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To hate the term birth mother when referring to step children's mother

(65 Posts)
pennypence Sat 27-Jul-13 21:20:56

Just been for a nosy on the step parents board and seen this in a few posts. I haven't seen anyone refer to the dads as birth dad. I would be incensed if someone referred to me as my children's birth mother.

pennypence Sun 28-Jul-13 10:55:13

Fenton - thank you for your suggestion. However I'll decide whether there's a real need to bring it over to AIBU as I'm sure many people won't have seen the post on SP especially as the title doesn't give any indication of what the post is about. Plus they might not want to be accused of being nosy by going over to the SP site as I was by you.

As you say you're not the thread police so why did you feel the need to be so offensive towards me? Apparently I'm nosy and a stirrer according to you.

You could have simply posted to say that they is already a thread on SP about this subject.

As I'm not a lone parent presumably you'll also call me nosy if I go on that forum and read some of the posts?

pennypence Sun 28-Jul-13 10:56:13

Anyway I'll bow out of this post now.

Fenton Sun 28-Jul-13 12:34:30

Plus they might not want to be accused of being nosy by going over to the SP site as I was by you.

pardon me, but you said in your first post you were 'having a nosy on the step parents board'

which is why when I mentioned it in my post i put it in speech marks - your words, not mine.

So don't come over all the injured party here. I am merely sick of a whole area of this board being picked on, mocked and berated.


OliviaIsOffTheGinMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 28-Jul-13 12:50:16

Talk guidelines for anyone who may need a quick reminder

ReginaPhilangie Sun 28-Jul-13 12:54:26

Every situation should be looked at differently, it depends doesn't it. At my DSD's 18 birthday meal, she introduced me and her dad as "this is my stepmum and dad" and her mother as "and this is my birth mother". Says it all really doesn't it.

McNewPants2013 Sun 28-Jul-13 13:02:35

I would be hurt if I was ever referred as a birth mum, I am a mother. But it depends on where the mother is. If she is absent than the title fits perfect.

I used to hate it when his bio dad was called his real dad, until I pointed out his adoptive dad was his real dad even if you don't share DNA.

There again my DC will never have a step mum or step dad, as this is something me and DH has discussed before having children.

lljkk Sun 28-Jul-13 13:07:11

I don't get the offence, either.
I know it wouldn't bother me if DC had a step-mum.

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 28-Jul-13 13:13:08

My eldest stepson lives with us. I would refer to his Mum as his Mum generally, but many people assume I am his Mum and I need to set that straight, by saying I am his step Mum. I can't stand his Mum (nor she me) but I couldn't imagine calling her his birth mother.

My 15 year old, however, has me in his phone as "Birth Giver" hmm

KirjavaTheCat Sun 28-Jul-13 13:17:24

I would feel pretty shit if I was referred to as my children's birth mother. I am their mother, no pre-fix necessary. It's not the end of the world, but it would feel as though his new girlfriend/wife was belittling my role in my own children's lives whilst reaffirming her own. Pretty nasty imo.

zatyaballerina Sun 28-Jul-13 14:22:48

yanbu, unless the child has been put up for adoption, it's mother.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 28-Jul-13 14:28:34

There again my DC will never have a step mum or step dad, as this is something me and DH has discussed before having children

McNewPants - I admire your belief in this statement, but really, don't you think 99% of now divorced/separated parents thought or said this too? It's not exactly something you set out to have.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 28-Jul-13 14:30:08

Regina - exactly. It has been mentioned on both threads, several times! People refusing to see that it can be both offensive and accurate given different situations are not helping.

Goooooooooooooooooooooood Sun 28-Jul-13 15:03:35

Unless it is deliberately done to offend then I can't see how it matters really.

Tuckshop Sun 28-Jul-13 16:55:23

The other thread has gone a bit weird.

I said on that, and another thread, that BM is absolutely fine in the right context. In the context of a mum who is involved then there is no need to use it at all and therefore no need to use the acronym. And while it doesn't particularly press any buttons for me, I can see why it could if it were used in an inflammatory way.

I've been a SM for many years and on here for nearly as long and not once have felt the need, when I've talked about things on threads to use anything other than dsd's mum or dh's ex or found that an acronym was helpful to avoid any confusion.

TalkativeJim Sun 28-Jul-13 18:13:06

If she's absent from the child's life and someone else has effectively been the child's mother, then the term birth mother makes sense.

If not, then all it does is make the person using the term look nasty, and if it's the step-mother/father's partner, it makes them look screamingly insecure about their place in the family set-up.

A very loaded term.

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