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to ask about your 1 year olds relationships with their father?

(49 Posts)
BusyLizzie99 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:17:16

Dd is 14 months. Dp works 4 days on 4 days off and sees dd for at least 4 hours on work days so a great deal more than alot of fathers IMO. However, dd only ever wants me. She is sociable, smiley and waves at him but there's not a chance she'd play with him or let him hold her or anything while I'm in the room without screaming the place down. I do everything for her 24/7 because of this and - quite frankly - I'm knackered. We have 2 other children and I want to be able to spend one on one time with them without baby hanging off me. He takes her while I read with elder dc and if distracted and in a different room she'll play for 20 mins or so but then come looking for me. AIBU to think she should be used to both of us by now and that if he doesn't make more effort with her she's only ever going to want me to do everything? Or AIBU and is this a normal thing considering her age?

BusyLizzie99 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:15:54

But headinhands - neither of the older children starting accepting him doing things for them when they got older and I can't see this one being any different. I spend my time stretched between the three while he lurks in the background and it isn't fair on the kids or me. The older ones don't want to go do anything alone with him, when he's tried they just sulk because they want me there too and don't engage with him. If I ask him to have the baby he always just takes her for a walk where generally she falls asleep so isn't really getting used to him - as soon as she gets back she's crying for me again and I'm up later to deal with her because of the sleep while he sits watching tv.

PoppyAmex Sat 20-Jul-13 11:23:03

I'm a SAHM at the moment and my 16 mo DD is all about Daddy.

She will only "choose" me over DH if she's hurt or upset, otherwise Daddy is just a whole lot more fun. <sigh>

poppingin1 Sat 20-Jul-13 15:37:03

smile @ Hecuba

It really is funny watching DH prance around the room toddler style which is an added bonus for me.

OP your husband needs to get his arse into gear and help you out more. I would push the issue as someone suggested earlier.

IShallCallYouSquishy Sat 20-Jul-13 19:21:43

My DD is 14 months. There's no doubt that she loves daddy to pieces but mummy wins every time. She is very clingy to me.

Her face lights up when DH comes home from work in the evening or when we go and wake him up in the morning. She shrieks dadadada and crawls over to him. However, she will 95% of the time be sat/leaning on me when the 3 of us are on the bed/sofa. Upset/tired/poorly she wants me. Bedtime, she settles better for me.

I put it down to the fact that she was with me all day while DH works. I do all her meals, all her care, playing with etc during the majority of her waking hours Monday-Friday. She was also BF until 12.5 months so I think we've got that extra closeness she didn't have by DH being able to feed her.

headinhands Sat 20-Jul-13 21:47:58

Hi Busy. It sounds like you would like your partner to actively engage more when he's with the kids? Is that right? Do you feel able to have that sort of chat with him?

BusyLizzie99 Sat 20-Jul-13 23:38:14

I feel like it's too late with the older ones. They accept he's 'fun daddy' but want me for everything else which is fine except I can't do that and everything for the baby too. He is helpful in that he'll come home and take.over cooking tea etc but I'd much rather he takes the baby and has some time with her. She is very full on and my back is killing me by the end of the day, which I tell him and ask to wash up to give it a break for ten mins but within a minute he'll bring her to the kitchen and she's round my ankles again.

redwellybluewelly Sat 20-Jul-13 23:47:22

Oh I remember this stage, worse as she co slept and still breastfed pretty much like a six month old baby! Then he started looking after her all day once a fortnight while I did extra hours at work and they have a very very close bond now. They just had to get used to each other.

What helped was me having to get out of the house, so he had to cope and DD had to put up with him! We also arrange to tag team evenings and weekends so agree by text or email what we want to get done (e.g. paint cloakroom, bake cake, wash car etc) and the other manages the children. Extreme but means we both get time off and the children are comfortable with either of us - although DH isn't completely confident looking after the baby just yet!

BusyLizzie99 Sun 21-Jul-13 00:17:33

She co-sleeps and breastfeeds too so I literally am never away from her. I asked him to have her the other week while I ironed and cleaned the toilets etc as I can't. Do those jobs with her there but he literally just walks with her in the pushchair til she sleeps then is still no more used to him. She's also beginning to get whingey if he's in the room at all and clinging to me in case he takes her whereas when it's me and her she's more content.

CheeseFondueRocks Sun 21-Jul-13 01:03:04

The opposite here. DH works from home mostly so DD had us both there in her first year. Now at 17 months, she's a daddy's girl (he does bedtime for example, they go to baby swimming and toddler group) and I don't think she'd care about me being gone if she wasn't still breastfeeding. grin

katykuns Sun 21-Jul-13 08:02:32

I think you have to be tough and find something to do by yourself outside the house and leave them to it. I am a bit worried that the older children react the way they do, maybe they need to do something they would really enjoy where they couldn't really sulk about for fear of missing out on the fun. I kinda feel sorry for your DP, it must be hard dealing with the rejection and having crying/sulking children when you try to have quality time together. Once this rejection phase is over, I bet he would be far more enthusiastic.

My DP is a stay at home parent so DD's get on fine with him. DD2 (13mo) seems to prefer my cuddles, but plays with Daddy and when it comes to bad nights, she will only settle for him. pretty sure that's because I work nights and he just had to cope.

SkiSchoolRun Sun 21-Jul-13 08:17:28

Mine are both daddy's girls. He rarely sees them in the week so they want him a lot at the weekend. We have a nanny on the days I am at work so I guess they're used to different people but they were always ok with him before I went back to work. I've had a couple of weekends/nights away with friends which help them "share" parents. OP is this an option? Let them all get on with it?

ClimbingPenguin Sun 21-Jul-13 19:09:17

I said it above but I co-slept and bf, we just switched to him co-sleeping and at 21 months he is still bf

CreatureRetorts Sun 21-Jul-13 19:12:35

Maybe he needs todo more things like reading with her etc? So instead of taking her off your hands he's actively engaging with her. He might not know how so give him ideas?

BusyLizzie99 Mon 22-Jul-13 02:19:05

He isn't here enough to do that unfortunately Climbing and also sleeps too heavily. I've tried Creature but he just brings her back to me at first complaint or gives her things she isn't allowed to keep her quiet which then makes my life more difficult when I say no to them later on. Tonight she was playing in elder dds room while I was saying goodnight to elder dd and he goes and stands over her. Low and behold, within ten seconds of him being there she's coming back over to me and crying at the prospect of him taking her. I sometimes feel it'd be easier alone.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 22-Jul-13 02:25:01

Oh you poor thing.

Both of mine have been a bit like that, but when DD2 came along, DD1 had to accept a lot more of her Dad's company, and he made a real effort to take her out on fun outings and things (zoo, bicycling, etc - she was 34 when DD2 was born).

The only way we manage still - DD2 is now 20 months, and better than you describe but not much - is that he takes them out of the house. So he takes them both grocery shopping on a Sat morning while I clean the house or whatever. If they're in the house, they want me. Or if it's in the evening he'll take the younger one upstairs to play on the bed or "help" fold laundry, so she's out of my sight and that way she cheers up.

The other thing that I wonder is, though, why is he sitting around watching TV while you're doing it all? Is there not cleaning/laundry/DIY to be done? In this house, you don't sit down if the other parent is still working, and we only have two children but there's always something to be done.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 22-Jul-13 02:26:01

She was 3 when DD2 was born, not 34. Jeepers.

BusyLizzie99 Mon 22-Jul-13 02:52:33

Haha that would be one hell of an age gap!

He doesn't like playing with her in a different room to prevent her asking for me as he feels he's 'missingkid's on whatever else is happening...! He asks the elder dc if they want to do something with him but they say no, that they want him to take the baby so they can do stuff with me. Which I get is not very nice for him but think that perhaps if he listened they'd be happier with him and might respect him more. I do all household stuff really as well as sorting the kids. To be honest I prefer when he just goes and watches tv otherwise he lurks while we're doing baths or whatever not helping in any way and interrupting the kids when they talk to me.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 22-Jul-13 05:16:16

What does "missingkid" mean?

Basically he's not going to help in any way, then. He won't take her into another room let alone out. He won't interact with her. He won't do the housework. You're knackered and your older kids miss you.

It's not the most flattering portrait, is it?

LittleBearPad Mon 22-Jul-13 06:32:21

What do you men he gives her stuff she isn't allowed. Actual problematic stuff or stuff you don't think she should ideally have . Perhaps you need to step back a little and allow him to/make him step up.

Don't do everything for the older ones and they will learn that Daddy's there too, same with the younger one. I think you may need to force with issue not only with DH but with your children too (in a nice way) or nothing will change. Going swimming or something by yourself and leaving them to it may help.

BusyLizzie99 Mon 22-Jul-13 07:03:03

Oops - missing out, sorry!

By stuff she isn't allowed I mean stuff like in the past few days he's let her play with/chew on: keys, pack of mints/chewing gum til they opened, multi link cubes which she puts in mouth, pencils which she chews, rubbers, pencil sharpener which she puts her finger intoand so on. I dontdon't mind doing everything for theolder ones - they don't need as much but don't want his relationship with the youngest to go the Same way which it feels like it is.

exoticfruits Mon 22-Jul-13 07:11:20

You are letting him be an extra child and he sees you as 'in charge' and mother to them all, including him. He needs to take responsibility - e.g not let her get hold of small objects.
I would simply go out and leave him to it. She is at an age where she can go a long time between breastfeeds so take several hours out shopping, go out for the evening, make it early so he does the whole bed time routine. Do it even if you just walk round the block.
I would now get her in her own room.
Have one to one time- take the older 2 out, together or separately and leave him at home with the baby. If she screams, she screams and he will have to deal with it.

Hissy Mon 22-Jul-13 07:24:00

Did you know that even when in the womb, babies can detect domestic abuse, and are actively harmed by it?

Your DD perhaps is picking up on the fact that your DP isn't a nice man to be with, and needs your protection.

Sounds like her instincts are spot on. So are yours, but you seem slower to act.

Please go back to your other thread?

There is lots of support there, but actually given the fact that your P is vile, mean, cruel, the LAST thing you need is to actively encourage your baby to latch onto him.

LittleBearPad Mon 22-Jul-13 07:48:11

Having now also read the other thread I think there's far more to this than you would suggest. Your DP doesn't actually sound very nice - hope things improve or you probably would be better alone.

Fairenuff Mon 22-Jul-13 13:25:30

It's understandable that your older dds don't want to spend time alone with him surely, bearing in mind what you already know about his behaviour towards them?

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