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AIBU?

To tell them I'm not coming?

21 replies

R2G · 20/07/2013 08:50

Scenario is..
My old company were really good to me, close to home, good pay, monotonous work, and no development

I left and went to new company following a manager who left company one. On the promise of the development I was looking for.

4 months in, it hadn't happened. I was doing things I wasn't supposed to be involved with and therefore not performing well. I got the blame for it- ie this is your problem, sort it.

I couldn't see that changing so asked company one for my old job back. Which they gave me with a little pay rise. After checking lots of times 'is there anything old comPany can do to keep you etx'. They announced it now and I have loads of friend's there.

My new company in this week have responded in ways I couldn't have imagined. Restructured so I report to someone new, offered ten grands coaching with their top coach, put written devpt. Plan in place, and CEO has personally emailed to say none of it's my fault, they got it all wrong please stay.

I want to stay, but ethically/professionally feel not right to tell old company when I am such great friend's with them. All bridges would be burnt.

Is it unreasonable to call them and say I'm not coming or now they have announced it should I continue on and to the professional ethical thing and leave???

OP posts:

Report

TwelveLeggedWalk · 20/07/2013 08:52

My word! are they direct competitors? Are you likely to have dealings with either of them if you go with the other one?

500internalerror · 20/07/2013 08:56

Go back to the old one - they are a far safer bet. The new company is shutting the stable door too late; what makes you think things really would improve,& it won't just end up being more of the same?

R2G · 20/07/2013 09:22

No they aren't direct competitors

OP posts:

R2G · 20/07/2013 09:54

Any more advice? I'm supposed to be at a couple of social engagements with old friends from the company over the next few weeks. I need to make a decision. Are they going to hate me they are aren't they?

OP posts:

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 20/07/2013 09:59

You are confusing friendship with professionalism. This isnt the same as pissing off a friend, this is a job and you should try to remove emotion from your decision. Probably sounds harsh, but its true.

You need to weigh up the balance between new job and old job. You were obviously not happy with career progression in old job so you moved. Albeit with a shit manager and no proper training (from the sounds of your OP)

Now new job have clearly offered a 'path' with training, coaching and a firm grip of what is expected from you.

Going back is never a good thing.

JassyRadlett · 20/07/2013 09:59

Honestly, I'd go back to the old company. You have Jo guarantee how long new company will keep up the 'good face' before reverting to their old ways.

By saying 'sorry, I've now made a commitment to Old Company', you're maintaining a professional front with New Company so there may still be options open in future, but as you say you'd be burning your bridges with Old Company if you told them to bugger off at this stage.

FriskyHenderson · 20/07/2013 10:03

Did you give your new/current company warning that you were not happy - did you talk to your manager, discuss in appraisals etc?

If so I would consider that they had an opportunity to make good on their original promises, and didn't then and might not now.

However, your old company might think you have begged them for your old job back and are now a sitting target and will never leave, it was all too much etc etc.

Gah it's not easy, is it? How much do you have in writing from your new company? What is more important to you? Are you looking back at the old company with rose tinted specs - after all they could have tried to win you back when you left the first time, and didn't.

R2G · 20/07/2013 10:33

Well old company did offer me a Promotion once I was leaving, but I had been there 6 years before (hence all the friendships)
At the comPany I'm at now, yes had lots of meetings to say I wasn't happy.
Yes it's all in writing from the company that are keeping me.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 20/07/2013 10:40

Ooo tough one. Like you, I would feel obliged to return to the old company because they basically gave you what you asked, old job back with slightly better benefits and I would feel that I had to take it.

However, this is your job and personal friendships shouldn't come into it. You have to think about where you want to be working for the foreseeable future, not who you may upset. Its a tough working world and you have to do what makes YOU happy, not what you think you SHOULD do because you may upset people.

If the new company have put it in writing all the benefits you wanted, I would stay with them. When you were unhappy before they may have hoped they could fob you off. When it was clear that wasn't they case they have given in and you have got the things you wanted. They may now see that you are someone to take seriously and I think that would really change things for you at work.

Personally, even though I would feel obliged as you do, I would stay with the new company because you left the old one for a good reason, even after they offered you a promotion so just remember that!

R2G · 20/07/2013 10:44

Crapbag summarises how I feel.... But I guess I just need to cancel all the social engagements with friend's at the old company and I really worry what all my friends there will think of me but I'll just have to see.

So I think I'm going to tell them. Next question, letter or phone call email etc?? x

OP posts:

nennypops · 20/07/2013 11:02

If new company didn't respond to your concerns despite lots of meetings, what on earth makes you think things are genuinely going to improve in future?

CrapBag · 20/07/2013 11:04

nenny if its in writing then they have an obligation. OP would be able to take it further. I still think they thought they could keep things as they are but then they realised OP wouldn't be fobbed off so they got serious. It does sound as if they want to keep her.

OP, are you certain that your friends would ostracise you for doing something that is for your career? If so then they don't sound like very good friends to me.

I would probably email. How have you been communicating so far?

quesadilla · 20/07/2013 11:08

I think I am with JaxTeller on this. If you have been somewhere a while and been happy its very difficult to leave and sometimes this can blind you to the fact that you need to move.

Actually I think the new company has reacted quite appropriately. They clearly realise they got off on the wrong foot and are trying to put it right.

I can see its tricky with old company and you will need to eat a bit of humble pie. But I think going back - unless its with a significant and clear promotion - is not a good idea generally.

Nancy66 · 20/07/2013 11:11

Jax gives good advice about not confusing friendship with professional relationships. Easy to do. Just remind yourself that pretty much any employer would not hesitate to get rid of you if they had to.

That said I would prob go back to the old company. If the new company failed to deliver on promises and didn't respond to your demands/requests/concerns then it will happen again.

Dorris83 · 20/07/2013 11:22

I think the old company sounds like a nice job to drift along in ( for a long time) and the new company is offering you genuine opportunity to further your career.

I think you should stay in the new company and get everything you can out of them. Apologise to old company ( only HR and the person who was hiring you back) and then let your friends know that you have a better opportunity at new company. They might not understand it at first but there's no reason for them to not be friends with you anymore.

Saying that, it will not be suitable or you to attend any 'old company work functions' like bbqs or work drinks.

Think long term OP, and do what's best for you and your future career.

R2G · 20/07/2013 11:49

Thanks Dorris. So sad to lose my social life with them, but I do very much want a career (as am now a single parent and have different priorities).
Attached to old company as they were good through a difficult time, and now I'm shitting on them :-(

OP posts:

TalkativeJim · 20/07/2013 11:51

If you had 'lots of meetings' to say you weren't happy with new company, and they did nothing, then go back to old.

They've proved that unless they think that you are literally about to walk out the door, that they can ignore problems, renege on agreements, and don't care if you aren't happy (and for happy, read 'performing to the best of your ability and being an asset to them').

In other words, they are poor managers, and fire-fight rather than deal with problems properly.

You will soon be back to square one with them - worse, I would be very cynical that all the promised improvements will actually happen.

LEMisdisappointed · 20/07/2013 11:57

Are you really "shitting on them"? You had left, the company didn't fall apart, you are clearly an asset but not vital to the running of their company. If they don't continue friendships because you made a decision that was best for you and your family, they aren't real friends!

Saying that, do be very sure that the promises being made by the CEO of the new company will come to fruition before you make the jump. That would be the basis of my decision and I really would be concerned that things would go back to shitty normal after a while.

Pigsmummy · 20/07/2013 12:29

I would make an appointment to see your manager in company one, your old firm. Have a candid chat about the reasons that you left and ask if there is any opportunity for development, there is no harm explaining that you fear that if you come back you might find yourself in a position where you want to leave again. See how they play it, what they say.

You don't need to tell them about company 2's turnaround, if company 1 come back with good stuff then go back, if they don't then you can turn down the job on the basis that it wouldn't be fair on them to return to a job that you will most likely leave for future development. You don't look like the bad guy then?

Pigsmummy · 20/07/2013 13:01

Also if you choose not to return to company 1 could you recommend a suitable replacement? I have done this when job hunting and everyone is a winner. My friends (x2) got a good job, the firm didn't have to pay a recruitment fee and I looked like the good person for not leaving them high and dry when going after a better job.

As you have done the job and really lie the company then you are possibly the best person to get a replacement? Do you have friends/associates that might fit the bill? Just a thought.

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 20/07/2013 13:47

Pigs mummy gives good advice too. Tbh neither company sounds like they are the "perfect" career choice at the moment. Maybe you could look for something totally new, then you don't have to be seen as shitting on anyone.

And if these people are genuine friends rather that friendly colleagues (huge difference) it won't matter if you work for same firm or not. Time will tell if former or latter.

I'm not saying its an easy decision but its about mindset and doing what's best for you, family & career.

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