To ask how I can withdraw hen do invites? Think I have created an awkward situation

[MrsBrownsGirl]

Bit of background - I split from my abusive exH 3 1/2 years ago. As he isolated me from all but one close friend the main people in my life at that time were my work colleagues who I worked with for a couple of years. We all got on really well and they gave me a lot of support when I left my ex - sadly I had to leave my job as part of that process. Colleagues and I have kept in contact via FB but have only met up once since I left my ex due to me moving to the other side of the country.

I have met a new DP and am getting married soon. As my former colleagues played such a supportive role when I left my ex (plus I genuinely like them) I invited them to the wedding. None of them could make it which I understand as they would've had to pay for a night's accommodation etc but I didn't want to presume on their behalf and not invite them. However I am now having a hen do back in my/their hometown (low key therefore inexpensive) and thought it would be nice to ask them along to that - however I have only had one response so far (which is a no).

It's finally dawned on me that although they were lovely at the time and I considered them as friends, time has moved on and they probably don't want to meet up with me? Or maybe they think I am being grabby and inviting them to get presents or something? Anyway I feel horribly embarrassed now and would just let it fizzle, trouble is my friend who is organising the hen do is asking me to find out definite yes's or no's but I don't know how to push them for a response without making things any more awkward. I don't want to lie to my friend and tell her that everyone has declined when they haven't, I am just too embarrassed to chase them all up. There are only a couple of other people coming to the hen do so far so this would have a big impact on numbers. Any suggestions as to how I can approach this without sounding like I am a begging Billy no mates?

[RandomMess]

Could you change your plans to do something better suited to a small number of people?

[ArabellaBeaumaris]

Get your friend to do it? It's normal in my experience for the hen to be organised by someone else (although I organised my own, I'm not suggesting it isn't okay to do so!) so she can send an email asking for definite Yays or Nays without any emotional worries.

[Justforlaughs]

Can you send a quick email/ text to everyone asking for final numbers. I doubt anyone will be upset, and if you are right and they have moved on, who cares anyway? I hope you have a fab time however many people come along, and that your wedding is everything you hope for

[JumpingJackSprat]

Just tell her nobody can make it and do something lower key with the people who can make it. try not to take it personally as well its hard to keep in contact with people you dont see regularly.

[Avondale]

Yes, your friend should be chasing them up This is normal procedure for any hen dos I've been on

[specialsubject]

did you tell them what you planned? They may be worried it involves a day trapped in a spa or an expensive trip somewhere.

it is rude not to reply, though. Try one more email and then move on.

[KittensoftPuppydog]

First, don't panic,
How long have they had to reply?
Have you got other people coming?
Can you text them to say that you need replies by a certain date?

[Eddie107]

I would send emails asking them to let you know by a set date if they are coming as you need to book venue/ restaurant or whatever.

This is a reasonable request & you shouldn't feel embarrassed to ask.

If they say no don't let it spoil your celebrations. You are building a new life after being in an abusive relationship & i hope you have a great time on your hen night.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

[Openyourheart]

Perhaps send an email and tell them that you need an RSVP by a certain date so that you can book. Give them a short timescale to respond. Enjoy your night!

[AngryGnome]

I would just ask your bridesmaid to send a cheerful email to everyone saying that she is jut needing to firm up numbers, and could everyone confirm whether or not they are coming. It's perfectly normal, and tbh I would have thought your invitees would be expecting that sort o contact if they haven't responded yet.

If they choose not to come, don't feel embarrassed - I am sure that far from thinking you are a Billy-no-mates, your ex-colleagues will actually be rather pleased you thought of them - I know I would be!

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Agree that is really your friend's job to do this. Could you send a group text/email giving them her email/number and saying to let her know by X date so she can finalise the booking?

I also agree with making sure they have accurate details of what the evening involves, so they can judge cost - sorry if you've already done this.

I can sometimes be rubbish at replying to things so don't feel too bad about it. Finally, asking for final numbers is also standard and will not make you look like billy no mates. If anything it makes you look like tons of people are coming and you need to get a handle on it.

[Montybojangles]

I think you are over analysing this. Please don't worry so much.

Just send a quick text or email saying something along the lines of: hi, I need to know numbers, so just wondering if you can make it. Please let me know by Wednesday so I can finalise the details.

well done for getting out of an abusive relationship, and congratulations on your forthcoming celebrations.

[MrsBrownsGirl]

Thanks all. My friend set up an event via FB but for some reason it wouldn't let her invite my colleagues so she set me up as a co-host and asked me to add them. All the details were on there so they know what the night involves. I probably am over thinking things, still have a few self esteem issues. But much happier than I was :-)

[Blondeshavemorefun]

get bm to ask but tbh if i was asked to go to the hen/wedding of someone and hadnt been in contact/seen them in a few years then i wouldnt go either - hen do's are afaiac for close friends who will be at the wedding

ie wouldnt go to a hen's do if not at her wedding - even though you have asked them

different asking a group of older friends to meet up for a drink one night to catch up if back in the area

[WilsonFrickett]

Have you given them enough information? I ask because if someone I'd only spoken to on Facebook for a few years I cited me to their hen, I'd think it a bit weird. However, if you explained that you would be back in the 'home' town and would love an opportunity to catch up with some friends in a low-key night out, also to kinda celebrate your wedding, I'd be there in a shot. I wonder if they think they'd been invited to make up the numbers kind of thing?

The other possibility is that they've all fallen out/drifted apart and it's nothing at all to do with you!

I'd do one friendly chaser email, just clarifying things a bit, saying how much you'd love to catch up and ask them to RSVP to bridesmaid by certain (soon) date. I'm sure you'll have a great time whoever shows up though.

[Viviennemary]

I agree with just having a lower key do. I don't think it's really worth chasing people if they don't bother to reply. Close family and friends excepted. But I suppose they could be on holiday. I also agree that people who weren't coming to the wedding wouldn't usually go to the hen do. What is it with those hen do's these days. What happened to just a meal or a few drinks out with close friends.

[josephinebruce]

Hen nights are awful and should be banned.

Sorry.

[MrsBrownsGirl]

WilsonFrickett yes the catch up thing was pretty much how it was explained. I was more worried about placing people into an awkward situation of how to say no to me once they had already used up their excuses for the wedding itself! Was a bit naive actually believing the "we must catch up when you next visit" blurb, ah well at least I have lived and learned!

[WilsonFrickett]

Och no, I'm sure there's an explanation. I find most people are rubbish at responding to facebook invites too...