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To not allow my friends to use my house for a party?

(173 Posts)
GiantHaystacks Tue 23-Jul-13 17:22:21

I have a friend, let's call her Rose, and she is always volunteering me for things and putting me on the spot with people. Usually this means I end up (resentfully) going along with things I have no wish do do and sometimes this means I say 'no' to things and have people think I am a bit of a cow. I hate that I am always being put in these situations not of my own creation.

Example 1 of Rose's behaviour - I bought a new dress for an important work event. It was way too expensive but I loved it and knew I would be wearing it for years. Another friend was going to a posh wedding and didn't have anything to wear. 'Don't worry,' Rose said. 'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress. She'll let you borrow that.' So even before I had worn the dress myself I had to lend it to someone else or look unreasonable.

Example 2 of Rose's behaviour - Another friend was going away on holiday for two weeks and wanted someone to pop into her house and feed her cats. 'Don't worry,' said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks works from home. She'll be able to pop over twice a day and do this. Why don't you ask her?' On this occasion I refused (and felt terribly guilty) but the friend lived miles away and I am massively allergic to cats. You could see the friend thought I was being a selfish cow as Rose had made out to her that this would be no problem for me.

The latest event might just be the last straw. Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard. 'Don't worry', said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks has a great big garden. Why not hold the party at her house? That way you can make it a surprise party.' The two of them planned away and presented the whole thing to me as a fait accompli. The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working. I told them this and Rose said ( I am not even joking here) 'Well, you could just stay in your bedroom. We'll do all the work.' I couldn't believe the nerve of this and still said 'no' and now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans. I was so annoyed that they had spent a couple of weeks planning a party at my house without even thinking they had to ask me first.

Rose is an old friend but not someone I feel I have anything in common with anymore. She makes a lot of demands on me and my time and places a lot of expectations on me. She seems to think that as I work from home my time is her's and doesn't appreciate that I am not always available to socialise with her whenever she wants me to. AIBU in wanting to shake her off and how do you think I could do this?

Dackyduddles Tue 23-Jul-13 17:55:17

Well rose is weird and def u need to cancel this toxic friendship.

But why do you agree? Seriously you are enabling this nasty woman! Bet nobody else treats you this way so why on earth have you given her the privilege?! Read your op back, do u not see that you are also allowing this?

thebody Tue 23-Jul-13 17:55:32

email or phone the party friend and tell her you weren't asked and absolutely no way will you ever be allowing anyone except yourself to hold a party at your house.

tell her if she had really thought about it then commen sense would tell her that.

I would simply ignore Rose from now on. ignore phone / texts and emails and if she knocks on your door don't let her in and just tell her you are furious with her behaviour and the friendship is over.

be strong... she's a leach and you will be so relived when she's out of your life.

Viviennemary Tue 23-Jul-13 17:56:14

Just simply say No, I'm afraid that just simply isn't possible. Sorry. And then no more. I had a colleague once who did this at times. It really worked with pushy people. And then when they started the oh but's she'd say I'm afraid not.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Jul-13 17:57:06

She is barking mad! I'm so sorry for you about the dress - that is really awful. Has the woman actually borrowed it yet? If not, I'd be cancelling that. And the bbq is just ridiculous. How dare they plan a party in someone else's house?

The other friends are as bad, though. Who the hell do they think they are?

PosyNarker Tue 23-Jul-13 17:59:33

Illness happens to arseholes as well as good people. She sounds utterly manipulative and unpleasant.

Bumblequeen Tue 23-Jul-13 17:59:52

I know of someone who offers my services when the person is standing right there. I have in the past said yes for fear of looking unreasonable but will now say point blank no.

Yanbu. Your friend is taking advantage of you.

Twirlyhot Tue 23-Jul-13 18:00:19

Ok, let's practise.

<puts on piss taking hat>

What's that Bob? You need a kidney donor? GiantHaystacks has one she's not using!

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Jul-13 18:01:57

What was wrong with Rose's garden, btw? Wasn't it suitable?

Does she ever volunteer herself?

ChaosTrulyReigns Tue 23-Jul-13 18:02:35

You really need to prune Rose from your life.

I woukd like some more examples though.


GiantHaystacks Tue 23-Jul-13 18:04:39

The problem is I don't always agree to these things but Rose is always putting me in positions where, if I do stand up for myself, I end up looking unhelpful and selfish. I doubt if my other friend would have ever assumed she could use my garden for a party had Rose not put it into her mind.

Shaking her off fully is proving hard, no matter how blunt I am, as she is part of a wider circle of friends (most of whom I do like) and they seem determined to endure her presence as she has made them feel sorry for her.

Wbdn28 Tue 23-Jul-13 18:04:45

If your "friend" sends someone to you again, send them right back to her "Oh, she must have meant that she would feed them, as she loves cats!"

BOF Tue 23-Jul-13 18:05:37

"I never promised you a Rose garden,
So she shouldn't promise you a GiantHaystacks one either"

Hmm, doesn't really scan...

Buttercup4 Tue 23-Jul-13 18:06:00


Your 'friend' sounds like an arse.

If you want to remain friends I would say, "Rose, I dont want to make you feel awkward, however, I'm a bit annoyed about what happened the other day. I thought you put me in a really uncomfortable position and I didn't appreciate it. In future please ask me before volunteering my home."

If you don't want to remain friends I would say, "Rose, I've decided to run a support group to stand up for the rights of paedophiles & murderers and I've volunteered your home. We meet every night for 3 hours. Oh and you need to provide food. Thanks love! Gianthaystacks xx

RenterNomad Tue 23-Jul-13 18:06:52

You need to embarrass the fuck out of this woman, so she won't dare risk anyone (people she wants to impress, remember) seeing her as unable to "provide", a tightarse, a shitty friend to others, and, basicslly, a fantasist.

You don't even have to be rude when denying the "favour": just look uncomprehemding and either deny knowing Rose, or look embarrassed and say, "Sorry she's done this. It happens a lot and is rather embarrassing, but she hasn't actually asked me." See? Gracious, non-confrontational, entirely sympathetic and totally off the hook!

YoniMitchell Tue 23-Jul-13 18:11:14

Having cancer doesn't turn you into a twat.

Just tell her to fuck off, or just delete her from your phone and ignore her if you don't want to be so blunt. Otherwise I'll tell her to fuck off for you.

People like her make me really angry, but I'm also frustrated by people who let them get away with it. Be strong Gianthaystacks!

StealthPolarBear Tue 23-Jul-13 18:12:09

Where do all these people come from

Am lolling a bit at "'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress"

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 23-Jul-13 18:16:20

So what if you look unhelpful and selfish?

Practice your best outraged voice

I can't BELIEVE she would promise you that without talking to me!

friends will see that's unreasonable of her.

If all they can see if that you're not giving on demand then you have to ask if they're actually your friends.

Lol @ parmarella!

What's wrong with rose's house/garden?

Wbdn28 Tue 23-Jul-13 18:18:38

> "Sorry she's done this. It happens a lot and is rather embarrassing, but she hasn't actually asked me."

^ RenterNomad puts it perfectly!

Twirlyhot Tue 23-Jul-13 18:20:18

If you're worried about other people's reactions, then you could try laughing at her the next time she does it and changing the subject. Something along the lines of, 'Hey! if you want to loan out a wardrobe/house/organs why not offer your own!' Then a subject change.

thebody Tue 23-Jul-13 18:23:25

I don't think your other friends think you are selfish and unhelpful, I think YOU feel you are because you are a people pleaser.

I imagine your friends are embarrassed and know what she's like.

if you still want to remain acquaintances with her just start taking the piss, so when anyone in the group asks a favour laugh and say Rose will do it.

honestly Haystacks doormats are just as irritating as rose seems.

This is totally worthy of this thread about outrageously cheeky people.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Tue 23-Jul-13 18:23:53

'"Sorry she's done this. It happens a lot and is rather embarrassing, but she hasn't actually asked me."'

This is EXACTLY it.

And then change your number and don't talk to her, beyond being civil, when your group of friends gets together.

BMW6 Tue 23-Jul-13 18:24:17

There is a world of difference between being unhelpful and selfish, and a complete doormat!!!

Her behaviour is totally OUTRAGEOUS and the sooner you realise it, the better for you.

No REAL friend would behave like this, and no real friends would think for a moment that you were being selfish or unhelpful to refuse these demands. If they all do, then none of them are friends, you are just the butt of the group and they are all taking the piss.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Tue 23-Jul-13 18:24:18

Well, she is being unreasonable, but so are you in doing her bidding! As PPs have said, surely anyone expecting to host a party at your house would want to speak to you first and check it was actually ok, rather than trusting Rose the untrustworthy intermediary?!

I think part of your issue here is guilt. Big deal if she's offended if you won't do her a genuine favour, let alone a weird, contrived one like these sound to be.

Rose is not your friend. You owe her nothing. Do not be blackmailed into doing things you don't want to, end of.

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