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about this card from my MIL?

(32 Posts)
Mizza76 Thu 18-Jul-13 19:27:02

I just read the card my mother in law gave my 7-year-old for her birthday.
It read, "to my favorite 7-year-old granddaughter," and was signed, "from your favorite grandmother".
My mother died nearly 5 years ago. My daughter adored her and we talk about her the whole time.
I am so upset. AIBU? And WWYD?
(I have a rocky relationship with my MIL anyway btw but I mostly let things slide. I can't think of anything she's done, ever, that has upset me as much as this.)

FirstStopCafe Sat 20-Jul-13 21:36:53

YANBU. My mum passed away 5 years ago and will never know my children. I would be upset if my mil wrote that in a card even if it was an innocent comment. The fact my mum won't get a chance to be the wonderful grandmother I know she would have been saddens me every day.

Cakebaker35 Sat 20-Jul-13 20:26:26

Curlew has said it all, totally agree and very sorry for your loss OP

pennefab Sat 20-Jul-13 20:23:47

Starrystarrynut - you sound fabulous. And I bet the children & grandchildren truly love you and appreciate your sensitivity. And you gave me another perspective to think about (actually, we all love step-gm - I just never considered the soft approach she can take may be due to her not wanting to be perceived as overstepping boundaries). Thank you, starry!

starrystarryknut Fri 19-Jul-13 19:58:13

Pennefab I am a step-GM like your DP's DF has - and have been permanent partner for 15 years, since before birth of GC. I love my GC, but I would never send a card/offer to babysit (I would love to!!) because I am scared of being thought to try and tread in the shoes of deceased loved-one "real" GM. It's a hard road to navigate. Maybe she is trying to be kind and respectful (I am). Maybe I'm in the wrong... now feel worried...

pennefab Fri 19-Jul-13 18:04:37

My DC have no real grandmother in their life. My mother hasn't seen in 2.5 yrs, no birthday cards, etc. (seen DC 4 times total in past 10 years. And yes, visits ate do able, i try but get the not convenient for them response). DP's mother died almost 20 years ago. Widowed GF/FIL has had a GF for 16 years. She is closest to a GM my DC will ever have. I would LOVE for this woman to send my DC such a card. She is kind, but her "real" GC take precedent in her life. Sigh... Seems the GP fall short of our expectations ... Even if no ill intent meant.

sue52 Fri 19-Jul-13 09:48:31

It was a little insensitive but I think your MIL was just picking up on the card's wording. If she knew she had upset you, she would most likely be horrified. I'd just try to put it behind you.

curlew Fri 19-Jul-13 06:15:12

And saying anything to your MiL about it, unless you are really really sure it was done deliberately to upset you, would be so upsetting for her- the sort of thing you wake up in the night kicking the sheets in mortification about for months. Please don't......

curlew Fri 19-Jul-13 06:12:38

You are absolutely not unreasonable to feel hurt. My father died 20 years ago and there are still things that bring me up short. It would still be possible for someone to say something about fathers or grandfathers that would make me sad.

You would however, be unreasonable to blame your MIL for the hurt feeling. That comes from the fact that your mother died too soon and you miss her. Not from a loving message in a card intended to make your dd smile.

HootShoot Thu 18-Jul-13 22:27:23

YANBU to feel hurt. My mum died four years ago and this would really upset me too. Your MIL probably was just not thinking, but that doesn't take away your right to feel upset about it. I strongly disagree that you are over reacting. Now, if you were to charge in and accuse your MIL of being a prize cow who needed to take back her comments - that would be an overreaction. But feeling hurt and sad that she has been very inconsiderate - not unreasonable at all.

Joanne279 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:07:17

Hi there,

I have to say my gran (many years ago) once put in my birthday card 'from your least favorite granny' as I once said approximately age 7 my other nanny was my fave. I didn't know it wasn't nice sad

To this day my mum gets angry over that. She felt it was a ploy for attention. I remember feeling uncomfortable at what she wrote as I knew it had upset my mum.

I think that people who are old enough to realise its innapropriate ie an adult not a child (kids just speak the truth lol) shouldn't be so openly announcing who is a favorite. It's not nice. And as I assume she knows your mother is no longer with you, perhaps it was a insensitive thing to write, albeit maybe unintentional, but still inappropriate. X

Bowlersarm Thu 18-Jul-13 21:51:09

These stories remind me of my aunt getting a card on her birthday which was shortly after my uncle died suddenly of a heart attack aged 50. The senders of the card had been to his funeral, - it said Hope You Have Your Best Birthday Ever. She was shock angry sad.

They weren't nasty people, just clumsily trying to cheer her up I think, and trying to make her feel better albeit in such a naive manner. She couldn't understand it though.

Bazoo23 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:39:30

YANBU to feel hurt. My heart goes out to you, I would be lost without my mum.

Mama1980 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:46:00


Mama1980 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:45:13

I'm sorry about your mum. thanks But in the gentlest way you are being a bit unreasonable. I'm sure she was just echoing the granddaughter bit to make your daughter smile. Maybe thoughtless but not malicious. I would say nothing at all.
I was lucky enough to know all of my grandparents and each one was my 'favourite' and I received cards like this from them all. We were mostly raised by one set of grandparents when We were small but sadly my nan who I worshipped died before the birth of my ds1 we talk about her and he knows who she is but she's not real for him in the way my grandad who we see very week. It's upsetting for me to known that but sadly the truth.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 18-Jul-13 20:35:06

feeling not eeling blush sorry!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Thu 18-Jul-13 20:34:22

So sorry about your mum I don't blame you for eeling a bit upset. However I'm sure she meant no offence at all. Made me smile actually as it reminds me of how DD's godmother (my aunt) signs cards to my DC. "love, great aunty X, great uncle X and aunty X who is also great" (aunty X is my cousin who lives at home still).

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 18-Jul-13 20:21:03

PIL sent me a birthday card with smiley faces on the front and then "sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother x" on the inside. ???! confused

I'm another one who thinks that, unless your MIL's got form for this kind of thing, although it was insensitive, it was unintentional and she was just echoing the wording of the front of the card.

Sorry about your mum OP. I lost my mum 4 years ago & there's still things that catch me short x

pianodoodle Thu 18-Jul-13 20:12:35

People don't always think. Unless she has form for being deliberately mean I'm sure this is just accidentally insensitive.

My grandmother died a couple of days before my birthday this year. PIL sent me a birthday card with smiley faces on the front and then "sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother x" on the inside. Came across to me as a bit strange and rattled me a bit but I put it down to just being a bit dopey.

Xmasbaby11 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:04:35

You're reading too much into it. YABu I'm afraid.

I'm sorry for your loss. There must be many things that trigger your grief.

Mizza76 Thu 18-Jul-13 19:59:51

I don't think she did it to be deliberately hurtful, nevertheless I am hurt. Not personally, more on behalf of my mother.
Thanks all for your input, I will try to forget it....

Bowlersarm Thu 18-Jul-13 19:47:38

I think you're reading too much into it. Your mil was just being nice, and you're over thinking it.

CeliaLytton Thu 18-Jul-13 19:45:38

youmeatsix Thu 18-Jul-13 19:33:00

i'm betting this was nothing to do with you or your mum but she was echoing the outside of the card, inside the card to make your DD smile*


Sorry about your mum, it is really sad when our parents cannot see our children grow up.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 19:45:24

I think you're being overly sensitive.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper Thu 18-Jul-13 19:41:01

To me it seems like she just wanted to match the favourite seven year old bit and probably did it without thinking. I'm think she'd kick herself if she realised (assuming she is a normal person) how it may have come across to you.

Eddie107 Thu 18-Jul-13 19:35:43

So sorry about your mum Mizza. MIL's card is very insensitive & I would definitely ask her not to refer to herself as 'favourite' as it's disrespectful to your mum. If MIL doesn't like it - tough!!

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