To not allow my friends to use my house for a party?(173 Posts)
I have a friend, let's call her Rose, and she is always volunteering me for things and putting me on the spot with people. Usually this means I end up (resentfully) going along with things I have no wish do do and sometimes this means I say 'no' to things and have people think I am a bit of a cow. I hate that I am always being put in these situations not of my own creation.
Example 1 of Rose's behaviour - I bought a new dress for an important work event. It was way too expensive but I loved it and knew I would be wearing it for years. Another friend was going to a posh wedding and didn't have anything to wear. 'Don't worry,' Rose said. 'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress. She'll let you borrow that.' So even before I had worn the dress myself I had to lend it to someone else or look unreasonable.
Example 2 of Rose's behaviour - Another friend was going away on holiday for two weeks and wanted someone to pop into her house and feed her cats. 'Don't worry,' said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks works from home. She'll be able to pop over twice a day and do this. Why don't you ask her?' On this occasion I refused (and felt terribly guilty) but the friend lived miles away and I am massively allergic to cats. You could see the friend thought I was being a selfish cow as Rose had made out to her that this would be no problem for me.
The latest event might just be the last straw. Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard. 'Don't worry', said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks has a great big garden. Why not hold the party at her house? That way you can make it a surprise party.' The two of them planned away and presented the whole thing to me as a fait accompli. The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working. I told them this and Rose said ( I am not even joking here) 'Well, you could just stay in your bedroom. We'll do all the work.' I couldn't believe the nerve of this and still said 'no' and now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans. I was so annoyed that they had spent a couple of weeks planning a party at my house without even thinking they had to ask me first.
Rose is an old friend but not someone I feel I have anything in common with anymore. She makes a lot of demands on me and my time and places a lot of expectations on me. She seems to think that as I work from home my time is her's and doesn't appreciate that I am not always available to socialise with her whenever she wants me to. AIBU in wanting to shake her off and how do you think I could do this?
I hate Rose. You've been too nice for too long.
Rosie is a twat. I had a Rosie in my life once who did exactly the same sort of things, right down to the planning of the party at my house. I tried to talk to her about our problems, but she just wouldn't listen and kept brushing me off. So I stopped answering the phone to her. I haven't seen her for over 7 years. My life is much better for it.
ENormaSnob & themaltese - classic commentary.
I am baffled actually that all these other people go along with it... if someone volunteered a massive favour my way the first thing I'd do would be to say 'Gosh are you sure - have you asked her?' or 'Oh, thanks for letting me know - I'll check with her.'
I would just have a quiet word with her before it becomes even more customary as it currently appears to be.
I am personally seething about your dress. Everything else is shite too, but that one I would feel especially wounded by.
You aren't alone with the freeloading by the way - my DM recently said 'I'm fed up of going to X&Y's house for an event on behalf of the Z's'. But at least X&Y seem happy with the arrangement.
get shot of Rose now, she's not your friend, she sounds more like an irritating parasite.
I would just stop returning Rose's calls and phase her out.
As for: "now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans."
I think you need to speak to the friend. "Look, about the party. I know you spent a lot of time planning but it is completely impossible for you to hold your party in my house. Rose knew that, but she still told you it would be OK - but it wasn't. Then she didn't tell me what you two were planning at all until you had spent two weeks planning it. I expect you thought she had told me or that I had agreed but I didn't know anything about it. Seriously, if you found out that I had spent two weeks planning to have a party at YOUR house this weekend, and just sprung it on you this minute, would you be totally OK with it? Honestly? I am not blaming you at all but Rose should never have offered out MY house and garden without my knowledge. I am sorry for your disappointment, but it's just not possible."
Good God! "Rose" is NOT your friend (seems to me like she is really jealous of you & is doing all she can to get back at you) - nor is the one with the Birthday Husband!
I have never heard of such entitled, rude behaviour from "friends"
Tell them both to fuck off to the far side of Fuck, and when they get there fuck off some more.
Terrible Cunts, both of 'em
Oo, yes what Balloon Slayer said as well
Why do you have to? You don't have to, you choose to. Don't confuse have with choose. You have to if there's a gun against your head, not if you fear someone's going to think you're unreasonable!
Sorry, no. I don't know why rose said you could borrow my new dress, it was very expensive and I haven't even worn it myself yet.
You are going to have to tell rose to stop and tell her firmly!
And to anyone who gets the arse on because you won't go along with whatever rose decides, just be incredulous.
I can't believe rose can volunteer me for something without even checking with me and you can have an attitude with ME. Frankly, I feel used by the pair of you.
If you make it clear to rose that you won't be agreeing, maybe shell stop.
Or bat everything back to her.
Sorry, no. But since rose suggested it, I bet shed be happy to loan you hers/have it at her place/look afterbitherself.
She sounds like one of these people who likes to be a friend to everyone without doing any work
I should add that Rose had cancer three years ago and was extremely ill. I feel, however, that this is now something she uses to emotionally blackmail people into doing her bidding. When I refused to go on holiday with her last year in the week before Christmas (how did she think it was reasonable for a mum of three who works full-time to go off to Germany the week before Christmas?), she actually used the words 'Is this how you treat a cancer victim? This could be my last Christmas?' I knew she was in the wrong but I still felt terrible (especially as she said this in front of other people).
I have tried to shake her off before - she gets deeply offended, goes off in a huff, screaming blue murder, but then rings me up a few weeks later asking for a favour. She is the Rasputin of friendship as she just won't go away. I don't think many people truly like her but she is a master manipulator.
Because shit grows, where that rosemary goes...
Can you lock access to your garden at the weekend so they can't get in?
That'd give them the message.
Cancer or not, she is a terrible person. Get rid and stay rid.
What Balloonslayer just suggested.
Rose is a total fruitloop. You need to object! The friend who borrowed your dress, could you not have said "Sorry, that does not work for me, I am sure Rose has many pretty dresses you can chose from"
Turn it back on her!
Say "Rose, why do you offer MY house, why not your own? It is not really on to offer up other peoples stuff, you know"
Think you said it yourself there..master manipulater.
Cease contact. If you dont talk to her she can't manipulate you. Ignore, ignore, ignore. She will probably involve others..so what? Anyone with sense will see she is unreasonable
Oh and deffo tell "friend" that you NEVER agreed to host her DH's party, Rose has gone ahead planning despite your refusal, and you will not be hosting it. DO NOT offer excuses, nor apologies, as she was rude enough to take it for granted that it was OK with you.
(TBH, I think they know that they can push you around)
Rose sounds like a fuckwit.
Why don't you suggest that they hold this 50th birtday party in her office and she can just hide under her desk and do her work like that?
Seriously, people should ask first and they have no right to be upset if they don't. It seems as though Rose doesn't understand this simple concept. You might need to spell it out clearly, but in a tactful way.
She's treating you like a walkover because she thinks you are one. Stop acting like a walkover and see if she still wants to be your friend.
Anyone that uses their having cancer as a bargaining tool is not worth bothering with.
Tell Rose to fuck herself.
I know several people who have had cancer and are still lovely and normal.
The reason she keeps coming back is she knows she can walk all over you. YANBU to tell Rose to fuck off and stop volunteering you for things you don't want to do. And stop saying yes - you didn't have to lend your dress to anyone, you chose to. You can only be treated badly if you allow yourself to be. Take back the control in this relationship and call her out on her outrageous behaviour.
It sounds like a children's book.
Let me think what happens next:
Then one day the king said " I need me a wife"
Don't worry, said Rose, i have a friend with plenty of time to find you a wife.
When the king met Gianthaystacks he no longer thought about finding a wife, he had already found her!
Haystacks and the King lived happily ever after, until one day they had to go to Tesco to buy more pombears. Who will look after our big white tiger?
Don't worry, said haystacks, I know just the person!
Sadly they forgot to feed the tiger and when Rose wandered in, he had her for dinner.
The king was shocked, but haystacks said " don't worry dear king, she had it coming all along"
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