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To be annoyed MIL has kicked off potty training!

(106 Posts)
ODearMe Wed 24-Jul-13 21:16:14

DS is 2.5 years old and is looked after by my MIL (whom I love dearly) twice a week while I work.

He is still in nappies and I am beginning to think about potty training but don't really believe he is ready to fully start.

MIL is keen to get him out of nappies. We discussed it over dinner recently (she brought it up) and she suggested the summer holidays might be a good time to do it, as DS would have a break from playgroup.
I said I didn't think he was ready but she had a point about the timings. We left it at that.

When I picked DS up from her house today, I was put out that she had bought him some pants and he had been wearing them all day! She said she was just trying him to see how he got on with it.

AIBU to be livid about this?!

catkind Wed 24-Jul-13 22:33:32

YANBU at all. It's up to you how and when you want to PT, and MIL doing her own thing at her own time could at worst royally screw it up, at best isn't really going to help because it won't be consistent with the days he's with you.

Emilythornesbff Wed 24-Jul-13 22:33:58

I don't think you are b u. I would feel miffed in your position.
And I fucking hate the term"PFB"
Your MIL is providing childcare which is great and I'm sure you see how lucky you are to have that (bla bla bla) but a decision about coming out of pants shouldn't be made unilaterally by her IMHO.
But maybe it's better to go with the flow a bit now that he's started.
Is it possible that She misinterpreted the conversation you had and thought it was all good to go?

threestars Wed 24-Jul-13 22:39:57

Really not. She doesn't necessarily know your plans for the next week or so (and neither does she need to know) and for potty training you have to dedicate yourself to it for a few days. She has determined when it takes place, not you and I would be fed up too.
I have a MIL who has helped out alot with childcare (as well as my own mother, who would never consider taking anything into her own hands). She often oversteps the mark as to what is a grandmother's role and what is a mother's role yet in anyone else's eyes she is marvellous - and she has often told my friends how run off her feet she is by looking after my children (when she has requested to pick them up and not because I've asked her!).
Can you tell I was about to post a new thread on AIBU? grin
Anyhow, unfortunately in these situations you often have to simmer and accept, but in future when any of these milestones are mentioned, I would suggest you be completely clear that it is YOUR responsibility and decision, not her's, so if she oversteps the mark you can tell her.

MerylStrop Wed 24-Jul-13 22:45:10

YABU, you don't have to follow through.
It isn't a magic moment, or something that you can only try to do once.
Let him fanny around in pants at her house and wee on her floor. If he starts getting somewhere, great, if not, no worries.
"she was just trying him to see how he got on with it" . See no problem with that at all!
(jaded parent of three)

wispawoman Thu 25-Jul-13 17:23:13

I seem to remember that 20+ years ago most children were potty trained around the 2 mark (unless SN). However that might be because nappy buckets were revolting and we couldn't wait to be free of them. My eldest took a week of bribing with sweets alongside my best friend's child (we booked out a week to stay round the house and train!) My second took about a day at just over 2. Have children changed that much? After that very few accidents - night time came later. I sometimes wonder if leaving it so late makes it more of an issue for both mum and child.

MrsSparkles Thu 25-Jul-13 17:28:01

Livid might be a little much. My mum decided to start potty training my DD (at 2.5), and she's done brilliantly. It was v inconvenient as we were moving house and didn't have a washing machine, but she was obviously ready

I agree just let him potter around - no pressure and see how it goes.

Jinty64 Thu 25-Jul-13 17:51:25

YANBU I would be annoyed too. Buy some terry towelling trainer pants to use at home. He will still feel wet but less pee on the carpet etc and give it a couple of weeks. If it doesn't work go back to nappies and tell MIL you will let her know when you are ready to try again.

SwishSwoshSwoosh Thu 25-Jul-13 17:55:57

YANBU, she overstepped. I would just say he's not ready. The fact she is helping with child care doesn't give someone the right to overstep normal boundaries.

I would be polite but very clear. Her response will tell you whether it was a kindhearted misguided attempt to help or the start of serious MIL issues.

FirstStopCafe Thu 25-Jul-13 17:55:59

Yes she has him twice a week but he is with you more often. She can't potty train him in one day can she? Youneed to be in agreement as I can't imagine inconsistency helps.

maddening Thu 25-Jul-13 18:00:08

Yanbu - as the PT process requires consistency and you are the one doing it 5/7 of the time and 7/7 evenings - she can't arbitrarily decide you are doing it - really you may want to plan that week or two - eg no big trips out, when you are all home etc.

diddl Thu 25-Jul-13 18:06:30

How is MIL doing the "hard work" when she has him two days a week compared to OPs 5?

It#s not much use if all the adults aren't on board!

diddl Thu 25-Jul-13 18:12:52

When is he usually at playgroup, & who will have him in those times?

wonderingsoul Thu 25-Jul-13 18:14:06

i think livid is a bit harsh.
you didnt say a flat out no.. to me the conversation was just thinking out lolud with no real answer or plan

i also think it depends how she did it, did she make him sit on it every 30 minutes or so? if so thats bit more full on.

how ever, if she just let him wear the pants, with a potty in veiw then its not really training just allowing him to do what he likes.
which for what its worth i think is the best way. both of mine where allowed no nappy on at home , they liekd sitting on it and soon relized if they did any thing on it they got prais but if they had an accideant it was.. opps lets clean it up. no fuss and they pretty much train them selfs.

nannynewo Thu 25-Jul-13 20:08:02

You need to make sure you do it when he is ready. But perhaps your MIL thought he seemed ready to be trained now which is why she bought him the pants. It sounds to me like you are the one who isn't ready rather than him. I could probably be totally wrong though.

I know that a lot of children are able to start pre school around here around 3 and have to be out of nappies. so may be worth testing him soon.

ThePinkOcelot Thu 25-Jul-13 20:20:47

He is 2.5. YABU!

elspethmcgillicuddy Thu 25-Jul-13 20:46:37

My mum did this the week after I brought home dd from hospital shock. DS was 2.8 and I wasn't ready. I felt I had enough on my plate. He, however was ready. It was an absolute doddle and I was actually really grateful to my mum for kicking me into gear. Good luck!

catkind Thu 25-Jul-13 20:47:26

I don't think it matters if OP's son is ready to train, it's still totally out of order for GPs to unilaterally start. The parents may have wanted to use a particular method. They may have wanted to prepare child by talking about it first. They may have wanted to go out and buy first pants together as a nice milestone motivational thing.

1944girl Thu 25-Jul-13 21:30:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissDuke Thu 25-Jul-13 21:36:16

I would have felt like this with my first child. However, now I have my 3rd - I would literally pay someone to do it for me!

Iheartcustardcreams Thu 25-Jul-13 21:47:59

I think it's a generation thing. My dad started training ds1 when he was 2.4. Kept telling me he was two and shouldn't be in nappies, it annoyed me but I let him do it on the days he had him. He got it pretty quickly but I agree you have to be ready. I did ds2 at the same age and if anyone wants to do ds3 they are more than welcome.....

On the other side my mum put ds1 back in nappies after he was fully trained because he had a couple of accidents with her, this annoyed me much more!!

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Thu 25-Jul-13 21:56:24

Honestly, just be thankful; summer is a good time and most nurseries want them out of nappies by 2yrs 9 mths.

Not worth falling out over.

Twattybollocks Thu 25-Jul-13 21:59:14

Yab a bit u. Yes it is your decision to make ultimately, and she probably should have checked with you first, but in the grand scheme of things it won't hurt him and at least you don't have to do it. Speaking of which does she want to do my dd in a couple of years?

ODearMe Thu 25-Jul-13 22:17:58

Have spoken to MIL and told her I that I realise it is coming to the time where we need to go for it but it is important that all involved are fully on board and singing from the same hymn sheet.
Have decided to start proper training on Tuesday of next week as we have a lot of commitments over the weekend which would disrupt the training.
Thanks again all for support and advice.

Greensleeves Thu 25-Jul-13 22:27:51

My (misanthropic, jaundiced) instinct would suggest watching her methods and manner, if you do let her go ahead with training him. Sometimes people from the "mine were all dry at 12 months" tradition also favour a more severe style of training.

Personally I think there's no hurry. If you don't think he's ready, tell her to pack it in.

Xihha Thu 25-Jul-13 22:40:36

I can see why you are annoyed but I would really love someone else to have potty trained mine, I hated potty training! If he did fairly well today then personally I would carry it on as stopping and starting potty training could be confusing for him.

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