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To hate the term birth mother when referring to step children's mother

(65 Posts)
pennypence Sat 27-Jul-13 21:20:56

Just been for a nosy on the step parents board and seen this in a few posts. I haven't seen anyone refer to the dads as birth dad. I would be incensed if someone referred to me as my children's birth mother.

WorraLiberty Sat 27-Jul-13 21:25:55

I expect it depends on the situation

If for example you've raised your stepchild from a very early age, and they have little or no contact with their Mum...birth mother is quite descriptive.

I've heard a lot of Dads being referred to as 'sperm donors' but not 'birth Dads'.

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 27-Jul-13 21:26:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeliaLytton Sat 27-Jul-13 21:26:44

Personally I would refer to their mother as, well, their mother, unless she had done something truly hideous and the children wanted nothing to do with her, in which case I would let them decide how to address her.

I think it is different using the term on an internet forum though amongst people who consider themselves a parent to the children. I don't think most people would mean it to be offensive.

Are you a step parent?

allnewtaketwo Sat 27-Jul-13 21:27:12

I see dads referred to as sperm donors on here on a very very regular basis and I've never once seen anyone object to that term

wonderingsoul Sat 27-Jul-13 21:28:39

Sperm dinners are generally twats who have no contact..which they deserve the name.

If the mum has no contact its deserved again.

But if either parents. Are involved I would be disgusted to heard them that.. smacks off so little disrespect and infact they are more mum then the actually mum

BOF Sat 27-Jul-13 21:28:53

Really? There's just been a multiple paged bunfight on this very issue- it was going strong when I saw it earlier. I imagine the posters who feel most strongly have used up all their gunpowder today.

BOF Sat 27-Jul-13 21:29:36

Sperm dinners? Remind not to eat at your house! grin

qazxc Sat 27-Jul-13 21:29:45

I would assume that the birth mother would imply adoption/surrogacy if i heard people using it.

MammaTJ Sat 27-Jul-13 21:30:15

Birth mother aptly describes the woman who gave birth to my D(ex)StD. However, I was the woman most involved in her upbringing.

I cannot bring myself to take offence at this one. Sorry OP

JumpingJackSprat Sat 27-Jul-13 21:31:05

Why not avoid the step parents board then seeing as it upsets you so much?

wonderingsoul Sat 27-Jul-13 21:32:28

Yeah... it's a delicacy in some countries don't you know...

Sperm dinners... bah.. I wont be eating at mine ethier..stupider phone.

lunar1 Sat 27-Jul-13 21:34:24

I think in some cases bm is used by a step parent and no offence is meant, I think it is used in that way on lots of American forums.

Other times it is quite clearly the step parent trying to minimise the mothers relationship with her child. In these cases I think it's vile.

allnewtaketwo Sat 27-Jul-13 21:34:35

I personally haven't seen anyone use the term BM in a manner which was meant to be derogatory or offensive. Clearly some people do find it offensive, but that can be easily be dealt with by a nudge to the (usually new) poster who is unaware of the offence caused, rather than by aggressive bullying which I've seen happening a lot

pootlebug Sat 27-Jul-13 21:35:04

I can't imagine referring to my stepson's mother as 'birth mother', she's his mother.

But a friend whose son has 2 dads - his biological dad, who he seldom sees, and her husband who has adopted her son legally, is called dad by him, etc. She refers to his bio dad as such, which I guess is kind of similar to 'birth mother' - and in that scenario it makes total sense.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 27-Jul-13 21:37:57

... and of course this isn't anything to do with the thread that has been 'kicking off' for a couple of days... oh no.


squoosh Sat 27-Jul-13 21:40:06

I've only ever heard the term 'birth mother' used when referring to a woman who gave birth to but was not involved in the upbringing of the child.

Never had a sperm dinner, have had a few sperm hors d'oeuvres.

BeesGoBuzzzzzz Sat 27-Jul-13 21:45:18

YABU because you are deliberately going to look at something in order to get all upset and start another thread about this.

MammaTJ Sat 27-Jul-13 21:47:06

ChippingInHopHopHop what are you on about? It has passed me by completely.

IfIonlyhadsomesleep Sat 27-Jul-13 21:53:30

I do understand the term sperm donor for an absent father, but I do object to it a bit, although I appreciate I have specific and very personal reasons for the objection. My children were conceived with the help of a sperm donor and in our house that term has only positive connotations of someone who has enabled us to have our family and dh to be a father. It would be inappropriate to describe the donor as father or dad, although biologically that is true. But they didn't disappear or deny their responsibilities as is the implication when I see sperm donor used on threads on here.
Thing is, there'll be something I innocently say that will bother someone else with a specific set of circumstances. I do my best not to but it happens. I try to look at the spirit behind the semantics, not the words themselves.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 27-Jul-13 23:41:07

Using the term birth mother/ father when the child has been adopted is the correct term as the adoptive parent then becomes the legal parent and the birth parent ceases to be a parent. That's the point of adoptions.

Its also the correct term for surrogate situations.

Birth mum /sperm donor are insulting terms (but understandable ones) when used to describe none involved completely absent parents

Or its a highly positive description of someone who entered into a formal arrangement to donate sperm or womb.

They are both insulting terms when used to describe someone who is still involved in the child's life where no legal removal of parental status has happened.

Suelford Sat 27-Jul-13 23:48:22

Did someone say sperm dinners?

notanyanymore Sat 27-Jul-13 23:49:31

Mum suffices (unless she's totally absent and has been for a long while).

ByTheSea Sat 27-Jul-13 23:58:16

I raised my stepsons from very young ages and the don't know her other than she gave birth to them and neglected one so badly as a baby he is permanently damage. She IS a 'birth mother,' nothing more.

ByTheSea Sun 28-Jul-13 00:00:30


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