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AIBU?

To be mad my MIL and FIL for demanding where our wedding is held and threatening not to attend if its anywhere else?

53 replies

Momofthreeloudkids · 23/07/2013 18:23

DH- (fiancée technically but we already call each other husband and wife.) Incase anyones confused because i call him my DH in other posts. :) We have been together 9yrs and have 3 wonderful kids. I have always been the "outsider" when it comes to my DH family. It used to bother me and I tried hard to become part of their family with no success. Now I just accept that I'm the outsider but stay friendly and continue to go to family things.

A year ago we got engaged and my DH asked me if we could have the wedding in either Mexico or Hawaii. I agreed as that's his one request. I would love a beautiful beach wedding too but it really doesn't matter to me where we get married. When we talked to his parents and I tried to include them in our planning they straight up told us " get married locally or in Las Vegas or we will not come to your wedding". My DH and I were very upset and hurt by this. I was more hurt for him than myself. They claim they're not beach people. Las Vegas they love and go a couple times a year because they like gambling. My DH refuses to have a Las Vegas wedding because he feels that they will spend the entire time gambling and it won't be a fun family vacation/ wedding if we do that. My DH has told me to go ahead with the planning but I just can't. I didn't feel right about getting married without his family being present and we've had no luck changing their minds.

His sister has been married twice - once in Hawaii and once in the United States. (They travelled to both these weddings) His brother has also been married twice - Both these weddings were in Canada but there was still travelling involved. Money is not an issue for his parents so Its not that they couldn't afford to travel to our wedding.

I feel like they are being difficult because they don't want him to marry me and its breaking my heart. His father had the audacity to say " you better only get married once because I'm only going to one wedding" right in front of me! I was mortified by this and hurt.

Sorry this is so long... Anyways, we are going to go ahead with the wedding planning and stop waiting for them to come around. Am I being unreasonable to be angry at them? And not plan the wedding where they want it?

OP posts:
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Bigwuss · 23/07/2013 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 23/07/2013 18:26

Of course YANBU. It's your and DP's wedding, to host where you wish. Weird controlling parents can attend or not - the point is, you marry where you choose and they can FO.

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Onesleeptillwembley · 23/07/2013 18:27

Why would you call him husband if he's not? Are you pretending?Hmm

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LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 23/07/2013 18:27

YANBU.
His parents are being very unreasonable and appear to be playing favourites.
Book your wedding as you want it, it is your day!
Send them an invite and they can either turn up or not.
My Dad tried to say where I had to get married. I booked where I wanted, and he did show up, though he sulked all day...

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goonyagoodthing · 23/07/2013 18:29

Stick with your original plan. If you give in on this you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of it.

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angeltattoo · 23/07/2013 18:29

Plan the wedding you and DF want. Invite the ILs. Then they can decide if they go.

Unfortunately it won't make it any less hurtful if they don't attend, but there really is nothing else you can do.

Don't have the wedding they demand - they don't deserve that, and you will regret it. You can't please all the people, so please yourslves. Anyone who genuinely loves and cares for you will happily go along with your plans.

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wilkos · 23/07/2013 18:30

YANBU most definitely! What awful people. Plan your wedding where YOU want it. If they don't come it's their loss and they look petty and ridiculous.

Your poor DH Sad

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jammiedonut · 23/07/2013 18:31

Very helpful response there one sleep.
Yanbu, it's your special day and your dh has already said to go ahead without them. I say sod them, why you would want anyone at your wedding who treats you as they have done is beyond me. It always strikes me as odd the rubbish some will put up with for the sake of 'family'. As long as your dh is happy, do what you like.

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GiantHaystacks · 23/07/2013 18:32

I had a friend who got married 25 years ago and wanted a small wedding with a small reception in a stately home afterwards. Her parents took over and made it into a massive affair with loads of bridesmaids, loads of guests and a massive meal and disco afterwards. She has always regretted letting her parents take over her big day and has just had a 25 year anniversary blessing to finally have the wedding she really wanted.

If you capitulate to the in-laws you will feel resentful on your big day and you will always regret it afterwards. Have the wedding you want.

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ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 23/07/2013 18:33

I'm sorry if you won't be there, obviously we'll miss you.If you change your mind you are welcome to come, if not, wwe'll make sure we give you a set of the photos.

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CruCru · 23/07/2013 18:33

Which would you prefer, Mexico or Hawaii? Pick the one you like the best and sod them. They sound ghastly.

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SlangWhanger · 23/07/2013 18:35

I wouldn't worry about them. Only worry about yourself and your DH (to be). They are his family and his problem. I would not get in any discussions with them at all. If they try to talk to you about it I would back out the room and tell them to speak to their son.

Congrats on your engagement Thanks

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merrymouse · 23/07/2013 18:35

So you can get married where you want and these rather uncharming people have promised not to come.

Smile and enjoy your wedding.

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spanky2 · 23/07/2013 18:35

I didn't read all your details . It is your day. They've had theirs . Get married where you and your dh want . If they don't come they are missing out and have more to lose than you.

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GiantHaystacks · 23/07/2013 18:36

Alternatively you could tell them you are getting married in Tora Bora and actually buy them tickets.

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Mabelface · 23/07/2013 18:37

Get married where you want. It's not up to them.

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SarahAndFuck · 23/07/2013 18:37

Do as you please.

They are the ones deciding not to attend.

Stick to your guns, keep telling them they are welcome and you hope they attend. But don't change your plans or allow yourself to be blackmailed. This is their choice and it won't be your fault if they miss the wedding. Do what you like as you will always regret it otherwise.

And lots of unmarried people say DH/DW if they have been together for a long time, especially when using abbreviations on the internet. It makes things clearer than DF which can be fiancé, father or friend.

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Bowlersarm · 23/07/2013 18:38

It's not their wedding. It's yours. Decide with your DH what you want to do and invite IL s. hopefully they'll come round to the idea and join you, but ultimately it's your decision.

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spanky2 · 23/07/2013 18:39

I didn't read the details because when it comes down to it what they think doesn't matter not because I am rude.

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Momofthreeloudkids · 23/07/2013 18:41

Onesleeptillwembley we have been together so long that other people started calling him my husband and I his wife. It's not that we are pretending but that we already see ourselves as married. It's very normal to me that I didn't realize it would seem strange to others. :)

To everyone else that has posted - Thank you! I needed to hear all you have said!

OP posts:
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TarkaTheOtter · 23/07/2013 18:41

So long as your dp agrees, call their bluff. I bet they come.

Also, why shouldn't OP call her partner DH if she wants. What does it really matter?

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gamerchick · 23/07/2013 18:41

Have the wedding you want or you will regret it I promise. I had the please family member wedding (my daughter) and I want to do it again my way in a few years. It's your day and if they don't go then they don't go. let them crack on.

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Justforlaughs · 23/07/2013 18:43

Honestly, I'd get married where we wanted to and invite them to a big party locally afterwards. I wouldn't allow them to make this decision for me and my DH. Just make sure that your DH is happy with whatever you decide. He must feel torn in half at the moment, but if he is happy to ignore their controlling behaviour then just go for it.

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QuickLookOverThere · 23/07/2013 18:46

It's your and your OH's day - do what you want. A beach wedding in Hawaii or Mexico sounds really lovely. Suggest your PILs renew their vows, if they try to dictate again, then they can have whatever kind of day they want!

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Bowlersarm · 23/07/2013 18:47

Omg onesleep are you always like this. Or are you just trying to upset all the OPs tonight?

(Sorry, for go off the subject OP)

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