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to think this isn't a good friendship and ask for advice as to how best to get out of it?

(57 Posts)
WestieMamma Fri 19-Jul-13 23:51:07

I have AS and really struggle with social interactions. I've never really had a friend before and find it difficult to judge what is normal.

I made friends with another English speaker in the very small town we both live in. However I'm beginning to suspect that she only wants to be my friend when she wants something (usually dog sitting).

In the past 12 months I've had her young, bouncey, incredibly hard work, dog stay for 3 weeks when she went home due to a family bereavement, a week when she went on holiday, approx 20 separate days when she's been gone all day, several overnights while she was in hospital due to pregnancy complications, 1 week after the birth so her partner could stay at the hospital with her, 2 weeks so they could be with her BIL who was terminally ill.

My husband asked her to have our old, lazy, sleeps all day, small dog once, when I went into labour so he could be at the hospital with me. She refused.

A couple of weeks after my baby was born she asked if we could have the dog again just overnight as she wanted to go with her partner to a 'thing' in memory of now deceased BIL. The dog is crackers and I couldn't cope with it and a new baby so instead sent my husband round there 3 times both days to feed/water/walk the beast. Then I found out I'd been deceived. The 'thing' which was implied was some sort of memorial service was a day out at the big annual festival in the town where BIL lived. My husband would probably have still walked the dog for her, but now it felt like we were being manipulated so I've backed off a bit.

So I got invited over for tea yesterday as she hasn't seen me in ages. I went and it was really nice and she was lovely and I felt guilty about doubting her. Earlier this evening I got a message from her asking if I can have the dog for a fortnight in September as they're going home for 2 weeks.

Is she taking the piss? Or am a being a cow by not wanting to help my friend?

Dubjackeen Sat 20-Jul-13 00:24:40

I would say keep the rage going. She is using you, by the sound of things. I am not good with confrontation, personally. However, I believe there are ways and means of sorting things, without confrontation. She had no right to contact your daughter! That alone would make me rage! Stay strong OP and drop her. She is a user. sad

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 20-Jul-13 00:26:22

Good for you! She will have to use kennels like everyone else.

Tryharder Sat 20-Jul-13 00:27:19

If you live in a small community, then I understand that you don't want to come across as antagonistic. I would say that you don't feel able to have the dog due to your baby as the dog jumps up and bites etc, but that you would be able to pop round to check on it or even walk it (assuming you live close to her)

HaroldLloyd Sat 20-Jul-13 00:27:25

Good on you!

imademarion Sat 20-Jul-13 00:29:05

Out of that cupboard and hold your head up!

"I am Westie, hear me roar squeak crossly but it's a START!"

Well done you.

HaroldLloyd Sat 20-Jul-13 00:29:44

Good on you!

PixelAteMyFace Sat 20-Jul-13 00:38:02

What does this woman actually do for you?

She sounds very manipulative and selfish, and if she worded a message to your daughter in such a way that she thought there was something wrong with you and your baby - well, that sets alarm bells ringing. That kind of behaviour is totally unacceptable.

To be honest, I`d run a mile from someone like her who bulldozes her way to get what she wants. Having stuff delivered to your mum is a complete cheek, especially as she hadn`t even met her. It sounds as though you should end this non-friendship ASAP as there seem to be no boundaries to her piss-taking.

She`s not a friend, she has proved that by not looking after your dog - when you were in labour ffs - despite you having her dog so often. She is taking advantage of your good nature. If you start refusing to dog-sit she wil no doubt find some other gullible soul and drop you like a hot brick

Drop her first - you don`t need her.

Oscalito Sat 20-Jul-13 01:57:23

She sounds awful. There's nothing to say you can't continue to smile, make small talk etc with someone if you both live in the same place.

Remember she can't actually do anything to you just because you've stood up for yourself and said no. People like that just rely on others to be too nice to say no, once you say no they don't really have a leg to stand on though, especially as she does very little for you.

I can't believe she wouldn't look after your dog, yet still asks you (and two weeks is a long time, too).

Once she gets told no a few times she'll probably back off anyway. Well done for saying no to her.

Officershitty Sat 20-Jul-13 05:05:32

She is a manipulator and a user, and taking advantage of your good nature. If she comes back whinging after your refusal, the suggested broken record is a good idea. If you lose her as a friend, then I would say she was not much of a friend in the first place.

LittleEsme Sat 20-Jul-13 07:25:36

OP you have plenty of reasons to run a mile from this woman. She seriously over stepped the mark contacting your daughter and using your Mum - this woman is no friend of yours. But, I understand your need to avoid confrontation since you live in such a close community. The broken record suggestion is excellent - it's passive and gentle, but it's firmly making a point that you won't be used by her again.

You sound lovely OP - make sure you try meet some other friends that deserve you.

TheOrchardKeeper Sat 20-Jul-13 07:42:06

You said no and listed why...then she asked your daughter to help you behind your back, therefore not taking no for an answer!? shock

She lied about what she was doing that one time because she knew she was taking the piss.

She's a piss taker & a user.

After that you have every right to just say no...and if she tries to manipulate you into it again just refuse!

Cheeky bitch hmm

SanityClause Sat 20-Jul-13 07:49:35

If she asks why, tell her you don't really like looking after her dog, and that she needs to find someone else to do it.

Don't make excuses about why it is inconvenient this time as she will manage to overcome them for you. Just keep saying, no, I'm sorry, I really don't want to do it. If she keeps asking why, just, I'm sorry, I don't like doing it. If she asks why not, I'm sorry, I just don't.

Make sure DH, and your daughter know, as well, so she can't manipulate the situation using them.

Remember, she didn't look after your dog, even once!

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sat 20-Jul-13 08:15:05

What reason did she give for not taking your dog?

Just repeat that ad Infinitum back at her, every time she asks.

Justforlaughs Sat 20-Jul-13 08:20:59

I said to say NO, and having read your updates I repeat "Say No" and stick to it. Make sure that anyone that she has access to knows that you have said "no", and won't panic if she tries the same trick again. Don't back down. Recommend that relatives/ friends block her on fb. I'm wondering who she is, as I met someone like on fb hmm

Pawprint Sat 20-Jul-13 08:46:20

As someone once said "I used to be a nice girl? But I'm better now"

Learning to say "no" is a skill. I went on an assertiveness course and it really helped my doormat behaviour.

I recommend it.

quesadilla Sat 20-Jul-13 09:03:35

What snazzy said. Get straight in your mind what it is you want to say, that makes it easier to hold the line when she tries to bully you.

People like this woman are adept at picking up weakness and exploiting it. Showing her you aren't going to be swayed on this sends her a strong message and will also boost your confidence.

She is a bully who is taking advantage and frankly it doesn't sound like she is a friend.

helenthemadex Sat 20-Jul-13 09:11:16

just say no and keep repeating you dont have to add anything to it, thats often how I get manipulated into something when I try and give a reason for it.

No is a complete sentence grin if you are feeling nice give her the details of a Kennel nearby, they generally charge about 9euros a day here the money she has save by using you would pay for a nice holiday!!

ChasedByBees Sat 20-Jul-13 09:18:49

She sounds so horrible - organising for your daughter to come home by implying there's something wrong with you or your baby. Words fail me. She is massively taking advantage and not a friend.

WitchOfEndor Sat 20-Jul-13 09:20:31

Tell her that you've looked after her dog for months and she hasn't looked after yours so until that changes you won't be able to look after hers. And ignore any of her arguments/ texts, you don't have to justify your decision any further.

myfirstkitchen Sat 20-Jul-13 09:20:32

She's taking the piss.
Get out there and take the baby to groups and swimming etc and meet others. You sound like a caring person. Don't let her make you weary of others.

RussianBlu Sat 20-Jul-13 09:21:13

Some people are so rude, selfish and thoughtless it is unbelievable. GO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

myfirstkitchen Sat 20-Jul-13 09:22:04

And tell your daughter to tell her no too! What a horrid pushy using bitch this woman sounds.

WitchOfEndor Sat 20-Jul-13 09:23:20

And warn your family to check with you if she contacts them.

Tbh if this results in the end of your friendship then it isn't exactly a loss, is it?

BonzoDooDah Sat 20-Jul-13 09:26:45

Well done. Stick to your guns and be strong.

myfirstkitchen Sat 20-Jul-13 09:28:19

And change your FB settings for her so she can't see your friends to contact them or your updates. But probably won't realise for ages, if at all, unlike if you delete her. I've got loads of people on restricted!!

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