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to think that he is a potential rapist?

(158 Posts)
bitscaredandfreakedout Thu 25-Jul-13 14:26:40

I could really do with some words of wisdom.

Have started seeing a man I met online a couple of months ago. When I first met him for coffee I wasn't initially attracted to him. I agreed to another date as he wasn't in the area for long and I enjoyed his company. Went on a couple more dates, ended up getting very drunk and having sex with him (first man other than my ex in 10 years). Nothing strange or sinister to that and it was consensual. The next day we exchanged a few messages and some of his were very sexual. He was basically describing what he'd like to do to me. Here's where I started to get a bit weirded out. He used the phrase '...fuck you like I'm trying to teach you a lesson' and '..treat you like a filthy slut'. Alarm bells rang and I cut contact right down. Told him that it had freaked me out and he apologised.

On Monday (this is 3 weeks later) I got a text asking if I'd meet him for coffee. I agreed and we had a nice afternoon, nothing sexual and he offered to help me move some furniture this week. So yesterday he helped me and ended up back at my new house. We ended up kissing which I was ok with and then he wanted to take it further. We were laid on the floor and he started to grind on top of me and was grunting. I know that in itself isn't too weird but this was different to anything I've ever experienced before. I honestly felt like if he'd carried on then he was going to orgasm. He got a really glazed look in his eyes and I could feel his body shaking. I gave in and ended up having sex with him. He didn't force me BUT in my heart I kinda felt like if I didn't then he wouldn't have stopped. I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so went with the easiest option. When we had sex he was saying things like 'you love being fucked, don't you?' (sorry for being graphic) and he pulled my hair pretty hard.

He thinks that I keep pulling away as I don't want any commitment. The reality is that I'm actually a bit scared. Now he also knows where I live. I don't know how to end contact with him. I understand I could just tell him that I don't want to see him again but have a feeling he could get nasty

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway Wed 31-Jul-13 10:17:33

Bitscared, I apologise for my neither helpful or supportive comments. Do exactly as YouStayClassy suggests. I would also tell friends and family.

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway Wed 31-Jul-13 10:02:30

Op would be feeling a whole lot worse if he had beat her senseless, viciously raped her at knifepoint. I could go on. Then there's the horrific time stood in court, reliving the whole frigging ordeal to try and prove the bastard is guilty. I could do the hug and there,there luv, but my message speaks of black n white fact. I'm not a horrible person and I do empathise but I am angry.

SneakyNuts Wed 31-Jul-13 09:52:29

Over hmm

tallwivglasses Wed 31-Jul-13 09:39:05

Well done Over, I'm sure that's made the OP feel a whole lot better.

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway Wed 31-Jul-13 09:31:14

So you were not attracted to him but ended up sleeping with him. Alarm bells rang but you still met up again. You put yourself in a position were you were alone with him. You were kissing to the point were you were both on the floor. You had sex with him when you really didn't want to. Unless you said " NO " you were giving him the go ahead. Am I the only one who thinks you have been extremely stupid and naive to put yourself in such a situation.

Wellwobbly Wed 31-Jul-13 09:06:12

Thanks for the clarification Bumbley. That makes a lot more sense.

ImagineJL Sun 28-Jul-13 10:03:49

Personally I wouldn't just keep making excuses and hope he gets the message. That might annoy him and he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to annoy.

I think you should be upfront. Just say thank you for his help with the house, you enjoyed the time you spent together, but you don't feel the chemistry is there for a relationship so you're calling it a day. Wish him well and sign off.

bumbleymummy Sun 28-Jul-13 09:57:32

My 'out of context quote' was directed at Cailin, not you wobbly.

I agree that he did not respect her and I think he is an ass and that she should get rid of him. I have already said that I agree that she was subjected to a sexual assault so I'm not sure why you think I am overlooking that. Of course she can be angry about that and of course it wasn't her fault (where have I said that was?!) Why does it have to be labelled as rape for her to be entitled to be angry/upset?

Justforlaughs Sun 28-Jul-13 09:51:27

Agree 100% with the poster saying to tell someone how you feel, you don't need to go into details. You need to cut all contact asap, and do it now, without excuses. A simple "I don't want to stay in coctact with you" will do. Also, speak to someone in a professional capacity, Samaritans or something, for advice. they may well tell you to speak to the police, just so they have a record if things don't go as well as you would like. They may advise you to press charges, which would be entirely your decision, but they won't pressure you/ force you to do so.

Wellwobbly Sun 28-Jul-13 09:02:24

Bumbley how can my quote be out of context. I simply C&P her EXACT WORDS of 25 Jul 19:21:56.

Are you saying the OP is out of context! Because she was recalling what happened to her?!

I am not too sure why you are parsing and splitting hairs here. This man did not respect her at all, ignored her protests and she acted to protect herself.

She wants us to hear this simple thing. And that she was frightened. Was it her fault, or can she get good and angry about it, a life force that will propel her to defend herself and in the future.

Why are you not honouring her? Why can't you acknowledge that to be 'dry humped' can be as humiliating; and to initiate as situation where she could be in 'some control' as a valid human being, should not be a stick to be beaten with?

By insisting on an exact 'legal' definition, it seems as though you are overlooking the real and rather nasty situation - that of disrespect, and treating a woman as an object for his own gratification. That's abuse, and leaves people feeling horrible frightened and humiliated.

It seems rather like my husband: his insistence that secretly getting back in touch w OW behind my back was not reigniting an affair [therefore betrayal and disrespect didn't happen!]: because he didn't stick his dick in her they just 'talked'.

Yes, Dear. hmm

WeleaseWodger Sat 27-Jul-13 22:33:42

You don't need to tell someone in RL what you posted here. Just tell them you've had a couple of dates, something is off with this man and you want to cut contact as you don't feel safe alone with him. Let them support you in that capacity, at least.

flippinada Sat 27-Jul-13 22:10:28

Hey bitscared. I understand this sort of thing is really unsettling and hard to process.

Like others I would really recommend that you let a trusted person know so that you have some support - you don't have to give details.

And please don't feel that you handled things in the wrong way or reacted in the wrong way.

bumbleymummy Sat 27-Jul-13 22:01:47

Agree that you should make someone else aware of his behaviour.

CailinDana Sat 27-Jul-13 21:42:02

Could you let someone know he freaked you out? Just for safety?

bitscaredandfreakedout Sat 27-Jul-13 21:33:24

I could have support if I asked for it. Not ready to divulge just yet

aufaniae Sat 27-Jul-13 21:26:47

If he doesn't get the hint, do be prepared to tell him you're not interested.

And please, please tell someone in real life if you can. You don't need to go into all the details but having some support could be a real help.

CailinDana Sat 27-Jul-13 21:17:40

Do you have any real life support?

bitscaredandfreakedout Sat 27-Jul-13 21:14:51

Better for each day that we aren't in contact

CailinDana Sat 27-Jul-13 21:11:16

How are you feeling?

RedHelenB Sat 27-Jul-13 21:05:36

Don't make excuses - come out with it & say you don't want to pursue things & wish him luck in finding the one for him!

bitscaredandfreakedout Sat 27-Jul-13 20:54:01

Hi all. I've read each reply. When he was on top of me he was grinding and not in a nice way. It was very aggressive and forceful. He was looking straight through me and it was more than just sexual. I can't describe it but his attitude changed. I told he 'I think you need to stop now' but he carried on. That was the point that I decided to take control as I wasn't sure if or when he would. For my own sanity I refuse to label it as rape. I just feel sick when I think about him now and am grateful that the situation isn't clear cut as then it's something I'd have to deal with. He messaged last night and I ignored. Another message today asking if I'm ignoring him. I replied and said I'm busy with the kids. I'm just going to keep making excuses. Thank you everyone that's taken the time to respond x

bumbleymummy Sat 27-Jul-13 20:28:30

Ok. Yes, nice to be able to have a civilised discussion without it descending into a bun fight smile

CailinDana Sat 27-Jul-13 20:25:25

Ok bumble. We'll agree to disagree. I appreciate you engaging with me even though we didn't agree.

bumbleymummy Sat 27-Jul-13 20:20:45

I think that is a huge jump. If you want to think of it that way then any guy that you have sex with could be a potential rapist because there may have been a possibility of him raping you if you had tried to stop it. hmm If she was 'cooperating' then she would have let him orgasm while grinding against her leg and 'got it over with'.

CailinDana Sat 27-Jul-13 20:14:54

She explained - "I don't think i could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so i went with the easiest option"
It is very common for rape victims to cooperate when they feel threatened. This guy was sexually assaulting the op. She gave into sex to make him stop and get it over with. That is rape.

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