28-Jul-13 08:09:06

I think your sister is irrelevant really OP. she sounds a bit erm pushy grin but I would just leave her to it. Put your feet up as much as you can & get breastfeeding (if you're doing that) established. I found that much harder with my third because I was rushing around so much. If your eldest is occupied with granny & cousins it'll help you even if your sister is being full on. I can understand you being irritated & it does sound as if there's history but honestly just use the opportunity to bond with your baby.

youarewinning Sun 28-Jul-13 08:21:16

I actually don't think your being silly. I am also someone who's DSis clicks her fingers and DM goes running too - it does make you feel second best.

Good luck with DS2. I agree that actually getting your DM to take DS1 out with Dsis and DN may be the better option for you.

katykuns Sun 28-Jul-13 08:25:14

YANBU. I would be anxious too. The first couple of months are a challenge and you don't know how long it will take to heal and be back on your feet. My sister is quite similar in that her children are deemed more important and my Mum rushes around like a blue arsed fly for them and hardly spends time with my two. I personally would try not to say anything though, as I suspect your mum would react like mine... which would just be guilt and trying to stretch herself even further!

How old is your DC1? I found the first few weeks a lot easier than I expected when I had my second, but she was 5 so she could do many things herself.

I really feel for you. Particularly when your DH will be away at a new job and he no doubt will be miserable too sad Take it easy and try not to stress x

meganorks Sun 28-Jul-13 08:25:34

It does all sound a bit much so yanbu. Had a elcs 3 wks ago and to be honest, the fewer visitors in hospital the better. I only had dp and then gp's came an hour a day with dd1. Even that felt a lot as baby feeding all night and not sleeping.
Dsis probably wouldn't be able to bring kids as someone suggests as only siblings allowed on Ward.
This all sounds a bit lolr things are going to ne made harder for you rather than easier. Might be tempted to tell them all to do one. Your sis and kids aren't staying with you too are they?!
Fyi - I am finding recovery from elcs better than previous cs. But dp had 3 wks off with me and he was taking care of dd1 most of time.

BoundandRebound Sun 28-Jul-13 08:34:46

You will be in hospital for a minimum of 4 days. You will have your mother when you get home

All will be well

saintlyjimjams Sun 28-Jul-13 08:37:49

Not sure about that these days bound. I was out of hospital 2 days after having my third section, & a friend was out a day after having a section. They needed the beds.

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