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to think that he is a potential rapist?

(158 Posts)
bitscaredandfreakedout Thu 25-Jul-13 14:26:40

I could really do with some words of wisdom.

Have started seeing a man I met online a couple of months ago. When I first met him for coffee I wasn't initially attracted to him. I agreed to another date as he wasn't in the area for long and I enjoyed his company. Went on a couple more dates, ended up getting very drunk and having sex with him (first man other than my ex in 10 years). Nothing strange or sinister to that and it was consensual. The next day we exchanged a few messages and some of his were very sexual. He was basically describing what he'd like to do to me. Here's where I started to get a bit weirded out. He used the phrase '...fuck you like I'm trying to teach you a lesson' and '..treat you like a filthy slut'. Alarm bells rang and I cut contact right down. Told him that it had freaked me out and he apologised.

On Monday (this is 3 weeks later) I got a text asking if I'd meet him for coffee. I agreed and we had a nice afternoon, nothing sexual and he offered to help me move some furniture this week. So yesterday he helped me and ended up back at my new house. We ended up kissing which I was ok with and then he wanted to take it further. We were laid on the floor and he started to grind on top of me and was grunting. I know that in itself isn't too weird but this was different to anything I've ever experienced before. I honestly felt like if he'd carried on then he was going to orgasm. He got a really glazed look in his eyes and I could feel his body shaking. I gave in and ended up having sex with him. He didn't force me BUT in my heart I kinda felt like if I didn't then he wouldn't have stopped. I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so went with the easiest option. When we had sex he was saying things like 'you love being fucked, don't you?' (sorry for being graphic) and he pulled my hair pretty hard.

He thinks that I keep pulling away as I don't want any commitment. The reality is that I'm actually a bit scared. Now he also knows where I live. I don't know how to end contact with him. I understand I could just tell him that I don't want to see him again but have a feeling he could get nasty

bitscaredandfreakedout Thu 25-Jul-13 20:00:29

I was the one that took my trousers off
I was the one that said 'let's just do it'

mynameisslimshady Thu 25-Jul-13 20:01:03

If you said no and he ignored your wishes, then he isn't a potential rapist, he is a rapist.

It doesn't matter if you said no once or a million times, it doesn't matter if you kicked punched and stuuggled or just froze (which it sounds like you did) he knew you were unhappy and carried on anyway.

Has he been in touch since? How are you?

I'm so sorry you are going through this thanks

YellowDinosaur Thu 25-Jul-13 20:02:53

You still said no. You didn't change your mind. Any normal man would have stopped immediately when you said no. Any man who continues trying to have sex when told no is a rapist.

bitscaredandfreakedout Thu 25-Jul-13 20:03:14

We had a quick chat via text last night. He is away for the weekend so unlikely to be any contact anyway. I feel really confused now. I can deal with what happened but I am scared of what might happen

RedHelenB Thu 25-Jul-13 20:04:12

It sounds very confusing tbh but whatever happened you don't need to have contact with him again, so don't.

RedHelenB Thu 25-Jul-13 20:05:11

So you said no, then you took your trousers off?

bitscaredandfreakedout Thu 25-Jul-13 20:06:52

I said no and he didn't stop so then I just agreed as I knew he was going to carry on anyway. I can't explain what it was that made me feel that fear but I just knew. I thought the easiest and safest way was to just agree

RedHelenB Thu 25-Jul-13 20:10:02

Why are you in contact with him though? You say you fear him but you're having a cosy chat via text. You're confusing me so no doubt you're confusing him!

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Jul-13 20:11:10

It can be very hard to break away from some people, RedHelen. Show a little empathy, will you? You're not the prosecution counsel.

BinarySolo Thu 25-Jul-13 20:13:47

Agree with RedHelenB. You need to cut contact. If you're being amicable via text you're giving him the message that his behaviour was acceptable to you.

If he frightens you then you need to remove yourself from the relationship.

bitscaredandfreakedout Thu 25-Jul-13 20:14:16

redhelen this happened yesterday afternoon. We exchanged a couple of texts last night. I hadn't quite processed what had gone on. It wasn't till today that I started to think something wasn't right. I don't know the correct protocol for how to respond in a situation like this. Thankfully it's never happened before.

bitscaredandfreakedout Thu 25-Jul-13 20:17:27

and actually when in a normal situation (coffee etc) he seems ok. It was only when things turned sexual that his character totally changed. I think I was just a bit shocked yesterday evening and not sure if I was over reacting.

RedHelenB Thu 25-Jul-13 20:20:31

Imperial - this is someone that is a new aquaintance so it should be really easy to just ignore - people do it all the time on dating websites. If she keeps responding it suggests she likes him, she enjoyed the sex etc therefore it seems very contradictory of her to carry on doing it. She's asking AIBU & i think she is from what she's posted!

butscared - just ognore any future texts and don't contact him - simples! It happens all the time on dating sites! ( loads of texts exchanged, meet up, do/don't have sex 7 then one person fails to text for whatever reason!

SoleSource Thu 25-Jul-13 20:25:32

I agree with what everybody has written but falling out with all of his siblings isn't a red flag if you do not know the reasons.

Vivacia Thu 25-Jul-13 20:41:24

It can sometimes take time to process what happened, especially if you want to deny that it happened. By acting as though it wasn't rape you hope you can un-do it.

Boomba Thu 25-Jul-13 21:21:29

ok, your confusion is normal and so was your reaction at the time

repost in 'Relationships' will get good support to process this

bitscaredandfreakedout Thu 25-Jul-13 21:32:44

Thanks Boomba. Will do

sweetsummerlove Thu 25-Jul-13 21:45:24

Some rapists are clever. They initiate a relationship with their victims and pretend to care about them It means you don't go running to police because he didn't pin you down. The way he grabbed your hair (despite knowing he'd already caused you worry with his previous texts) and spoke to you during sex, in a manner that commands submission and control says it all. He is a dangerous man and you need to inform bthe police that you are concerned for your safety ..and cut all contact..get as far, far away as possible from this man.

sweetsummerlove Thu 25-Jul-13 21:47:40

I also think you need to speak to someone to help you deal with your emotions right now. 15 years later and im still deeply troubled and no longer feel I can ever discuss it now. The situation was very similar in not being 'obvious' to me at the time. Of course I realise very different now since I was just a small child.

HeyIJustMetYou Thu 25-Jul-13 21:59:16

Let me post from a male perspective. What he did was completely wrong - and I completely understand why you feel terribly confused about you 'consenting' because you felt it was the best option at the time to extricate yourself from the situation, but it doesn't change what he did. I am unsure what your should do though. I would day it would be an incredibly difficult situation to report to the authorities, but I really would do so. Although it would probably not led to charges bring pressed (from my interpretation of what happened from what you wrote) the sooner this sort of behaviour is addressed, the better. he may then realise it is utterly unacceptable.

CailinDana Thu 25-Jul-13 22:04:50

He did rape you. You were intimidated into sex. The fact that you took off your own clothes means nothing. Your instincts were primed by what you knew about him (aggressive, hair puller, domineering) and you knew you had two choices - resist and get hurt or killed or go along with it and just get through it as best you can. You made a very sensible choice, the choice most rape victims make. The idea that to be raped you must be held down kicking and screaming shows how little people understand these situations. Being at close quarters with a strong determined man who couldn't give a shit aout you is extremely threatening. He doesn't have to lift a hand or say a word to coerce you because his very presence is convincing enough.
I know what you mean about the blank look, as though he doesn't even see you <shudder>

The first thing you need is real life support. Is there anyonr you can talk to about this?

HeyIJustMetYou Thu 25-Jul-13 22:13:29

I should also echo what others have said. Please contact someone for some real life support. I'm terribly sorry that you are having to deal with this.

gamerchick Thu 25-Jul-13 22:14:37

From long past experience...

Trust your instinct, write it off and get rid. Tell him to knob off and don't see him again.

instinct is a powerful thing.. If you agree and give in next time it'll do irreparable damage to your head.

OctopusPete8 Thu 25-Jul-13 22:44:31

Yeah especially your lost post, not exclusive to romantic relationships but in general a violent person unable to control his actions.

pigletmania Thu 25-Jul-13 22:47:34

Dont contact him or have anything anything to do with him again, so things will be clearer

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