to think that he is a potential rapist?(158 Posts)
I could really do with some words of wisdom.
Have started seeing a man I met online a couple of months ago. When I first met him for coffee I wasn't initially attracted to him. I agreed to another date as he wasn't in the area for long and I enjoyed his company. Went on a couple more dates, ended up getting very drunk and having sex with him (first man other than my ex in 10 years). Nothing strange or sinister to that and it was consensual. The next day we exchanged a few messages and some of his were very sexual. He was basically describing what he'd like to do to me. Here's where I started to get a bit weirded out. He used the phrase '...fuck you like I'm trying to teach you a lesson' and '..treat you like a filthy slut'. Alarm bells rang and I cut contact right down. Told him that it had freaked me out and he apologised.
On Monday (this is 3 weeks later) I got a text asking if I'd meet him for coffee. I agreed and we had a nice afternoon, nothing sexual and he offered to help me move some furniture this week. So yesterday he helped me and ended up back at my new house. We ended up kissing which I was ok with and then he wanted to take it further. We were laid on the floor and he started to grind on top of me and was grunting. I know that in itself isn't too weird but this was different to anything I've ever experienced before. I honestly felt like if he'd carried on then he was going to orgasm. He got a really glazed look in his eyes and I could feel his body shaking. I gave in and ended up having sex with him. He didn't force me BUT in my heart I kinda felt like if I didn't then he wouldn't have stopped. I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer so went with the easiest option. When we had sex he was saying things like 'you love being fucked, don't you?' (sorry for being graphic) and he pulled my hair pretty hard.
He thinks that I keep pulling away as I don't want any commitment. The reality is that I'm actually a bit scared. Now he also knows where I live. I don't know how to end contact with him. I understand I could just tell him that I don't want to see him again but have a feeling he could get nasty
If you are not comfortable cut contact completely! However the things he has done aren't in themselves proof or evidence of him being a potential rapist. Just a bit pushy and annoying. I've been with plenty of men who have used that kind of language etc in texts heat of the moment, yet have had long loving relationships with (without any actual rape or violence). It's just a turn on for some men & women to be dominant in sex.
In your op you said he wasn't going to be in the area long. So just bin him by text, you'll never have to see him again.
After one shag he was texting you obscenities... Read the signs next time!
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i feel sad that you felt you had to have sex but it is worrying you felt he would not have listened if you had said no this does not sound like consenual sex to me
cut contact. next text just reply that you want to end it here and are not wanting anymore contact
do not get into any explanations or pointing out what he has done wrong he will not see it that way you have recognised the many red flags so take note
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Creepy as all hell.
You might be interested in this article by a feminist BDSM blogger who does an eloquent job of disentangling kink from abuse. Shorter version: there is nothing evil about wanting to have rough sex or take on submissive/dominant roles, but there's a lot wrong with non-consensual kink: http://pervocracy.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/how-can-you-be-feminist-and-do-bdsm.html?m=1
Sorry you're having to deal with this, you sound really shaken .
What most others have said - cut contact. If he contacts you, tell him firmly that it's over, but don't offer an explanation. If he turns up at your door, tell him to go away or you will phone the police. Log it with them on 101 in any case.
Just remember that it's not your job to fix him, or stick by him in any capacity. He has already proved that he cares only for himself. Good luck.
Your instincts were right the first time you cut contact. But you went back. Now your instincts are screaming again........this time stick to it.
Agree with the others - sounds odd and potentially dangerous.
Years ago, I had a relationship with a much older man who I knew was into s&m. I admit I was curious.
The first time I slept with him he demanded that I call him "Sir" (!!) and then started spanking me. It would have been fine had it been consensual but it wasn't.
I ended the relationship and later heard that he'd built a s&m dungeon in his flat... Think I had a lucky escape.
He is showing you who he is and you are scared - so I wonder why you are asking anyone what they think about this - Its HOW you think & feel that matters.
At the very least - you would not be happy with this man because you do not like sex the way he does.
There are probably women who would be happy with it - you are not!
He may have experience of women who like rough sex with 'dirty' talk and assumes you will too.
Just get away from him and find someone who doesn't make you feel scared and uncomfortable.
you only had sex with him because you wanted to avoid your suspicion becoming reality
he is a potential rapist
Just to remind you of our talk guidelines.
*Whether he is sinister or just likes things a bit rougher and more aggressive than you are used to and like, the answer is the same. Cut all contact.
Send one brief message saying something along the lines of you enjoyed spending time with him but are not looking for anything romantic at them moment, wish him well with something he is doing with his life and say goodbye.
Do not respond to any further messages, if he gets aggressive or turns up at your house do not answer the door and call the police if you feel threatened.*
^ this ^
You feel threatened - it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. Trust your instincts and back off gently if you think that a blunt cut-off will antagonise him.
I don't think I could face the possibility of him not taking no for an answer
Listen to your instincts, don't minimise this for fear of not being 'nice' or compliant. Send him one brief text saying you aren't looking for a romantic involvement from him, then completely disengage.
At worse, you're right and he's a potential rapist. At best, you like different kinds of sex - so this relationship really isn't going anywhere, is it?
Definitely listen to your instincts, and refuse any more contact with this man. If he just accepts your decision then all is well, if he doesn't then don't hesitate to inform the police. You don't mention any children, (sorry but this is mumsnet so the possibility is there) do you have any, have they met this man, would they recognise him, would he recognise them etc. Just saying to keep an eye on them.
definately go with your first instinct. To behave in such a sexually aggressive manner when you have only just met him deffo sets of major alarm bells
You're not comfortable and that's more than enough reason to cut contact with him.
I think it's a bit strong to suggest he's a potential rapist.
Agree with Bottleofbeer - you didn't say no so how can you know what he would have done/not done. Personally I would just leave it, not even text him.
agree if you are not comfortable with the level he has escalated things to already then he is not for you. relationships usually take a bit of time to develop and then the fantasy stuff, kinks etc start to be talked about once people are comfortable together and boundaries are set that both are happy with. He has shown his colours very quickly and for you they clash with yours so say bye and let him go about finding a kindred soul.
agree with bottleofbeer - it's quite a big leap from "having not very enjoyable sex" to "potential rapist". he's not your cup of tea, just don't see him again.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I've been out most of the day. I do remember saying No when he was laid on top of him and said that I didn't want to do this. That's when he continued to grind away and just got a really cold, distant look in his eyes. That's when I thought 'I've just got to do this'. I shall just diminish contact and pray that he gets a job and moves away asap.
Oh I do have children but they haven't been anywhere near him
Absolutely agree with piglet mania STEP AWAY FROM THE CRAZY !
Well if you said no it's rape. My ex did something similar to me. We'd been out drinking and I was staying at his. He started to try and have sex I said no. He carried on and I said if he continued then he was basically raping me. He didn't stop.
I was with him for about 8 years after that and only really dealt with what happened once I left him.
In light of your most recent post i'm afraid to say it doesn't sound like this man is a potential rapist.
You said no
In my book that makes him an actual rapist
You said no. So you didn't fight and scream and you choose to put up with it rather than risk him getting violent and behaving more like you perceive a rapist to act. You said no. He raped you.
Do you have support?
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