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to be fed up with this and to have really lost respect for dh.

(80 Posts)
martini84 Thu 25-Jul-13 08:48:50

I posted on here before re dh for shouting at the dc for no not putting rubish in bin etc etc.
We had a gentle discussion about this which didn't go brilliantly but I thought at least its out in the open.
However, nothing has changed.
Every night he leave a mug or glass where sits. I have to move these as we have an exploring baby. One night he left his tablets within baby's reach.
If he has a beer he leave empty bottle, lid and bottle opener on the side.
Whenever he does a diy he leave drill, socket sets etc wherever he was doing job.
I can clean the whole kitchin and within minutes he will cut a pizza or bread and create more crumbs.
Clothes get thrown on floor after wear. I ignore ones in our bedroom but I am now finding socks etc all over the house.
I am so fed up.
Aibu to ask how on earth can I get him to clean up after himself.
I largely sahm so do the housework but this is just making life impossible and I am feeling resentful.

ernesttheBavarian Wed 31-Jul-13 23:44:50

And here endeth the lecture. ( I hope)

DoJo Mon 29-Jul-13 16:39:13

Every man needs his own space in his home.
Leaving crap everywhere and expecting your wife to wade through it isn't because you 'need space', it's because you're an entitled arse. If you don't give a shit whether your behaviour makes your partner unhappy, then it's not because you haven't got somewhere to call your own, that's a luxury, it's because you don't value your partner and don't care that you are making things difficult for them.

atrcts Mon 29-Jul-13 13:38:47

It often ends up with the person who 'sees' the dirt being the person who cleans it, because they're getting what they want (which is cleanliness to their standard) as they've ensured its done by their own personal effort!

atrcts Mon 29-Jul-13 13:36:23

The trouble is - how do you persuade a partner that cleaning needs to be done?

Everyone has their own ideas about how often and how thorough a job needs to be done, and there can be a stalemate where there is no agreement reached about who wins. Do the beds get charged weekly or monthly, does the floor get mopped twice week or fortnightly, and so on.

Some people would Hoover daily, I wouldn't. But I also wouldn't want to be forced to do it daily if I didn't see that it needed to be done. I'd think of it as a bit OCD and a waste of my time.

My partner and I have different thresholds for dirt. He doesn't 'see' the dirt everywhere like I do, and he honesty thinks my standards are too high because they are completely different to his.

So who wins?

StuntGirl Mon 29-Jul-13 12:27:34

I agree with AF. Seriously, where's the fucking common respect between partners? He couldn't give a shit about picking up his own dirty clothes, so he left them. His wife finally stopped running round and picking up after him, so he eventually goes to the great hardship of just picking up what, days? weeks? worth of washing and dumping it in the basket, again creating more work than necessary for his wife.

Does he have no hands? Perhaps he lost all his fingers in a terrible accident. Perhaps that is why he is seemingly incapable of using a washing machine or picking things up.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jul-13 11:45:20

good for you, FP

perhaps more men will learn that women are not domestic appliances if we simply stop accepting it in our relationships

FanjoPaterson Mon 29-Jul-13 11:37:33

This thread just reminds me how glad I am to have LTB. <looks around tidy house happily>

XDP was much the same as your OH, OP. I couldn't take it once the attitude spilled over into other aspects of our relationship and shipped him back to his dad.

breakingup Mon 29-Jul-13 10:28:41

Inspiring as usual AF

AnyFucker Sun 28-Jul-13 22:30:00

god, this thread is depressing

who are these women who act like handmaidens to their men ?

in this day and age...this is really still happening ?

for god's sake, find some balls...or pass on the same damaging lessons to your kids

possess a penis ? do no shitwork...

possess a vagina...you are a mug who picks up after self-entitled princes

please, get some self respect and teach your daughters (and sons) something better

martini84 Sun 28-Jul-13 22:14:20

Time for another chat. Nothing is changing. No worries about derailment. In a strange way its good to know I am not alone. Thanks for tips. I already won't was unless in washbasket. This backfires as once a month the whole lot gets dumped in the basket.

alwaysinamuckingfuddle Sun 28-Jul-13 22:04:48

I would (like some of the others have suggested)...

Sweep through the house once a day with a black bin liner and drop all of his random crap into it... mugs of tea, blister packs of pills, shoes, underwear, socks, clothes, books, magazines. I would then stick it in the garage.

You can always buy mugs from the charity shop if you start running low...

breakingup Sun 28-Jul-13 21:35:47

If its not supposed to be there and it's been there longer than a day I throw it in the bin. We cannot afford to replace so he goes without.

I have threatened strike a few times.

Bumblebee78 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:33:14

Sorry there was no help or advice there! Just hope it makes you feel better knowing that omeone else feels your pain!

Bumblebee78 Sun 28-Jul-13 21:30:23

Sorry, im new to this and not sure of the abbreviations of dh and dd etc. I was reading his thread and had to join in, just to let off steam, hope that is ok? My hubby just doesnt see all the crap in the house, he just steps over things i leave at the bottom of the stairs for the next person to take up. Is it only me who seems to know this rule? Wrappers, bottle tops etc are left on the kitchen side, right next to the bloody bin, just put it in! I dont think he does it on purpose, he just doesnt see it.
What gets me most at the moment is that we both work full time, yet it always seems to fall on me to do all the shopping, all the planning of activities to do, and who does all the thinking about logistics such as packing bags for days out, getting pressies for parties, how to best get too and from etc...just today we went to a farm we'd been to a few times before, he even had the sat nav on but still asked me directions.
Im so fed up of having to think all the time. I feel like i have 3 kids to look after and think it would be easier on my own sometimes. He isnt mean and loves me to bits, think he is just oblivious to how shattered i am, even though i have told him im struggling at times. He helps out or a couple of weeks then slips back. Then i feel mardy for nagging, lazy for asking for help and guilty that i cant do it all. Rant over!

MoonlightandRoses Sun 28-Jul-13 21:15:34

YANBU - if he doesn't see the need to clean up for him fine, but why does he

a) want to continue doing something that clearly upsets you, the person he professes to love and;
b) choose to teach his children, whom he also, presumably, professes to care for, that he is a hypocrite?

Sorry to be blunt, but, from your posts, it sounds like he cares for no-one but himself.

GiantHaystacks Sun 28-Jul-13 20:33:22

He has no respect for you. You are his cleaner, not his wife. Even if he changes you will know how he really regards you at heart. Accept this or leave him.

MrsKoala Sun 28-Jul-13 19:36:53

Sadly not in that hemisphere Ginger. In Canada. sad

Yes, apologies Martini i went on a bit of a MErailment there blush

Would a rota work with your DH?

DrCoconut - i love the emptying bin discussions just before holiday: Dh - 'why are you fussing around with the bins/emptying the fruit bowl/pouring the milk away? just do them when we get back (in 3 weeks)' Me - 'Hmm don't you think the house will smell rancid by then?' DH - [blank face] Me - confused

martini84 Sun 28-Jul-13 19:28:03

No problem ginger. Off to read bits I missed.

DrCoconut Sat 27-Jul-13 19:36:12

I too have a DH who doesn't see mess, doesn't care about tidiness or personal appearance etc. he doesn't even care what people think so that doesn't work. I could never walk down the street in dirty, wrinkled clothes or leave dishes for a week stinking in the sink. He can and would unless I nagged solidly. We're getting ready for holiday at the minute and I'm trying to persuade him that we can't just go and leave bins unemptied, clothes all over etc.

Beastofburden Sat 27-Jul-13 18:07:03

A friend of mine has six kids and no money. She imposed a Saturday morning routine where everyone had to stop what they were doing and spend an hour on the house. Each child and her dh had their thing to do. In between she lived with it as it was. What worked about that was setting a family time where everyone had to do their bit and nobody got to bunk off. Nt sure if that's worth a go?

GingerBlondecat Sat 27-Jul-13 17:36:49

I do hope martini84 doesn't mind her thread being hijacked OOpps

Apologies martini84* I would like to hear more from you sweetheart flowers

To everyone on this thread, I totally understand. I've given up, take my antidepressants like a good girl and shaddup about the trail of mess he leaves.

But In secrete, at night, I'm planning mischief with all the wayward junk Bwahahahaha.

MrsKoala, if you start your own thread,I'll post on it, I'll join dastardly forces with you, If you are in Oz, We can plan our revenge Bwahaha

StuntGirl Sat 27-Jul-13 16:23:18

omg who said about apple cores? All 3 of my s love apples. Then forget about the cores. Last time we moved I found double figures of decomposed cores all over. I find cores all over the house, behind cushions, in the garden, on the window sill in the toilet, everywhere.

Fucking seriously Bavarian? I can only presume since you are the one twatting about cleaning up after them all like toddlers that you are also the one buying food for them - so stop buying apples.

The shit some of you are willing to put up with astounds me.

MewlingQuim Sat 27-Jul-13 16:02:17

DD started putting her dirty clothes in the wash basket aged 14 months, it finally seemed to shame DH into putting his there too. 15 years of nagging by me had failed to achieve this hmm

He still walks past the kitchen bin and leaves the rubbish by the sink with the crockery though angry

RandomMess Sat 27-Jul-13 15:28:11

I find threatening to tidy up by putting everything in a bin bag works well grin

I also have times when I tell everyone the downstairs needs tidying and the dc know they have to help by gathering up their stuff and taking it to their rooms.

I also yell "shoes" a lot as they have an inversion to putting them away.

I am a messy person but will blitz the downstairs once a day usually.

Tidy kitchen in the mornings whilst my coffee is brewing.

Joanne279 Sat 27-Jul-13 15:21:07

This is my dp ALL over! I agree put in on his side of the bed until he gets the message.

Only wash clothes that are in the wash basket. When he has no pants etc exclaim in your best 'surprised' voice 'well there aren't any in the wash basket'

Or, my personal fave, scream like a wild woman until he gets the message! I hand my ds his socks and tell him to put them in the wash. I hand him every dirty glass/cup and tell him to wash it up.

I am a sahm too but I don't think it gives a partner a right to be blooming lazy!

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