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to think this isn't a good friendship and ask for advice as to how best to get out of it?

(57 Posts)
WestieMamma Fri 19-Jul-13 23:51:07

I have AS and really struggle with social interactions. I've never really had a friend before and find it difficult to judge what is normal.

I made friends with another English speaker in the very small town we both live in. However I'm beginning to suspect that she only wants to be my friend when she wants something (usually dog sitting).

In the past 12 months I've had her young, bouncey, incredibly hard work, dog stay for 3 weeks when she went home due to a family bereavement, a week when she went on holiday, approx 20 separate days when she's been gone all day, several overnights while she was in hospital due to pregnancy complications, 1 week after the birth so her partner could stay at the hospital with her, 2 weeks so they could be with her BIL who was terminally ill.

My husband asked her to have our old, lazy, sleeps all day, small dog once, when I went into labour so he could be at the hospital with me. She refused.

A couple of weeks after my baby was born she asked if we could have the dog again just overnight as she wanted to go with her partner to a 'thing' in memory of now deceased BIL. The dog is crackers and I couldn't cope with it and a new baby so instead sent my husband round there 3 times both days to feed/water/walk the beast. Then I found out I'd been deceived. The 'thing' which was implied was some sort of memorial service was a day out at the big annual festival in the town where BIL lived. My husband would probably have still walked the dog for her, but now it felt like we were being manipulated so I've backed off a bit.

So I got invited over for tea yesterday as she hasn't seen me in ages. I went and it was really nice and she was lovely and I felt guilty about doubting her. Earlier this evening I got a message from her asking if I can have the dog for a fortnight in September as they're going home for 2 weeks.

Is she taking the piss? Or am a being a cow by not wanting to help my friend?

Justforlaughs Fri 19-Jul-13 23:53:25

Just say that it isn't convenient and see whether she invites you round again or not. If she doesn't then you know whether thta's that the only reason for her friendship. Job done

YouTheCat Fri 19-Jul-13 23:55:21

She is massively taking the piss.

If she reciprocated at all, then that would be fair enough, even if it wasn't as much as you do for her.

Just say, you are too busy so she has to find someone else. If she is a true friend this won't be a problem to her and she will ask someone else.

Bluebell99 Fri 19-Jul-13 23:56:50

I wouldn't be looking after her dog again, after she refused to look after yours, and would tell her so. She does sound like a user. You don't like looking after her dog, she won't return the favour, so why put yourself out.

HaroldLloyd Fri 19-Jul-13 23:58:05

Tell her you wont be able to have the dog again, its too much for you.

Then you will be able to see if she is just being friendly to look after the dog.

You are not being a cow. We had MILs dog once, it was a nightmare, as soon as she got back told her no never again.

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:02:11

That's what I want to do and I strongly suspect that I won't get invited again. But I feel really scared and I don't know why. She's quite pushy and when I said I couldn't before she wanted to know why. I told her the truth, I was heavily pregnant I couldn't cope with her dog all day as I couldn't jump up every time the beast started chewing something it shouldn't. I then got a message to say she'd rung my student daughter and asked her if she could come home and help and I felt cornered and ended up having the dog.

Gosh I'm getting panicky just thinking about saying no again. That's not a healthy sign.

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:03:42

Does anyone know where I can buy a backbone?

babyhmummy01 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:05:01

She is taking the piss! Tell her you are sorry but no and see when she contacts you again

YouTheCat Sat 20-Jul-13 00:05:09

In that case, just say no. Say her dog is a bloody menace and she is taking the piss.

You won't be losing a friend as she doesn't sound like she is one.

RoxyFox211 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:06:52

Yanbu shock the bit about ringing your student daughter really takes the piss tbh. Its a horrible situation though, understand why you don't want to upset her, but if you don't say something now she'll keep taking advantage. hmm

simpson Sat 20-Jul-13 00:10:40

She is totally taking the piss...

IMO friendship is about helping each other out (amongst other things). She has refused to have your dog the one time you asked.

Her inviting you to hers for lunch /tea just smacks of her buttering you up to ask yet another favour. I would put a stop to this now, it will only get worse.

scarlettanager Sat 20-Jul-13 00:11:13

She rang your daughter? She sounds properly unhinged.
Cut off completely. Ignore ignore ignore

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:11:15

And my mum came to visit from the UK a couple of weeks ago to meet her new grandson. She had a load of stuff with her that my 'friend' had ordered to be delivered to my mum's because it was much cheaper than getting it delivered here. When my mum got an email (via Facebook) asking if it was ok, she thought I'd suggested it which is why she agreed. I knew nothing about it till she got here and unpacked. This woman has never even met my mum before.

I'm getting a rage now. angry

simpson Sat 20-Jul-13 00:11:49

Missed the bit about ringing your daughter shock hope she told her where to get off...

simpson Sat 20-Jul-13 00:13:30

Keep that angry it will make it easier to stand up to her..

How has she got details for your family? If its FB I suggest a cull of friends..

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:13:59

Sadly not. My daughter came straight home as it was worded in such a way that she thought there was something wrong with me and the baby.

HaroldLloyd Sat 20-Jul-13 00:14:47

You had her dog last year for 3 week, 20 separate days and another 2 weeks, thats nearly 2 months out of 12! Total pisstake.

babyhmummy01 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:15:35

She is psycho! I would warn ur family and then ignore her, she isn't a friend she is a user. I have rage for you!

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:18:44

Yeah it's through FB. I only have close family, her and a couple of people from church as friends. I'm scared to cull because this is a very small community and the only way not to see her would be to never leave the house again. Our babies will be in the same nursery/school/scouts/English for native speakers class etc. I already bump into her every time I take my son to be weighed.

HappyDoll Sat 20-Jul-13 00:20:15

You need to stop doing her any favours asap. If she asks why say "Because I don't want to." Then in the next breath ask her over for dinner. She'll show her true colours soon enough after that.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 20-Jul-13 00:20:50

OK, you need a script for this, you practice it, and you repeat it till she gets the message.
'I'm afraid I won't be able to do that'
'No, I am afraid not, it's just not something I can manage anymore'
'It is a pity you don't know anyone else who can do it, but it's just not something I can manage anymore'

Google 'broken record technique' for tips. Tell your daughter to do likewise!

FingersCrossedLegsNot Sat 20-Jul-13 00:21:14

Yanbu at all, this woman is a leech!

imademarion Sat 20-Jul-13 00:22:01

That rage will be useful for standing up for your daughter and mother too.

That could have been anything she got your mum to carry out. Not cool.

Don't worry about making the friendship all finished and clean and tidy. There never was a friendship to end, just a series of her using you and your family which you are no longer colluding in.

Just say/text/email whatever, at YOUR convenience, 'no.'

Or don't answer.

She doesn't deserve you attempting to manage her feelings.

Find some nice people to hang out with and enjoy your little family; they matter, she doesn't.

simpson Sat 20-Jul-13 00:22:06

Not necessarily suggesting you cull her on FB although I would but maybe the rest of your family can.

WestieMamma Sat 20-Jul-13 00:22:42

You've all given me the courage to say no. I've sent a message saying sorry, no can do.

Now I'm going to hide in the cupboard under the stairs.

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