AIBU to go on holiday?(155 Posts)
I have a DS, 2.7yrs. I live with DP who is not DS's Dad.
We got offered the use of an apartment in a few weeks in Portugal, a freebie from one of DP's friends. So we only have to pay for flights. It's going to be for 7 nights.
Apartment is in a quiet village, quite a way from the airport, and is in a private complex that isn't full of holiday lets, but generally where people live/ have second homes.
We decided it wasn't really the kind of holiday to take DS on, as we wouldn't be doing much, and that it would give us a chance to relax and get a break, so I have arranged for DS to stay with my parents.
DS hero worships my dad, and they help me out with childcare while I work, so I have no qualms about how he will be looked after, or that he won't enjoy it. My Mom won't be working at the time, and they have plans to spend some time with my sister and niece and take him on a day trip on a train.
Ex has gotten wind of it and has made a couple of comments along the lines of him not being able to believe I am 'dumping' DS to go on holiday on my own, and how selfish it is. Also a friend's reaction was that she couldn't leave her DC for that long and won't I worry/ miss him.
Well of course I will miss him! But I know him and his grandparents are going to have a lovely time!
AIBU to go on holiday for a week without him????
Go on the holiday and don't feel guilty ! You have taken ds on holiday already and he wil have a lovely holiday with his grandparents. I have very fond memories of holidays at my GPs house.
Your ex is a hypocritical waste of space. Any man who makes his wife and child homeless and turns down the opportunity of bonus contact time is in no position position to complain about the OP going away for a few days.
Yanbu if you are comfortable. I'm sick of other people trying to dictate other people's emotional responses. If your families happy that's all that matters.
But on balance, I am also very clear that as an adult, I need time away from children, I need to devote time to my relationship, and both DS and I need to be people independent of one another. I've thought it all through, and decided I am going to go.
I'm sure you made the right decision, OP.
So many people don't pay enough attention to their spouse/partner, the relationship goes wrong because it isn't being nourished, and then the children have to go through a breakup with all that can entail.
Enjoy yourself! Go on holidays, don't worry about your little boy and just enjoy the week's lie ins, nights out and some time out. When I was 11 months and my sister 2.5 years old, my parents left us for four weeks to go travelling in America. I'm now 33 and have no resentment to them at all, gee I didn't even remember it. You work, you look after your little boy and are lucky that your parents can look after you little boy, I say make the most of it!! God, I would!
Its perfectly possible to spend time with grandparents and other family matters with no element of childcare being built in. -why is this the ideal? Many grandparents are love to childcare for their own grandchildren, it used to be very much the norm and still is in many cultures for grandparent care to be common (even suggested that the menopause occurs for this reason to leave youngish but non-fertile females around to care for young).
It's very sad that having grandparents do childcare is seen as a negative thing, of course there can be downsides to the relationship but my parents would be very sad if we didn't ever let our children go and stay with them alone, or ever let them do any childcare. Not everyone is the same, but I cannot understand the mentality that grandparents who want to care (and in this case have lived with the child for 6 months) 'shouldn't' in case it denotes any kind of dependence or obligation. I hope my children let my grandchildren (if I'm lucky to have any) come and stay with me for their holidays, I can't wait!
I wouldn't do it. I had girls holiday before I had dcs-is'nt that what you do? I wouldn't leave my dcs behind so I live it up with my boyf. But I do understand others have no qualms doing so.
Nights/weekends away are good for parents-a weeks holiday to me is family time though.
Have a lovely time.
I left my DS with his GP when he was 3. I felt wobbly on the plane, talked about him endlessly for the 1st day then we got on with the business of having a child free holiday.
We rang regularly but he often was too busy to speak to us.
Your DP & you can cement your relationship & you'll come back happy & refreshed and ready to carry on being a caring, loving mummy.
don't listen to it, you know the reality. Your son will have a great time with people who love him, and so will you ;) It's a win win win win situation!
I've no resentment towards him anymore, but yes, he is a fuckwit.
I think his comments just tugged at an already underlying guilt I was having!!
I've thought hard about the comments I have received here.
Some were painful to read - because of my own thin skin and existing guilt about this situation.
I love DS, and love spending time with him, and want to do right by him. What parent doesn't?
I do worry/ feel guilty, that DS might miss me.
But on balance, I am also very clear that as an adult, I need time away from children, I need to devote time to my relationship, and both DS and I need to be people independent of one another.
I've thought it all through, and decided I am going to go.
Thank you all.
Then he has no right to an opinion
much the same as everyone else here
Ex was asked if he would look after DS for this week, or at least part of it.
He did not want to.
I did not tell him why, I merely asked. He does not need to know what I am doing, and does not check in with me about what he is doing when he does not have DS. He has in the past had leave/ changed our arrangements for DS so he could do something for himself, like go away.
I care not. What he does with his time is his business.
I did try to arrange for this to be an opportunity for DS to develop his relationship with his dad. He did not wish to.
Hadababygirl..... I can see your point, really I can.
But on serious reflection, I do not think attachment/ abandonment is something I need to worry about.
In fact, I would worry more about leaving him with my Ex.
DS's Dad, my Ex, walked out when DS was a small baby, less than 6 months old. DS was also very poorly, and had to go through a very serious and dangerous operation at 1 yr old.
My Ex was, initially, resentful and argumentative when attempting to co-parent. There were a number of hospital and doctors appointments for scans, examinations etc which he did not attend.
My Dad, DS's Grandad, attended all of these appointments with me and DS to support us.
Ex walking out while I was on maternity leave, refusing to pay his half of the rent etc, left us in a very difficult position and I was left temporarily homeless. I moved in and spent 6 months living with my parents.
I don't know why I'm sharing all this...... but I wanted to say the following without it being an issue......
My Dad is more of a father to DS than my Ex has ever been. My parents have been the other constant in his life, and have provided support when he/I needed it.
DS hero worships him, and loves spending time with him. I do not have any worries about any abandonment issues occurring from DS staying with his grandparents for a few days.
Thank you so much for responding, sorry I haven't been back sooner, but life got in the way
I have read all the posts, and sincerely want to thank everyone who has made the time to give their thoughts. There are some points I feel I should address, so I will......
It's only a week. If it were for a month I might say yabu. It might not suit everyone but if you are happy with it then go and have a lovely time
I have to wonder, if the precious moments folk are so secure in their own choices, why the need to accuse others of being selfish, abandonment yada yada for a simple thing like leaving a child with loving grandparents for a week?
Seems to me like they are deeply insecure (possibly with their own mummy-ishoos) or else they wouldn't give a swinging mickey what other people do with their kids. Perhaps its their inner child that feels hurt and lost, and they are projecting onto OP's perfectly well adjusted kid?
see, we can all do cod psychology made up on the spot, s'easy
It's interesting that her ex had to 'get wind of it' and hadn't been informed directly.
I would assume in that case that he doesn't have regular contact with his son - and therefore has no legitimate opinion. I also assume he doesn't feel the need to ask permission from the OP whenever he goes on holiday.
op hasnt replied, hopefully she is already on that plane
it is healthy for children to spend some time away from their parents, and in return its healthy for parents to have some me time and be mr&ms purple eater again and not always mum and dsd
ignore anyone who is laying the guilt trip, sure ds will have a fab time with gp's
did ds dad offer to have him if he is passing judgement?
as i said i look after a lot of children whose parents go away, sometimes yes its work or illness but often pleasure and a holiday - they have a great time with me and want/need a pressie when the parents come back and parents refresh their batteries - which imho think is important
OP of course YANBU. Hope you have a brilliant holiday!
My dad and stepmum used to have a holiday without kids every year and we'd stay at GPs. It meant we were v close to GPs, we had a great time. It also gave my parents some time to be just them, which is good for any couple relationship but I think v important for one that has kids in it from the start. So it benefited us kids as well, because they have a strong happy marriage, so we lived in a happy home.
Christ, I'm going to have to hide this thread.
Well, I honestly don't want to be contentious but I do feel there is a middle ground between 'never spending time alone with grandparents' and 'going abroad for seven days'. If the OP was spending a night away, even two nights, that would be different, I feel.
Theres a huge difference between encouraging a relationship and time with grandparents to weekly childcare and 24/7 care when the parents dont want to take the children with them on holiday.
Its perfectly possible to spend time with grandparents and other family matters with no element of childcare being built in.
I think we can leave the OP to manage the relationship with her parents, can't we.
So does no-one else encourage their children to spend time alone with their grandparents?
Makes me feel very sad about the future if this is the case.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.