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to be annoyed that 'playdate' turned out to be a birthday party?

(64 Posts)
FCEK Tue 23-Jul-13 18:32:31

I'll give a wee bit of background as I don't want to drip feed.

My DD is in her first year of primary. The mother of one of them is a bit strange. Other mothers have commented on this also. She does not appear to enjoy conversation - not responding or acting irritated that you have tried to speak to her.

If my DD went up to her DD to give that girl a hug goodbye at home time, the mum would pull her daughter away and shoot me a dirty look hmm

Last week, she sent me a Facebook message. I was surprised as we don't have mutual friends and also because my privacy settings mean I shouldnt be 'found' but anyway...the message was asking if my DD would like to come to her house for a playdate with her DD.

I was taken aback but said it would be nice and agreed as DD does like her DD. I arranged for DM to drop her off and pick her up as DM watches DD whilst I'm at work.

I arrived home from work at my DMs to pick up DD and DM tells me when she dropped DD off, there was a 'happy birthday' sign on the door. DM thought maybe it was the mum's birthday or something but there are about 10 other kids there. DM is embarrassed as DD did not have a present with her, nor was she dressed for a party - just casual and a bit wet as she had apparently jumped in a puddle on the way there blush.

The mum said she didn't want anyone bringing presents (which I think is a shame for her DD). according to my DM, DD was visibly uncomfortable at the fact she was not the only one there, that she didn't know the other kids etc (she's normally confident).

AIBU to think its unfair to let me and my DD think she was the only one invited, for DD to feel special (it was to be her first ever 'grown up' playdate that didn't involve going to next door neighbours houses), to not enable DD to bring a present (it seems other kids did), to embarrass us, and to think its downright ODD not to say something is a birthday party when it is?

hurricanewyn Tue 23-Jul-13 20:26:47

I've done this - kinda

For one of DS's birthdays we couldn't afford a party, so we invited three of his friends over for a playdate - we had a nicer tea than normal and had birthday cake for pudding.

I didn't tell the parents because I didn't want a big fuss from them - we weren't having a big party or party bags. DS had a lovely time though, with his friends there.

Might it be the same for this woman?

Whothefuckfarted Tue 23-Jul-13 20:32:32

Being considered odd isn't a crime.

zatyaballerina Tue 23-Jul-13 20:45:41

Maybe she phrased it as a 'playdate' to save from potential embarrassment if nobody else showed up? If she's that socially awkward then she's probably been on the receiving end of rejection herself and feared that for her daughter?

Helltotheno Tue 23-Jul-13 20:49:10

I can't believe you're making such an issue out of something so small. My DD would've mucked in... the more the merrier for her, and birthday cake to boot.. sorry but aren't most kids pretty happy with that scenario??

Yes a little embarrassing to find that it's a birthday party and you have nothing but you weren't told. Nobody expects you to be a mind reader! Also, you could've just given her a fiver from your purse, that's what I would've done.

I think you need to manage the message here with your DD and not make such a big deal out of it. I'm quite sure your DD minded a lot less than you're saying and you've just projected your feelings on her.
So what if this woman doesn't conform to your idea of normal?! You're talking about her as though she's an axe murderer and to be avoided at all costs!

xylem8 Wed 24-Jul-13 20:29:29

I wont say/do anything and just let it go

MissStrawberry Wed 24-Jul-13 20:41:43

I can't get my head around talk of wanting to feel special, first grown up play date etc.

Play date has to be one of the most annoying phrases ever.

kinkyfuckery Wed 24-Jul-13 20:47:52

If your DD didn't know anyone else there, I'm assuming she was the only one from school. Could it have been a surprise party and she didn't want your DD spilling the beans?

Floggingmolly Wed 24-Jul-13 20:51:02

God yes, zatyaballerina, that's very possible. How sad sad

Jinty64 Wed 24-Jul-13 21:30:45

YANBU even if she didn't want to say it was a party she would have been better to have said she was "having a few friends" over.

Helltotheknow you daughter might have "mucked in" but my ds2 would definitely not have done. He would not have stayed if he had found a house load of children he didn't know. If I invite friends to play I would always let parents know who else would be there and would expect them to do the same.

BridgetBidet Wed 24-Jul-13 22:45:48

Hmmm, are you part of a 'group' at the school gates. You sound like you might be. Are you sure you've not just taken against this mother because she's not one to get involved with groups?

FreudiansSlipper Wed 24-Jul-13 22:53:44


i really can not understand what the problem is confused

op maybe you need to find a hobby

Hrrrm Wed 24-Jul-13 23:01:18

Oh FFS. Stop trying to see this mum as 'odd'. Good for you that you know all the ridiculous rules for how children are supposed to socialise. Perhaps she doesn't. Is she British or from another country? Perhaps it is considered odd by some people to just run towards others to hug them? (No idea if this is the case anywhere, but your rules aren't the be all and end all.)

Why don't you get to know her and find out more? Or would you be considered odd by your circle if you did this?

I'd find it a little bit odd if a child went to a summer camp or whatever and then went on a play date straight after. Isn't this exhausting for small children? If I'd been the hosting mum, I'd feel as if that child had to squeeze that play date into their busy schedule, so my child might not feel special.

(I do get the point about autism though. I'm not autistic, but I definitely like to know what kind of situation I'm going to find myself in. I'd not be comfortable at all with an unexpectedly large number of people. When I know in advance it's fine though.)

BridgetBidet Wed 24-Jul-13 23:18:46

Hrrm, you've said it better than I did. Just because the Mum doesn't particularly want to be part of the school gate set her daughter has been blacklisted and the OP has really taken against her for no good reason.

I bet part of the reason she did it like this was because she thought otherwise the invitation would be turned down out of spite.

Wbdn28 Wed 24-Jul-13 23:54:07

> From what you say of the mum, it may be that she struggles a little socially - sometimes getting things wrong. Some people are like that - it doesn't make them horrible people.

Totally agree with the above. I think she's shy and finds it hard to make small talk and keep up a smiling, confident face. Why not stop judging her and be a bit kinder to her?

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