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to think its not my job to remind my exh about our dd birthday?

(63 Posts)
desperateforaholiday Thu 18-Jul-13 12:22:33

Its our dd's birthday today, we separated years ago and on the whole things are quite amicable.

Anyway he's forgot (his partner had a baby last week), just had a text off him saying I should have reminded him wtf!

My dd hasn't mentioned the lack of cards from any of her dads family but I know she's aware (she's 12 today)

I don't see why I should remind him, no one reminds me, ive sent him a text back saying its not my job anymore, ive yet to get a reply.

2rebecca Thu 18-Jul-13 23:23:28

Agree it's not your job although like others i'm surprised your daughter hasn't been reminding him when she sees him. If I thought my ex would forget I'd remind him, but for the child's benefit not his. I don't see this as my job though and suspect I'd get a sarky response if I implied he might have forgotten his kid's birthday. We usually discuss what we are getting them though so they don't get 2 of something/ in case they've told one parent they really want several things and not the other/ in case they told one parent they now hate the thing they loved last month/ to discuss what extended grandparents are getting.
It seems odd to me not to be discussing this sort of stuff at all, he sounds very hands off which is sad.

OfCourseOfCourse Thu 18-Jul-13 22:45:20

How irritating that he would try to indirectly blame you for something that was plainly his fault. You're not his unpaid personal assistant!

Dixiefish Thu 18-Jul-13 22:34:12

My DH doesn't know when any of the DCs' birthdays are. Or our wedding anniversary. He might get the right month, if pushed. But he does know my birthday grin

I'm sure he could remember DCs' birthdays if he had to, but I guess he figures that I'll remember so why bother?

It doesn't really bother me tbh, there's advantages to being in charge. But as your Ex is split up from you and no longer has the benefit of the vagina diary, he has to make that bit more effort

SaucyJack Thu 18-Jul-13 21:40:21

YANBU, especially under the circumstances.

The days of birth of his first and second children are hardly unrelated events. You woulda thought there'd be a neurological pathway linking the two in there somewhere.

kim147 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:28:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

desperateforaholiday Thu 18-Jul-13 21:24:29

It wouldn't surprise me if she does do all the birthdays etc for him, he was always able to remember important sports dates so I think he is just lazy when it comes to getting cards and presents.

My dd doesn't seem bothered about the fact her dad hasn't wished her a happy birthday, it does worry me that she might feel like she's not an important part of his life so is hiding her real feelings from me.

SarahAndFuck Thu 18-Jul-13 20:23:23

Is it normally his wife who remembers your DD's birthday do you think?

Or at least, is it her who shops for it and posts the present on time or reminds him to bring it over?

And he's just passively waited for her to drag herself from the delivery room to the shopping centre and had a bit of a shock when it wasn't all taken care of for him.

Crocodilehunter Thu 18-Jul-13 20:23:13

Crocodilehunter Thu 18-Jul-13 20:21:35

Next birthday/christmas present to ex of dd perhaps?

Inertia Thu 18-Jul-13 20:12:53

Oh please send Hecsy's response (all of it).

Frizzbonce Thu 18-Jul-13 19:50:45

Euphamia - I think I love you! Filofanjo!! grin

Also Filotwat. And since being in possession of a vagina also guarantees being able to locate anything, we could come up with a range of GPS systems: Twat Nav. Arf.

On a serious note I loathe and despise this idea that 'we' are supposed to remind our husbands of their responsibilities. Since I split with my husband, I notice his family have finally realised that it was me who sent all the cards to them as he hasn't remembered a single birthday, or anniversary.

StuntGirl Thu 18-Jul-13 19:39:07

Thing is, I wouldn't have not reminded him out of spite, it just wouldn't have crossed my mind for a second that someone could forget their childs birthday. Why would it?

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 18-Jul-13 19:34:08

They forget all the time because people who pander to them by reminding them of things they are grown up enough to remember themselves, give them permission to keep on abdicating responsibility for remembering.

No op its not your job but its not especially a burn at the stake offence its more a grovel and get a better gift than you intended to one.

Justforlaughs Thu 18-Jul-13 19:02:29

And "no"OP, it isn't your job to remind him, but if I had any reason to believe that he would forget and that it would upset your DD at all, then I would remind him anyway.

Justforlaughs Thu 18-Jul-13 19:01:01

My DH can't remember MY birthday, let alone the DCs! and they are RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE and how he doesn't remember I have NO idea as all they talk about is "in 25 days", "in24 days", "in 23 days" ad infinitum! (not that I've got a 13yo talking about hers being "in 19 days" right now! grin)

desperateforaholiday Thu 18-Jul-13 18:47:28

Just to update, he has finally just text me back to say that as he will be seeing her at the weekend he'll get her something then. Tosser angry

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 18-Jul-13 14:21:53

his wife having a baby is a reason for "oh my god i am so sorry i feel awful how could i have forgotten things have been manic but its still no excuse i'll make it up to her i am so sorry..."

it is not a reason for hurumph why didnt you remind me.

josiejay Thu 18-Jul-13 13:49:09

I think his wife having just had a baby is all the more reason to be extra thoughtful about his dd's birthday! How upsetting for her when she's already dealing with her dad having a new child, if he can't even be bothered to remember her birthday. He should be ashamed.

Thisisaeuphemism Thu 18-Jul-13 13:47:24

Cut him some slack? - hilarious - its him who is texting his ex-wife a complaint that she is not looking after him well enough?

SanityClause Thu 18-Jul-13 13:47:23

You know, if the new baby had been really poorly, and they were at the hospital every hour god sends watching over it in the ICU, and they had somehow managed to lose track of the days, then cut him some slack, certainly.

But under those circumstances, it wouldn't really be appropriate for the OP to be "reminding", anyway, and I think a 12yo would definitely understand (mine would).

OxfordBags Thu 18-Jul-13 13:42:54

The vagina is not a built-in diary has become my favourite ever phrase, and I shall be using it as much as often. I might even get it made into a mug and have it sent to my brother, who expects me to tell him when our parents birthdays are, when mothers and fathers day are, and asks what he should get them for every present-requiring event. He is 37. I haven't told him for years now, yet my parents blame me if he forgets. hmm

Op, it wasn't your job to tell him. If one parent can remember, the other can too. He's just trying to assuage his guilt. I would love you to use Hecsy's reply to him, though grin

Dahlen Thu 18-Jul-13 13:41:50

grin at Filofanjo.

Am sitting on the fence on this one. If it were me, I probably would reply in the Hecsy manner out of sheer outrage that he'd considered it my responsibility to remind him. In fairness to him that was probably just a thoughtless remark borne of defensiveness because he knew his behaviour was crap.

Still not an excuse though. We've all been in the sleep-deprived haze that accompanies a newborn and forgotten appointments, extended family birthdays, etc. I've yet to think of a single mother who has forgotten her elder child's birthday just because she's had another baby though. Also, it's not as though it arrived out of the blue if DD had been talking about it for weeks beforehand.

bluebell8782 Thu 18-Jul-13 13:40:47

He was wrong to have a go at the OP - I imagine that was probably guilt and panic.

I agree with dufflefluffle my DH is the same

HaughtyCulturist Thu 18-Jul-13 13:38:10

I would have thought that if your wife had just had a baby, the proximity in the calendar to your other child's birthday would be forefront in your mind.

Swiftly followed by "I must make sure that my first born doesn't feel replaced in my affections by the arrival of the new baby".

Cut him some slack?biscuit

flowery Thu 18-Jul-13 13:35:55

"flowery - really?"

Er, yes. Not her job, but personally I'd prefer to avoid dc disappointment altogether rather than not remind ex to make a point.

However as he usually remembers fine it's probably not necessary to do that anyway.

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