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To not go into debt even for a good friends hen party

(127 Posts)
Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 20:40:57

I'm getting married in under two weeks, it's final bill time so the most expensive month. We only booked it at the end of May so not had long to save.

I have a friend who is a bridesmaid, and I am hers, when she gets married in Feb, she's an old school friend but we don't see each other all the time.

She didn't come to my hen do, or help plan it in anyway, but all of a sudden I've had an email saying I have to organise her hen do for October along with the other bridesmaids, apparently she wants the whole experience to be a surprise. I've tried to explain that It's a very expensive time for me, i still have a mortgage to pay and childcare on top of these wedding bills, but the other bridesmaids seem to be dripping in money because they are picking out huge country cottages and a weekend packed full of activities.

I have about 10 emails a day from them about different venues/prices/activities which is really distracting at work. I have said that I'm feeling skint and basically on a beans on toast diet this month, I need to wait until my next pay to get any money at all.

I'm really proud that we haven't gone into debt for our wedding but now I've been told that I should 'borrow money' to pay for the hen do, and because I've refused to pay until my next pay day, I've been 'reported' to the bride and have had a series of sh*tty texts today asking why I am ruining her happiness!! Would IBU to tell them to stick their hen do? Or should I just smile and get on with it?

PoppyWearer Mon 22-Jul-13 21:09:46

Agree with other posters - she is trying to steal your limelight.

I'll say it again: ignore.

Mia4 Mon 22-Jul-13 21:11:42

YANBU. Tell her,preferably call her:

"I'm very sorry but I'm extremely busy given there's only two weeks until my wedding and I really can't help organise anything else right now. This month is very expensive for me and I just can't commit to any other expenses right now. I won't be able to do much right now and I'm sorry but I really can't afford to attend the hen weekend. After my wedding, I'll be able to help and support you fully and I'm looking forward to being your bridesmaid on your special day."

Good luck and congratulations on your wedding, try to put that first and ignore all the drama.

LunaticFringe Mon 22-Jul-13 21:13:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McNewPants2013 Mon 22-Jul-13 21:13:47

'threatening her happiness'.

what about your happiness, Is she jealous that you are getting married first.

If it was me, i would be having serious words with the BM for upsetting a good friend so close to her wedding.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 21:16:59

Threatening her happiness? I'd tell her that she's threatening your ability to view her as an adult and actually you think it's very spiteful and selfish behaviour for her to expect you to pay for and concentrate on her hen night at the same time you're trying to organise your own wedding which you've managed to avoid getting into debt for.

Then I'd cut her off unless a big apology was forthcoming.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 21:17:47

Thank you very much, I am excited about our wedding, although I am also very nervous too, but that's another post.

I hope it's just a case of my friend temporarily being precious, but I know that when I got engaged she was fuming. Also when I text everyone before booking the date to see if they were free (because it was short notice), she got upset and made sure she booked her wedding the next day.

I'm not getting married as a competition and I feel like she's going to spend our wedding scrutinising it instead of relaxing and having fun.

maternitart Mon 22-Jul-13 21:18:55

Wear your wedding dress to her wedding.

Belchica Mon 22-Jul-13 21:22:23

As others have said, do not get into debt. Perhaps say that you are willing to help organise but the activities/cost prevent you from attending. There is no shame in admitting you cant afford would be a massive shame to get your family into debt because of peer pressure. You aren't even guaranteed a good time if you do go.

I am not yet married...I just cannot comprehend behaving this way towards friends like this girl is doing. So many spoilt brats out there.

Chocolatehunter Mon 22-Jul-13 21:23:20

To be fair I should add that without a wedding she isn't this precious, and is normally quite a level headed fun person. I just want her back instead of this irate, irrational person that's taken over her at the moment

expatinscotland Mon 22-Jul-13 21:25:23

YANBU! Don't do it!

MamaChubbyLegs Mon 22-Jul-13 21:28:07

How dare she expect you to go into debt for 'her happiness'?

And I suppose you arent even allowed to explain yourself to her because it would ruin her surprise?

What a brat hmm

Friends look out for each other. I'd be devastated if one of my friends even considered borrowing money for my sake.

Would sending her a link to this thread threaten her happiness? She needs a reality check.

Dahlen Mon 22-Jul-13 21:30:13

So you stole her thunder?

Even knowing that I'm finding it no easier to rationalise her behaviour.

If she's old enough to get married she should be well past the stage of wanting to be the "first" for everything. There are no prizes for being the first to get married. It doesn't make for a better marriage or anything, just as the 'perfect' hen night and wedding don't.

Loveitall Mon 22-Jul-13 21:30:20

Yanbu, when my BFF had her hen I couldn't afford to go as it meant trains, hotel for 2 nights, plus spends for the time there. It was a group booking through a special place and the organiser got there room for free. She very selflessly offered me the free place so I could make it.
Don't let anything spoil your own wedding xx

karinmaria Mon 22-Jul-13 21:31:57

YANBU. Ps well done on staying debt free with your wedding! Make sure you stay that way smile

This may be slightly away from the point of this thread but why have a hen in October for a February wedding?! It's not even in the same year! And why can't they wait two weeks to plan it? That would still give two full months of organisation time... Sigh.

breatheslowly Mon 22-Jul-13 21:34:44

She is clearly doing this to wind you up, but wouldn't recognise it if you called her on it. LunaticFringes' email is just right, calm, clear and with no animosity in it.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Mon 22-Jul-13 21:35:15

Why show her more than she's showed you

Beastofburden Mon 22-Jul-13 21:38:19

She is definitely jealous of you getting married and she is trying to outdo you. Carry on setting an example of better values, by not mortgaging your future for the sake of a single event. I got married in 1990 and I can assure you it was normal then to spend peanuts on the hen night and not much on the wedding, so that you had money for a house deposit. I just don't get this Barbie mentality where everyone has to be a princess for a day. Wtf? You are an adult woman marrying the man you are in love with so you can build a future, not a toddler in a shiny dress. If her happiness seriously depends on a dazzle dazzle hen night then she is marrying the wrong man.

DameFanny Mon 22-Jul-13 21:38:37

She's barking. Yanbu.

Whocansay Mon 22-Jul-13 21:39:37

Tell them all you've planned a massive surprise for them all. Book a mini bus and take them on a magical mystery tour. To a Little Chef. Then leave them to it.

They sound like utter idiots.

Congratulations on your wedding. Don't let Bridezilla anywhere near it, as it sounds like she'll try and sabotage your day if she can.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 22-Jul-13 21:42:17

You keep saying other bridesmaids, how many bridesmaids is she having?

SprinkleLiberally Mon 22-Jul-13 21:43:17

Why did she not attend your hen do? What reason?

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 22-Jul-13 21:44:00

She is refusing to,pay for herself?!? So part of this "going into debt" would be paying for her?

She sounds like a real keeper as a friend!

mrstigs Mon 22-Jul-13 21:49:08

Everything beastofburden said (except for the getting married in 1990 bit, I was still in primary then) grin
Just leave them to it. If they try and pull you up on it, ask them if its reasonable to expect you to plan someone else's wedding two weeks before your own. (Though as nuts as they sound they may well say yes it is I suppose) hmm

PuggyMum Mon 22-Jul-13 21:49:35

I second the idea of 'parking' this until after your wedding as you deserve to enjoy the next couple of weeks.

I'd email them all saying what the poster above said and also switch to a personal email account saying your account is getting full / boss has seen / you're really busy.

I hate the idea that you need to explain your financial situation but if you throw in a couple of cheaper options. October is in the run up to Xmas too!!!

Tell your friend you're not ruining anyone's happiness. It's 2 weeks before your wedding so you can't focus on a hen do yet....

Then after the wedding she may have learnt from you how to be a gracious bride x

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Mon 22-Jul-13 21:50:42

I wouldnt even go into debt for my own fucking hen do. Tell her to trot on.

Unless you want to get a new bridesmaid (I would personally, she sounds like a massive knob) just keep saying, broken record style that you will discuss it after your wedding. Hers isnt til next year after all.

after your wedding keep up the broken record game and keep suggesting stupid cheap places. hollywood bowl. wetherspoons. Burger King grin

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