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To not know whether to go

(18 Posts)
celestialbows Thu 25-Jul-13 10:13:09

A group of mums have arranged a meeting up this afternoon. I'm not part of the group but I know everyone in it. It's a bit cliquey. We were all together at a school event where they were arranging today, it had been planned in advance and they were firming up plans in front of me but not including me. I was the only mum not invited. I just sat there looking serene while they planned x, y and z feeling a bit left out. I've always been on the periphery of this group.
Anyway the school event was ending and as one of the group members was leaving she invited me to today's do, the other group members weren't around when she did this.
I agreed to go but now I'm feeling weird about it.
I have been to many events where this group are and they kind of say 'hi' then close ranks again[[.
Since moving to the area I had hoped that they would be my friends but it hasn't happened.
Today could have been my 'way in' but I don't want to turn up and them 'close ranks' as usual.
I know that this is petty but I also have anxiety and can't bear to be left feeling awkward on the edge of the group.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-Jul-13 10:23:17

Go along - you have nothing to lose if you do.
If they close ranks then make your excuses after a short while and leave.
You may find they include you and it is your way in.
You'll never know if you don't try.

celestialbows Thu 25-Jul-13 10:31:27

Yeah that's what half my gut is telling me, thanks hellsbellsmelons! I have huge issues about turning up unwanted and unwelcome after an abusive and neglected childhood where I wandered the streets turning up unannounced at other childrens' houses!

Bringmewineandcake Thu 25-Jul-13 12:27:05

Unmumsnetty hug for you { }
Go along, it may be awful but you can leave!
Let us know how it went too

HarderToKidnap Thu 25-Jul-13 12:34:23

Go along! Since having DS I've realised I might be one of these alpha mum types, I'm always organising things, socialising with other mums. I can quite see myself making plans in front of other people who aren't such good friends but the inviting them when plans have been firmed up and being happy to see them there. It's a lot easier to make plans with a few people and then inviting others to join in than trying to include everyone when actually making the arrangements. I think the fact they didn't hide the plans from you is great, it means they were happy for you to know about them and then you've actually been invited, which means they want you to come! You wouldn't have been invited if they were nasty and whispering about how much they hate you when you're not around. Go and smile and enjoy x

quesadilla Thu 25-Jul-13 12:36:28

I would go too, just to see. If you start to feel uncomfortable leave

Not to excuse this behaviour because its a bit shitty, but sometimes people who create a cliquey environment aren't aware they are doing it. People who have known each other ages can be really thick skinned and unknowingly tactless.

It doesn't necessarily mean they won't go on to be friends in the future.

WaitMonkey Thu 25-Jul-13 12:37:56

Hope its ok. grin

Kbear Thu 25-Jul-13 12:39:59

Go, definitely. Take a bag of sweets to share out with the kids, don't sit on the edge (if its a picnic sitting around thing), make sure you involve yourself in chit chat (silence won't let them get to know you), and smile.

Like someone else said, it might be a turning point.

CaptainSweatPants Thu 25-Jul-13 12:46:15

& if it does turn awkward concentrate on the kids, play with them., fetch them drinks etc

That's what I do, lol

Crinkle77 Thu 25-Jul-13 12:51:42

One of the group invited you so just go although they do sound like a gang of cows for discussing it in front of you and not inviting you in the first place. If they leave you out then don't go again but try and do your best to make sure you involve yourself. Maybe they just need to get to know you better

EarlyIntheMorning Thu 25-Jul-13 14:08:13

I completely understand how you feel, it would be easier to 'break in' to the group one mum at a time. But if that opportunity doesn't present itself, then this is the best you're going to get. I'm in a similar situation but I'm biding my time; it might take me years to feel accepted but I will take the opportunities that come my way to get to know the others better, and for them to get to know me. Even if it takes me years.

Take bubbles and crisps, enough for everyone to share. Then focus on two or three mums at a time, not the whole group at once, but make sure by then end you've had an exchange with everyone.


WhoNickedMyName Thu 25-Jul-13 14:17:01

In this situation you've got to go along and act like you believe they all genuinely want you to be there. If you go with the "oh they didn't really want me here" that will come across, and you'll be shy and awkward.

Fake it 'till you make it!

celestialbows Thu 25-Jul-13 18:29:37

Oh wow I've just got home and seen all your lovely messages, thank yo that's so nice to know that others understand and to see such kind words, I was expecting to be told IABU and to grow up!
Well, we went, I couldn't justify not going and hellsbellsmelons message made a lot of sense.
Funny enough the one who had been doing most of the discussing in front of me didn't actually turn up and there were a couple of other newbies there plus people I knew from different circles.
Everyone was welcoming and I felt included which was really nice as I was so nervous, the children had a great time and it will make it easier for me to approach them in future.
I'm so pleased I went because I nearly deviated several time en route!

hellsbellsmelons Fri 26-Jul-13 09:43:05

So glad you went along and enjoyed yourself.
It all turned out good in the end.
Well done for going.
Onwards and upwards now!

Bringmewineandcake Fri 26-Jul-13 10:41:19

Yay! Well done grin
I'm really glad you had a good time

celestialbows Sat 27-Jul-13 06:42:05

Thanks ladies, this can be a turning point!

TimeofChange Sat 27-Jul-13 07:59:12

So glad you went and it turned out well.
I was never in with the in crowd so know exactly how you felt.

celestialbows Tue 30-Jul-13 06:11:29

Hey timeofchange I have never been 'in' with any crowd either so I'm ever really sure how these things work!

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