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To not allow my friends to use my house for a party?

(173 Posts)
GiantHaystacks Tue 23-Jul-13 17:22:21

I have a friend, let's call her Rose, and she is always volunteering me for things and putting me on the spot with people. Usually this means I end up (resentfully) going along with things I have no wish do do and sometimes this means I say 'no' to things and have people think I am a bit of a cow. I hate that I am always being put in these situations not of my own creation.

Example 1 of Rose's behaviour - I bought a new dress for an important work event. It was way too expensive but I loved it and knew I would be wearing it for years. Another friend was going to a posh wedding and didn't have anything to wear. 'Don't worry,' Rose said. 'Giant Haystacks has just bought a lovely new dress. She'll let you borrow that.' So even before I had worn the dress myself I had to lend it to someone else or look unreasonable.

Example 2 of Rose's behaviour - Another friend was going away on holiday for two weeks and wanted someone to pop into her house and feed her cats. 'Don't worry,' said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks works from home. She'll be able to pop over twice a day and do this. Why don't you ask her?' On this occasion I refused (and felt terribly guilty) but the friend lived miles away and I am massively allergic to cats. You could see the friend thought I was being a selfish cow as Rose had made out to her that this would be no problem for me.

The latest event might just be the last straw. Another friend wants to have a massive barbeque and garden party for her husband's fiftieth birthday but only has a small back yard. 'Don't worry', said Rose. 'Giant Haystacks has a great big garden. Why not hold the party at her house? That way you can make it a surprise party.' The two of them planned away and presented the whole thing to me as a fait accompli. The thing is, the Monday after the party I have an important work deadline to meet and I know I will need to spend that whole weekend working. I told them this and Rose said ( I am not even joking here) 'Well, you could just stay in your bedroom. We'll do all the work.' I couldn't believe the nerve of this and still said 'no' and now the friend is acting like I am the bitch who is spoiling her husband's big birthday plans. I was so annoyed that they had spent a couple of weeks planning a party at my house without even thinking they had to ask me first.

Rose is an old friend but not someone I feel I have anything in common with anymore. She makes a lot of demands on me and my time and places a lot of expectations on me. She seems to think that as I work from home my time is her's and doesn't appreciate that I am not always available to socialise with her whenever she wants me to. AIBU in wanting to shake her off and how do you think I could do this?

magimedi Tue 23-Jul-13 17:25:15

I would tell 'Rose' to fuck off to the far side etc.

Stop being so nice - honestly.

ENormaSnob Tue 23-Jul-13 17:27:12

Rose needs asassinating.

MarmiteNotVegemite Tue 23-Jul-13 17:27:41


I think you need to have a few polite rehearsed phrases to say -- not to Rose -- but to the other person who she's volunteering YOU to help. And then you need to have a blunt but polite few things to say to your "friend" Rose.

Such as "Rose, I would appreciate it if you did not volunteer my things/house/dress/time without consulting me first."

And then take her number out of your address book. She is no friend of yours -- she is passive-aggressive nasty. Or deranged.

I really feel for you, OP. You sound nice, but at the end of your tether.

themaltesefalcon Tue 23-Jul-13 17:27:50

Rose is a bit of a fuckhead, isn't she?

Volunteer her to feed someone's cat in Siberia. That should get rid of her.

Floralnomad Tue 23-Jul-13 17:28:35

I think both your 'friends' have an enormous cheek , presumably if its raining on the day of the party they would just move it inside your house !absolutely unbelievable . I think you really need to just tell 'rose' exactly how you feel , that should get rid of her .

AllDirections Tue 23-Jul-13 17:28:56

I agree with magimedi

Start asking Rose to do things for you that are totally out of order, she'll soon understand.

And learn to say no (practice makes perfect grin )

foslady Tue 23-Jul-13 17:29:23

I think Rose needs reminding that real friends don't keep dumping other friends in the shit....

EarlyIntheMorning Tue 23-Jul-13 17:29:32

Rose needs to fuck the fuck off

fedupofnamechanging Tue 23-Jul-13 17:29:32

You need to lose Rose - the sooner the better.

People can only walk all over you, if you allow them to. Any person who makes you feel bad and guilty for not wanting to be used, is not a friend and you will be far happier dropping them from a great height.

I hate it when people volunteer others for favours - it is so rude and i would refuse on principle.

Bowlersarm Tue 23-Jul-13 17:29:33

I don't think anyone would put up with this. Stand your ground.

WilsonFrickett Tue 23-Jul-13 17:30:33

I think you need to tell her to stop volunteering your time/home/stuff. You need to tell her that every time she does, you will say no, and make sure you follow through on that. You also need to stop answering phone calls/emails/texts/your doorbell during your working day and not socialising when she asks you to.

After a couple of months of this, see if she still wants to be your friend. If she doesn't, no loss. If she does, see if the message has gone in and renegotiate.

OR just tell her to feck off.

gamerchick Tue 23-Jul-13 17:31:16

I would tell her to fuck off as well and keep repeating it until she gets the message.

You're being walked all over by all of them. I would bin them all off.. It's most satisfying when you do it.

AllDirections Tue 23-Jul-13 17:31:24

Send her the link to this thread

RussianBlu Tue 23-Jul-13 17:31:38

Is it possible to just completely ignore her of do you see her often?

starfishmummy Tue 23-Jul-13 17:33:12

Ditch Rose.

lizzypuffs Tue 23-Jul-13 17:33:51

Bloody hell! Cheeky cow. I would just say no and drop Rose right in it by saying ' oh Rose never said a word to me'. Stuff them both.

Ruprekt Tue 23-Jul-13 17:34:06

No is a complete sentence. smile

PosyNarker Tue 23-Jul-13 17:34:28

'Rose' is not your friend.

RenterNomad Tue 23-Jul-13 17:35:46

And complain to people in RL, so gossip gets around about her - if people start.mockingly saying, "Careful Rose doesn't spot your x; she'll be lending it out to everyone she can think of!" she may, just may, stop it!

BOF Tue 23-Jul-13 17:36:00

I can't believe you loaned the dress out!

Have you ever "had words" with Rose? You need to.

rubyflipper Tue 23-Jul-13 17:36:13

I mean this in the nicest possible way, OP.

You are a mug. Just say no to them.

Greydog Tue 23-Jul-13 17:36:28

Rose is a tosspot, and you don't need her. She's making use of you. Seems like a contril freak. Tell her to fuck off.

hermioneweasley Tue 23-Jul-13 17:37:06

How about something along the lines of

"rose, I have been thinking about the situation with X's husband's 50th. It put me in a difficult situation, but it is not OK to volunteer someone to host a party without consulting them, and it is not the first time you have volunteered my things or my time without asking me first. I want you to stop doing this, as every time from now I will refuse and explain that this is a pattern of your behaviour I am not going along with any more. If I am able to help friends I will offer to do so, I don't need you to do it for me"

Scruffey Tue 23-Jul-13 17:37:25

I would not speak to rose anymore.
She isn't your friend.
Neither is party woman who ought to have realised what a ridiculous imposition the party is.
I wouldn't have lent the dress either.
Or fed the cat.

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